It’s been nearly 4 years since Tommi announced he was transgender and wanted to use he/him pronouns and a different name. I’ll be honest at the time we thought it was probably just a phase, but that is no longer the case. Many questions, much research, much teaching and learning has happened. It’s still hard somedays. I miss Izzy, but believe Tommi is overall happier being Tommi.

I know it’s still just the beginning of his journey….and as he reaches the age of “adulthood” there will be many discussions and decisions ahead of us. Many will be difficult. There are differences in belief, strong emotions, political regulations and social norms we will butt up against. I will stand by him through it all, when our government tries to intervene in his life, when people judge him, when he finds special people in his life and on tough days when dysphoria is looming large. We said goodbye to Dr Scott last week in preparation for transferring to a new, gender affirming physician. He has come highly recommended, but damn it’s hard to leave the comfort and expertise of Scott…We’ve come a long way with him.

Yesterday I helped Tommi find something to wear to the pool. This is the first summer he said “I want swim trunks to wear with my binder” and so we went to the store and found swim trunks and we went to the pool with his binder and swim trunks. His binder does a good job of restricting his boobs, but he was nervous wearing it in public. As I spotted him across the pool once yesterday I thought he really does look more masculine today. The smile that brought was big and genuine. The pit in my stomach eased some with that smile.

Tommi has a girlfriend of a couple months now. They have the exact same birthday! I have talked with her over FaceTime and texted with her and she is a lovely person. I will be driving Tommi to NY in the Fall to meet her in person and spend several days with her.

Therapy is going well for Tommi. He likes Alex a lot and Alex has seen enough of Tommi to decide that Tommi is brilliant and needs to be either in improv or writing comedy sketches. Tommi thinks Alex is insane. 😂 Tommi told him last session that he “wasn’t as good as Brad yet, but with practice he may just be better than him!” High praise.

Todd, Tommi and I are heading out on vacation here soon. Niagara Falls, Hershey, Philadelphia, Washington DC and Canton. Prayers would be appreciated for safe travels and a good time in which attitudes and tempers are at bay for 8 days!

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

I recently read the book Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté. It’s a book about ADD, the origins and healing of it specifically. It hits hard if you’re reading it as a parent of a child with ADHD and resonates if you’re married to someone with ADHD.

Having become Tommi’s mom when he was only 20 minutes old, the me of back then never realized that Tommi would have adoption trauma. He was only 20minutes old-how could that be traumatic? Having watched ADHD present itself in Tommi in his 3-4yr old self, the me of back then never realized my own trauma-suffering self could have had anything to do with the development of Tommis ADHD. But at about 10 pages into this book, Gabor Maté told me that removing Tommi from his birth mother in those first precious moments after birth threw a wrench into his developing neurons… the ones tuned into the voice and smell of his birthmom. And a few pages after that, Gabor Maté told me that my own depression and anxieties and sadness I was carrying over my miscarriages had a negative impact on the motor neurons that were developing in Tommi and despite me smiling and singing and laughing to Tommi, his little self knew it wasn’t 100% genuine. He could feel the sadness I had and it impacted him. And all of that helped to cause the ADHD that would present itself in only a few short years.

Bam. It was like I walked straight into a wall. I had always blamed Tommis genetics on the ADHD. Now I was being blamed for some of it myself. If Gabor Maté had been in the room with me I surely would have shared a few choice words with him.

I stuck with the book probably only because Brad suggested it. And ultimately I’m glad I did. The stories the author shared of his own life and his family’s life was a path I knew well from parenting Tommi. The teenage years he described validated and taught me some lessons. And led me to validating a few current things with Tommi.

But it also hurt deep and I had big emotions at the end of the book. So I brought it to Brad to navigate. And it was another healing conversation

“You two met in the middle of massive trauma. But look at this tho….

Look at how the two of you attached to each other-in the middle of an attachment desert your process and Tommi’s process at the time would have been extremely difficult to facilitate anything healthy, anything secure out of that because of how much trauma was happening all around you. Yet you two have this really special thing…

It’s problematic sometimes.

It’s stupid sometimes

But from my 6 years with you, it’s so obvious that you and Tommi have so much security. For as much security as Tommi is able to feel, he feels the maximum security with you, far more than with any other person. And that’s no small feat when you understand what both of you had to fight through to make that happen.

It’s not just Kira showing up over the years. It’s also Tommi taking risks and letting himself feel safe. A lot of kids in the adoptee story are really reactive to their adoptive family. They don’t have security and closure like Tommi does.

You two are successful. You fight hard for each other it’s very admirable. You’d probably be surprised how many people find sheer beauty in your story”

I took some parts of this book, that didn’t always paint an adoptive mom in the throws of her own pain in a very good light, and I discussed them with Tommi and Tommi said “it’s ok mom. You’re the best mama for me”

And Brad reminds me that “acknowledging and apologizing to tommi, saying that you had a part in Tommi’s trauma, that your own trauma influenced his, and having Tommi then say to you ‘you’re the best mama I could have had. April is not my mom. You are. And that makes me loved and happy’ Kira, that’s amazing and that’s healing if you let it be. And it’s beautiful. And it’s YOUR story. You made mistakes, every parent does. But you made Tommi yours and you even forget at times that he’s adopted. That is what I love most about your story”

🩷

As I type this, I’m waiting on tommi to go back to the OR for a procedure. It’s a procedure that most of us can do in-office. But not Tommi. For him it’s something we need to put him under for. We used to have to do that for teeth related things, now he can do it in- office. So maybe we will get there with this procedure too.

We wait a lot for Tommi. Wait for him to hear us, wait for him to take his meds, wait for him to get ready to leave, wait for him to feel comfortable in a situation. Sometimes we wait patiently, sometimes while tapping our toe and checking our watch. But our waiting usually pays off and with time our waiting window shrinks.

As a mom of a transgender 17-yr old I am waiting in anxious anticipation of the upcoming new state and national political administrations to see what risks may await my youngest. It’s a scary time to be a transgender person in America. Much like I’m sure it felt to be and/or love an African American during the civil rights era or a gay in the 80s and 90s.

Right now we’re waiting on Jonathan to get to 6 months of age so we can start service dog training. During this wait I get anxious that he’s not going to pass their assessment to be a service dog. I try to give that anxiety to God and just love and train and praise him the best way I know how.

I have spent 2024 working on my parts with Brad using his technique of Internal Family Systems. It has been a long and windy road and while I’ve been on this path, Todd has patiently waited through my therapy sessions, anxiety, tears, silence and exploration. I see that wait, feel how hard it’s been, and thank Todd for letting me go through this process with the best therapist in the world while being on the outside looking in.

After waiting for 20+ years for the trauma of our past to be addressed, Todd and I are now learning to work on our marriage in ways we’ve never done before and we wait in hope and dedication for the opportunity to use the strategies and tools we’ve been given to strengthen ourselves as individuals and partners. We invite God into our marriage and ask Him to lead us in the work we will need to put in for a rich and rewarding relationship.

Jackson spent several weeks waiting for a job this year. And his waiting paid off with the reward of a solid job working alongside people who he truly enjoys and who have taught him much already. Now Jackson waits as he looks to studying for the LSAT, applies to Law Schools and makes a decision on where life leads him from here. I will wait alongside him, with bated breath, to find out where my heart and soul will go in his next chapter.

And as we approach the Christmas holiday, we wait for Jesus’s return. Before I stepped foot in WRCC, Jesus’s return was not something I looked forward to with anticipation. But I now, thanks to my pastors, friends and God, I know my Savior in a real and beautiful way and I look forward to Jesus gathering me in His arms and giving me the most precious hug.

Waiting is hard. I don’t know many of us who do it well. I wait in anxiety frequently, while trying to remind myself that God wants me to wait in his love not in my anxiety. As we await 2025, my prayer is this: Dear Lord, please guide my family and me in the new year. Bless us with good health. Please let us forget any anger we had in the previous year and move forward with healed hearts into a new year filled with endless opportunities. And when we wait, Lord, let us wait in your love not our anxieties.

Psalm 46:10 

“Be still, and know that I am God.” (NIV)

20 years ago this weekend we had our first miscarriage. This is probably the first time in nearly that long that I used the words we and our and truly mean them. I never categorized the miscarriages as trauma. And the first time Brad did I thought he was crazy. And when he gave me the definition of trauma, I realized he might be right (he is a mental health professional after all), but I wouldn’t commit to using that word to describe what I went through. That was a word for someone who had been sexually violated, someone who saw the horrors of war or physical violence, not me who just experienced the heartache of miscarriage.

noun

1. 1. a deeply distressing or disturbingexperience.”a personal trauma like the death of a child”

I’ve been working since February 1, 2024 to reprocess the 7 miscarriages we endured as well as the 20 years of life since then. And yes, I now say I went through 3 years of trauma. Followed by adoption trauma and the trauma of being a mom of a child with significant neurodivergence. I used to think that God gave us the gift of Brad for Tommi. Now I know that God gave us the gift of Brad for Tommi, but also to heal my heart, Todd’s heart and our marriage.

Brad has led me through the vast pain and anger and the feelings of failure and regret. He has urged me to name every part, every feeling and to then work with that part to process it and see where it left me. It’s been terribly difficult work, but in May when my mind, heart and spirit felt healthier than they have in 20 years it all seemed worth the tears, anxiety, nightmares, panic and heartache of the reprocessing journey. I don’t think I could have done it with anyone other than Brad. So thanks, God, for bringing him into our lives.

While I was more than willing to give myself an A+ and move on to other topics, Brad held strong to the absolute truth that while I did this for me…I also did this for Todd and our marriage.

And now, after talking through every ending I could imagine in order to make my planner feel prepared (she’s a strong and persistent part of me), we have brought Todd into that reprocessing. And in a slow, gentle and deliberate manner we are going through it all again. Step by step, with Brad highlighting the relational dynamics and the words we are using so we don’t miss the things that sometimes get lost in translation. And I am shockingly finding memories and putting words to feelings and parts that I didn’t process the first time around (Brad didn’t warn me that could happen now that Todd is present in the reprocessing sessions and it kind of surprised me today when it happened for the first time); but I feel and see a softness in Todd that I haven’t seen or felt in so long. And that’s making it easier to let him into my trauma and to see my parts as they struggle and open up. For Todd, he is being allowed onto the island I created for myself. The place where I could escape and feel safe during the last 20years. We are just on the sands at the edge of my island… just starting this journey….but with our stellar guide, I think we’re gonna make through all of this together this time.

When I started this process in February, I thought I was going to work through my trauma and leave it behind me. I was super distressed when Brad told me that wasn’t the case. I remember asking him why I was doing this then….to which he replied so you can carry it instead of dragging it through the rest of your life; Because sometimes facing a burden together can mend two broken hearts in the end.

I’ve written about it before. But there are days when my heart is so full of gratitude that I think it might burst.

God graced me with a group of women who have enriched my life as a result of my mission trip. I have a text strand with a few of them. We send out prayer requests, God praises, worries and celebration to each other. I know when I text them that they will hold my needs in prayer, or celebrate my praises as their own. And I have another beautiful soul from my trip who Tommi has taken to. She has a granddaughter with special needs, so she just “gets” Tommi and she loves on me and Tommi in a beautiful way. There is never judgement. Just love. We have had lunch with her twice since my trip and Tommi asks for me to schedule those lunches and interacts with her during our lunches with ease. It just makes me smile.

God is continually growing our village. Giving me people who share my faith and grow my faith and love on us; giving Tommi examples of strong, Christian women who show him love and grace. Thank you, God, for these new friends.

And then there’s my core group: Ali who doesn’t mind the days (sometimes frequent) when Tommi tags along to work with me and who talks me through the storms and off several ledges, Tosha who listens and advises and has become a safe harbour for Tommi and Stacey who shares his interest in crystals, saints, and spirituality and invests herself in him. And my roomie Stacy who is my constant prayer warrior no matter the praise or need she is there sending up the most faithful prayers. I think you four know my unending and overwhelming gratitude and love, but it never hurts to remind you.

Brad. Anyone who knows us or reads my blog knows my eternal gratitude for him. Even when he asks me to do the hard thing (step away, let Tommi self-regulate, ask my MamaBear to back off) I do it because 1. I don’t want to disappoint him and 2. I know he’s giving me good advice/strategies.

Mom, Dad, Tina and Kyle who love him and us in spite of the hard (or harsh) moments and who never waiver in their love and support.

And Jackson. Who is sometimes brutally honest in his assessment of the situation, but always has my best interests in mind. He is my heart and soul and he has put up with a lot of shit in his life as a result of Tommi’s needs. It’s weird when your first born gives you advice at 20-something years old, but I often listen because his advice is usually spot on.

It’s almost the 16th anniversary of Tommi’s adoption day. January 28, 2007. It’s not easy raising a child period. It’s really not easy raising a challenging , neurodivergent child. It has caused many a disagreement between Todd and me, many a harsh word or thought. Many things not shared. Many nights of tears. But honestly just as many successes and celebrations. And many times when I questioned God. But as I look back on the last 16yrs, I consistently see God showing up in the hearts, prayers and actions of our village. And I see such growth in the three of us. I sometimes worry about the future, and then I remember this, that one of my mission sisters has said to me multiple times since I met her: Matthew 6:34: Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself…

Today is 18 months since we first worshipped with White River Christian Church. Seems a bit weird, I know, that I would celebrate 18 mos at a church, but our lives have been changed by the people and the worship at WRCC. My faith, once very much waning, is now strong and central in my life. My kids enjoy going to church. And Todd is finding his place there as well.

Step back in time – 2004 – Jackson was 3 and we decided to have another baby. Seemed an easy thing…we had no real trouble with Jackson. God would surely provide as He had with Jackson. From July 2004 through March 2007 we had 7 miscarriages. The first three of them happened on the same day of each pregnancy 7 weeks and 5 days. The exact same feeling each time, the exact same outcome. It was a terrible time in our life, it’s a wonder we made it through still married. Over those 3 years we racked up some pretty good medical and travel debt while seeing two different specialists in Chicago and “treating” ourselves to material wants to soothe our hurts that ordinarily I don’t think either of us would have actually moved forward spending money on.

I was physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually empty. The look of pity I received from every living soul who knew what we were going through, including Todd, made me sick to my stomach. All these years later, I can still see those looks and it still makes me seethe. I spent hours screaming at God and when my pastor at the time would come around and hold my hand and pray with me I wanted to rail against his words. I kept asking him why God kept taking my babies, and he kept telling me that God isn’t doing this…but no one could tell me who was, and why. I retreated into myself, kept the sadness and darkness bottled inside as much as I could and I stopped talking to Todd about the important things. I was on a mission to have a second baby, and nothing was going to stand in my way. When Todd said we didn’t need a second baby I would yell and push him away. I gave a million vials of blood, I gave myself hundreds of shots, I peed in more cups than you see at a college party, I had so many tests and procedures and I drove to and from Chicago many times to see two specialists who “definitely will figure this out.” Spoiler Alert: They never did. Each vial of blood they took made me more sad, more poor, more angry, and farther away from Jesus. I remember praying, but it was all selfish prayer and I never listened for His answers.

I rallied for Jackson, trying to make his childhood happy and wonderful despite my insides screaming for help and hope. He and I have had this conversation in recent years and he remembers noting of this time; he doesn’t remember my sadness; he doesn’t remember my days in bed. He has happy memories of those years. And for that I am eternally thankful.

As the months went by, I changed jobs (maybe less stress than working at Riley Hospital will be the solution), I did hoards of research (this is how I deal with any trauma in my life – I look for the answers in medical text and by asking questions), I reconnected with my best friend from high school who was having her own pregnancy woes (one of the few belssings of the journey), and I floated further away from Todd. When I say it was a gift from God that we didn’t end up divorced, I am not being dramatic. We connected when the calendar said we had to, we drove to and from Chicago together quietly and as he tried to figure out how to connect with me, I dove deeper into my mission.

Our memories of those days are very different. Mine centered around pain and anger and a ton of tests I endured, his is highlighted by a trip to a FedEx where he had to craft a tiny box to fit a specimen bottle into out of a large box and a roll of packing tape we purchased there. It was a nice box, but that box memory caused a lot of pain as well. Our experiences couldn’t have been more different.

And then, after my last miscarriage at 13 weeks on March 22, 2007 I resigned myself to finding another way. We took foster parent classes, got our license, were asked to adopt Tommi, and followed that new path with anxiety and excitement. I think everyone, including myself, thought adopting Tommi would not only fulfill my desire for that second baby, but would also heal my wounds. At the time it felt like God had a hand in that journey to Tommi, and I know now that he did, but it was far from the quick solution for my head and heart. I had been living in constant trauma for 3 years and a new baby didn’t just click me out of my funk and into my faith. The next several years were hard, and my questions to God just kept coming.

I always had my faith, but it was thread bare. And my relationship with Jesus was on a back burner to put it mildly. Actually, I don’t know that I had a “relationship” with Jesus back then. I was a believer, but it was a single sided and selfish relationship on my part. I stopped going to church regularly, and when I did go, it was usually to see family, not to worship Jesus. I will admit that I didn’t realize that at the time. I thought I was a strong Christian.

And the next number of years flowed by with a difficult little kid who challenged me at every step. Along the way Tommi also taught me so much about special needs, about advocating for others, about loving unconditionally. I continued to question God about things like why is this kid such a challenge; what would a second bio kid have been like; am I doing the right things for Tommi; why is this so hard; am I giving Tommi too much of me and Jackson not enough? And Todd and I together made probably the worst parenting decision we could have made – that he would do all the things with Jackson like Scouts and Karate and I would do all the other things with Jackson plus everything with Tommi. I made parenting decisions on my own and didn’t fill him in. I took Tommi’s side or came to his defense every time there was a fight or a problem between Todd and Tommi. I chose Tommi over and over again. I still do that, but with help from lots of therapy I’m getting better and Todd is more understanding.

Back to my faith journey, We stayed at our home church for so long because I was born into that church and I couldn’t imagine leaving. It was safe there, I knew who I’d encounter and what would happen each Sunday. I didn’t want to leave with my life-long pastor still at the helm. Then his successor became an unexpected supporter of our family in maybe our greatest time of need, when Tommi came out as transgender. But when he was “encouraged” to leave by members of the congregation, we decided it was time for us to leave too.

We went to WRCC for the first time on July 3, 2022. We had a list of churches we wanted to try before settling into a new church. WRCC was the first one we tried because their service was in the park that day, and we thought it would be a good day to slip in, have church, and slip out unnoticed. Ha! My roommate from college was there, my aunt and uncle were there, and SO many scout and community friends saw us. I cried through the whole service. I felt like I was betraying my roots. But we enjoyed the music and message enough that we returned the following Sunday…and every Sunday since…for the last 18 months. That list of churches we had, we still have it – but we’ve never moved past #1 on the list.

WRCC has opened up a world of love to us. Most importantly the love we receive and also give to Jesus, our savior. But also love from people who said “welcome” and “sit here” and “do you want to join us.” Never in my life have I been excited for Sunday so I could go to church. Never in my life have I listened to a message and taken notes in my Bible. Never in my life have I rewatched a message, taken notes on said message and told others about the message. Never in my life have I thought about a message weeks and months into the future. Never in my life have I called or emailed my pastor wanting to talk through things about my faith or my children’s faith. Never in my life have I even dreamed of going on a mission trip – now I’ve been on one, made some amazing friends/Sisters in Christ and I cannot wait to go on another one and take Jackson with me – hopefully Belize in Summer 2025. Never in my life have I learned SO MUCH about the Bible, Jesus, God, and their roles in my life and my role in sharing their Word. Never in my life have I anticipated the songs we would sing or the message I would hear at church. Never in my life have I raised my hands in praise while worshiping in church (I always thought those hand-raisers were weird – now I am one of them!). Never in my life have I worshiped my Jesus the way I do at WRCC. Never in my life have I been in a women’s group, and 2 Bible Studies at all – and now I’m in all 3 at the same time. Never in my life have I started almost everyday with a devotional, a chapter in the Bible and writing in my prayer/gratitude journal. And before this Christmas season, I never knew why the magi brought Baby Jesus the gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh…if you don’t know, I’d be happy to share what I learned! It’s cool stuff

WRCC has changed my kids too. Tommi, whose black & white autistic mind struggles with the idea of an unseen God who knows his story already, listens to Lance and is asking good (hard) questions. He bought a bible and asked for a devotional for Christmas. He loves watching and listening to Philip and the worship team—he even chose to go to two services one Sunday when WRCC had a night of worship on a Sunday evening. Jackson watches service on YouTube sometimes and never misses a Sunday service when he’s home from school.

I realized recently that WRCC has not only helped me find my way back to my relationship with Jesus, but is helping me to build a stronger and more beautiful relationship by the day. And I find myself sharing my faith with others which is something I’ve never felt comfortable with in the past. My faith was nearly wiped out by our life circumstances, but now I stand strong in Jesus and move forward with the consequences of the decisions we’ve made along the way, knowing Jesus is right beside us and the Holy Spirit is within me helping us navigate this life. I need to just ask…and then be quiet and listen for where he is leading me.

This turned into quite the blog post. It doesn’t matter if anyone even reads it-Writing is a form of therapy for me and this all just poured out and my soul feels lighter for it.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

Tommi has talked and talked and talked today. He’s always been a big talker. He talked early and sometimes talked from wake up to bedtime. Talking exhausts me. Haha. Listening exhausts me too. I like silence. Silent moments are rare in my life.

Anyway. Today was a day when Tommi and I spent the day together. He woke up at 3:30am today so he was ready to talk to someone when I got up. He spent a lot of time this morning talking to me about his depression, anxiety, mental health, the suicidal thoughts he’s had, his take on medications among many other things. I took it all in, made lots of mental notes, and told Tommi that all of this is why I am being so adamant that he do individual therapy with Brad, so he has someone besides me to talk through this stuff…someone who knows better what to do with it all.

And in Gods perfect timing, Tommi had a session already scheduled with Brad this morning. And even though Tommi had the stomach of anxiety before session, he was able to bring some of our conversation into the safe space Brad creates for him. It was interesting… 5 minutes before therapy Tommi said “my stomach hurts and I don’t know if I can talk to Brad about any of this today.” 5 minutes into therapy they were diving down into Tommi’s depressive parts,

I’m in the room when Tommi is doing therapy with Brad. That’s Tommi’s call. I don’t ask to be, sometimes I try not to be. But he is insistent. I never interject, I just sit quietly, usually working or reading. I bought Tommi a 40-pack of colored pens for therapy last week, so Tommi has lots of choices to do their parts journaling-he was so excited to show Brad all their new choices today. So funny. And Brad even gave Tommi another therapy technique along the same lines that they can try whenever Tommi is ready, And Tommi truthfully said he’d like to try that technique someday but not today. They worked hard for 50 mins, and Tommi was done. He advocated for ending 10 mins early, Brad agreed since they had been working so hard and without even hearing Brads bye, he ended the session, closed the computer and said “Man that was a good session-I feel so good!” 😊

While we were talking today Tommi brought up the fact that he’ll be applying for colleges before too long and he’s been doing some thinking on that. He knows there’s culinary programs out there besides Ivy Tech and he would like to have a true college experience where he has a campus and lives in a dorm. He wants to look into Vincennes University and he was so excited about that possibility. I’m not sure who this kid is somedays. He’s thinking about things I never dreamed he would, he’s advocating for himself in positive ways, …and the fact that he’s thinking about leaving home to go to college astounds me! And left me in tears. We have made such progress. My Mama Bear has a measure of peace and calm in her heart tonight! ❤️ God is good all the time!

Wow-it’s been awhile! I guess that means that while we always have “things” our things haven’t been too bad of late! I have been back from my mission trip for 6 weeks and Todd and Tommi made it through that week just swimmingly. No fighting, no big anxieties…just bonding and working together. After tonight’s Mission Fest at WRCC, they’re gonna have to get ready for my next venture into the mission field. It’s a calling that’s awakened in me-sharing the good news of Jesus with others and serving those who are less fortunate than myself around the world. I have lots of mission trips on my bucket list now-Belize, Tanzania, Kenya…but my next one will be with Jackson in the Summer of 2025.

Tommi is well into his Sophomore year of high school now, and Jackson is flying through Senior Year at Purdue. My practice is doing really well- we’re growing and I love being Meridian Audiology LLC with Ali. Todd is hanging in there at Tom Wood Subaru. He’d love to do something less stressful, and we’d love for him to also, but now’s not the time for that.

Tommi went through a real depressive episode in early October and he’s obsessively clingy to me right now. He has agreed to and started with individual therapy with Brad again. He stopped working with Brad when Brad moved back to Ohio and therapy went viral. Tommi just couldn’t give with Brad the same in the virtual space. Maybe as a result of online school, Tommi now has the ability to work in the virtual space and will even be fully on camera with him which is important for Brad so he can see/read body language and facial expressions. So every other week for they meet and Tommi is really doing well. Therapy is hard (even with Brad) and it takes a lot of energy, but he’s doing it and they’re already hitting some home runs. I think at least once a session I hear Brad yell “BOOYAH!”. Tommi is worried that someday he may not have anything to talk about with Brad. Ha! I assured him he will ALWAYS have something to talk about. So we sat together last week and made a list in his therapy notebook of things Tommi can talk about with Brad. They are doing this really cool form of therapy where Brad has Tommi ask his different parts questions by writing down a question in one color and answering that question in another color….its called automatic or free association writing…and it’s incredible how well it works for them. My prayer is that Tommi finds a trust and ability to talk about the HARD topics with Brad, that Brad can become a completely safe space for Tommi and that Tommi will find a way within himself to do therapy without me sitting there with him. He has so much “anxious and heavy stuff” that lives in his mind and I know Brad can help him with it. But it will take time…

School is hard right now. Despite the fact that Tommi was just inducted into the National Honor Society, and his grades are stellar, he’s struggling logging on and doing his coursework. It’s so hard for this type A mom to sit back and let him fall behind.

And for reasons he cannot put words to, he’s started really pulling again. He currently has a really large bald spot at the back of his head that’s growing larger by the day. We’ve been changing meds with his new psychiatrist to try and find a good mix for anxiety, depression, focus and trich. I don’t know if it’s a meds mix, stress, or a type of stim, but he can’t seem to stop. It makes me anxious when he pulls, which I’m not good at hiding and that puts more pressure or stress on Tommi. He apologizes to me for pulling…he apologizes. That makes me feel terrible. I’ve got to find a way to not let him know it makes me so angsty. This weekend he told me he doesn’t want to pull, he just can’t stop. He said he’s afraid he’s never gonna stop pulling-it’s been 5 years since he started and he just can’t figure it out. He’s been so happy with his long (again) hair, and it just breaks my heart. It takes months to grow it out, but mere seconds to rip it out. I need to give it to God, let God fight that battle. Prayers on this would be appreciated. Trich stinks

He’s also pacing like crazy. Another anxious habit that he’s always done since he was little. Some days are worse than others. I don’t handle the pacing well either. Especially if he’s wearing flip flops when the sound makes it even more obvious to me that he is pacing. How dumb and trivial is that? My kid is pacing because his mind won’t let him stop and I’m worried about the flip flop sound. Another challenge to put into Gods hands.

The good news in all of this is that Tommi is overall happy, more helpful at home than before my mission trip, trying to write a novel and able to voice when he’s overwhelmed or needs to be home for his peace of mind. He’s also let some of my Mission trip friends into his circle really quickly, meeting and talking with them first visit! He even unsolicited, talked with someone new to both of us at the WRCC Mission Fest last night! I had to lift my chin up off the floor! That’s all great progress.

Tommi started his Sophomore year of HS today, with Indiana Connections Career Academy. He transferred to the Career Academy so that as a Jr and Sr, Tommi can spend 1/2 the day in the online classroom and 1/2 the day in a Career Academy setting working in the Culinary Arts. His plan is to attend Ivy Tech post high school to study Culinary Arts, and then take his passion into the work force. He has ideas, and visions of his future that include baking in his own space.

We talked about Tommi’s current schooling and his future visions with Brad recently in therapy. We also talked about his having no desire to learn to drive (which is both ok and heartbreaking to me) as well as how I’d love for him to be in an in person setting.

As I often do, I relistened to our session and made lots of notes…sometimes writing things down word for word that I really want to remember… that I need to remind myself.

I’m glad that Brad knew the Tommi of 4 years ago. The Tommi who was not confident, who was young and mean; who never wanted to leave my house and who thought having a job was not for him unless it was being a dancing princess veterinarian. The Tommi who never cleaned up, who never thought out of the box.

Because Brad knew that Tommi, he can and does frequently point out to me the ways in which Tommi has grown…

I put part of our session below. For me, for Todd, for Tommi, for any of you who might relate

B: Yeah!  You’re doing it with his business.  He envisioned that idea of owning a business and selling his goods and you said “Let’s do it” And he’s gotten there.

K: That was easy for me to support. Ok – let’s create a business for you and we found out how and we did it.

B: Yeah you did, and now this idea of driving a car, starting a business, owning a house…those are steps into the future. But if you can help him see that “hey – you have this idea about yourself – let’s look at this in reverse to determine how you’re gonna get there, What’s the path we have to go down to get to that 10yr vision… owning a bakery…him driving, or home owning/apartment renting. We have to get Tommi to see that Today…getting your math homework done, will lead to next year where you get to add JEL to your schooling, and then that leads to graduation and that leads to culinary school, which leads to your vision.

If you can tap into anything that’s motivating for Tommi, an idea he has for himself that is motivating – an idea that he has for himself that is building himself as independent, self-sufficient…his baked goods, or driving, or owning a home…anything…IGNITE THE SHIT OUT OF THAT THING. As soon as he attaches to an idea of himself in a healthy state in the future, we’re gonna get a path of how to get there. So driving might not be motivating now, but if it gets him to this other thing that IS motivating then BINGO

Does he talk about being an entrepreneur?

K: Yes

B:Great – that’s a separate broad idea than just owning a bakery! A car could help him take a bakery idea to a completely different audience

K: He knows what he’s doing his JR and SR year of HS; and then IvyTech for culinary school and then he wants to open his own business. 

B: ok! So I encourage you throw on shows (like “the bear”) that show the nitty-gritty life of starting up a new business; those may be real life scenarios in Tommi’s future that could help promote more ideas and thoughts for his future! It’s these people figuring out math, and English and day to day crap, and cars breaking down and powering through all of that to get to their dream. Think how we can use this information to be rewarding and encouraging to the future Tommi…

If he can imagine where he’ll be in 10 years, we can then go backward and figure out a path to get from today to there. We want to focus on those future Tommi plans…throwing gasoline on that future Tommi; he’s given you a lot of avenues he’s looking at

Remember…BOTH/AND

You have to do the shitty day to day trenches of consequencing when he doesn’t meet an expectation related to school

But

Then you can also say Tonight, let’s watch this show on baking geniuses and entrepreneurs that will maybe give you some ideas on how they got to their dreams

Tommi is starting to visualize his future

It’s so much more than just baked goods

He’s starting to see himself as a self-sufficient, competent person

K:And he is!  The other day he was baking, and didn’t have sour cream and he substituted mayonnaise

And it was amazing to me that he knew that – I even said “how did you know that?”

B: And that’s exactly the way people start to think when they feel secure in something. Let’s say he feels secure in being an entrepreneur in the baked goods realm…that becomes security…and that security becomes a platform for growth.

A car and drivers license is gonna be like that mayonnaise….I don’t have a driver’s license, what can I substitute that with. OR, I have to find a way to get to the thing I love and I’m good at and that makes me money; whether that’s studying and taking a drivers exam and doing it that way…or whether it’s “mayonnaise” and he finds another way to make that happen. It’s more about the thing that’s motivating than it is the contextual thing of owning a car.

Tommi is doing way more than baked goods

He’s envisioning himself as a self-sufficient adult.

GASOLINE THE HELL OUT OF THAT FIRE

As well as things like moving out, expanding his business, 

His 10yr vision…water those seeds! And then relate it back to what about today…do you see that finishing that math or science assignment in HS today will help you move you toward that vision?

Let’s get you there. Dad and I want to help get you there.

Courses this year could represent any unknown thing that comes your way that you have to learn to succeed….how did you learn the mayonnaise and sour cream? Well, Algebra is mayonnaise…you just have to learn it to get you one step closer to your vision

As you guys work out the school schedule, give him autonomy, talk about consequences/rewards/schedules…and relate everything back to his 10yr vision. It’s all inter-connected…and once he sees that, the motivation happens!

Culinary school is a 2 yr idea

Owning his own business is a 4-5 year idea

And from that point it’s just fine tuning and advertising and finding his niche. And those are things, Kira, that you excel at! You do those things everyday! You can help Tommi with that part !

Go out there and let Tommi know that you believe in him. Let him know that I believe in him. I’m so fucking proud of him and where his mind is. I see such amazing growth in him and I’m so excited to be right by his side as he comes into his vision.

And don’t forget to tell him that I think his secret cinnamon cream puff filling is in his future!

I wish we all had a Brad. Someone who believed in us no matter what. Someone who was our champion. Someone who looks at the situation and finds your growth potential. Someone who reminds you that YES YOU CAN. The world would be a nicer place if we all had a Brad.