Anyone who has done therapy knows that it causes you to see things you (and others) do in a different light. You may go into therapy thinking “this situation is not my fault” or “I don’t think I need to work on anything” and come to find out that there are many things you can do to make your life and the lives of your loved ones easier. If we’re honest, every human has many things they could handle better, easier, with more grace or love. Therapy is hard work; and change, of any kind, is also hard. We want others to change for us but would rather stay firmly in our own comfort zone. But if I stay in my comfort zone, I will never grow. I will never improve. I will expect something of others that I won’t do myself. I believe with the help of a good therapist we can all move toward a better, more fulfilling life. And if you’ve read any of my blog, you know we have the best therapist!

Last week in our session, Todd and I talked about many things, not the least of which was why Todd likes to talk to me on the phone rather than texting (an ahh-ha moment for me), and how I never give my full 100% attention to him in our conversations. I’m half-listening to him while doing other things at the same time or I get bored or I’m tired and I stop listening. There are times that me giving Todd 90% (or less) of me is fine, but there are times when he wants and deserves that extra 10%. There are times I need the same thing from Todd, even though I hadn’t identified that need until we were in the midst of the conversation. Brad called them our “10% moments” and he helped us find our signal to use when Todd (or I) need that extra 10% and he challenged us to find a way to have those 10% moments without distraction… which means we may be bundling up and heading to the car to have a few quiet moments from time to time! Lol 😂 we think Tommi wouldn’t find me there for at least 3-4 minutes!

We also spent some time talking about my need for some “me time.” I am 24/7 “on call” for Tommi. I always have been. I am his person and over the past 14 yrs I have created a “momma monster” who wants me and only me when he’s in need of help. In doing so, I have made it nearly impossible to leave the house without Tommi or without Tommi texting or calling me while I’m out. I rarely do something enjoyable by myself or specifically for me or even for Todd and me alone. When I do go out for dinner or a concert or coffee with a friend, my phone is on and out just in case Tommi needs anything. On our football days Tommi often stays home, but I always have phone at the ready and he is constantly on my mind while we’re away. Even if Todd is home with Tommi, I try to prep Todd for a successful time home with Tommi but I know that ultimately I will be the one Tommi reaches out to, so again my phone is in hand while I’m out. I think part of this is just being a momma. But part of it is being a momma of a special needs kid, part of it is not allowing Todd a place of trust in Tommi’s life and part of it is being a massive momma bear.

Brad had a simple question for me. Why don’t you turn your phone off. My simple answer: I can’t. I refuse to. I won’t do that. What if someone needs something and I’m unavailable? What if they can’t find something and I know where it is? What if…..

Brad knows me well enough to know my refusal wasn’t going anywhere. So he went a different direction. What if you leave the phone on but we set some boundaries. Because the long and short of it is that I cannot diffuse a fight happening at home when I’m not at home. So….Brad proposed that Kira will tell Tommi that Todd is his go to while Kira is out. And Kira won’t respond to any text or call unless there’s blood or fire or fighting to the point of calling 911. (I asked how I know if there’s blood or fire and he said “they send you evidence via a picture!”)

So. My growth now begins and my comfort zone is stretched. And honestly Todd’s growth is also being stretched as he navigates diffusing Tommi and getting Tommi to allow him to help when I’m out of reach.

The good news is that to give ourselves opportunity for this growth, I had to make some friend dates! I had coffee with Tosha on Sunday. Phone on, but in my purse. I had Mexican with Stacey last night…phone on Do Not Disturb and in my purse. I didn’t check it for three hours! And when I did, there were 5 texts…but none from my family! Our conversation did not center around Tommi…we talked about EVERYTHING! It was refreshing and I enjoyed every minute of our time together! But maybe better even than any of that… when I walked in the door at home, Todd and Tommi were downstairs in the same space and it was peaceful! I know it may not always be this beautiful, but I also know that it can be…the potential is there.

Next week we have another opportunity for this growth when I get to enjoy dinner with Ali! And then on the 30th we will have a big huge test as I spend the day with my favorite 20 year old cheering on our Boilermakers in the Music City Bowlgame! Todd will be on 100% duty and I will be enjoying every minute of my time with the big kid! Wish us luck….on the growth AND the football game! ❤️🖤💛