So during the quarantine we bought a “hot tub.” And Izzy and I have been in it several times so far. Tonight was our first night hot tubbing and it was perfect. The water was amazing. The stars were shining bright. And the conversation was beyond anything we’ve had in awhile.

When Izzy was little, bedtime was when she would decompress about her day and verbally tell me things she would never say in the light of day. It’s when I got the good stuff. There were nights I would lay with her and once she talked herself to sleep I would run to my bedroom and write down as many things as I could remember her saying. Some for memories or her annual birthday letter, but most for her teacher or counselor. Little morsels of what was going on in her head. Things that might make her tomorrows a little easier or happier. She hasn’t done this in forever.

Tonight in the hot tub was one of those nights. She just started talking and didn’t stop. We talked about the quarantine and Elearning. She told me she didn’t mind Elearning now that we have a schedule because it doesn’t take near as long as school did and because I break it down and help her do it. She said school is tough because…wait for it Brad….because she has no power there. She has to do it their way and has no power to make them do it her way! They aren’t push overs (like mom) and they hold the control. Boom. There it is. She’s admitting what Brads been telling me. Home and elementary-we let her have as much power and/or control as she needs to get through things. We did/do things for her her way because it’s “just easier.” That’s not how life works and NWMS is showing her that and making her live that. It’s challenging her. It’s putting her way out of her comfort zone. It’s hard. It’s necessary. Wow.

She told me that she’s having intrusive thoughts again. These come and go for Izzy. She isn’t sure why they’re back, but I’m sure they will come and go for Izzy throughout her life. She hadn’t told me she was having them again and when I asked her why, she simply said “I think maybe because I didn’t want you to have to worry about me.” I worry about you every minute of every day. So share them. Please. I want to help. Or at least know.

We talked about Brad. And virtual therapy. It isn’t easy. I see brad trying his absolute best. But Izzy being hyper and active and not sitting and talking or Izzy shutting down in person is different than Izzy being distracted or shutting down in a virtual space where she can slide off camera and refuse to participate. She has so much trouble talking about her feelings. So some of this stuff we work on with Brad is just hard. It was hard before he left, it’s hard virtually. She wondered aloud if maybe she shouldn’t take her meds on a Brad day because she’s a lot less inhibited and more talkative off meds. I’m game if she and Brad are. We’ll see. One thing she was adamant about was she needs to keep seeing Brad.

We talked about Western medicine vs Alternative medicine. She’s been researching this. We talked about how I believe in practicing both, western medicine with meds and medical advances as well as meditation, acupuncture, cupping, reiki, and how I miss my chiropractor very much right now. Izzy likes how open my mind is on that even though I practice in a Western medicine medical practice.

We talked about how our life is about to change in a major way. About Jackson leaving. How life will be without him here every day. How his life will be at Purdue. About visiting him, missing him, finding their time together in his new world of college. I told her that while I mourn the things both of them have lost in this corona virus time, I also am trying hard to look at it as a gift from God. Where we can have extra time with each other, but maybe especially Jackson, that otherwise would be flying by us in a flurry of activity. I’m soaking up my extra time with Jackson.

We talked about Nana and how Nana knows so much about the stars and birds and history. She wondered what it would be like to just sit down and have a conversation with Nana. So, Nana, when quarantine is over you and Izzy need to have a conversation date. May I suggest you do it at night. In the hot tub. ❤️❤️

It’s About Day 520 of the kids being home due to the Corona virus pandemic. The last two weeks have been spring break, virtual school started back up on Tuesday for six weeks of Tu-Th Elearning. They’ve moved the last day of school to May 21. May 21 was supposed to be Jackson’s Senior Jazz on the square. Oh the things we all took for granted and will now miss. We heard from NHS this past week and for now, graduation is still on for June 6. And therefore Js party is still on for June 5. We’ll wait and see. But NHS is trying to salvage some of the Senior events for our Class of 2020. 🖤💛

Izzy has been doing amazing through the past month. She has her moments, we all do, where we are just sad, or angry, or bored to death. But we’ve stayed busy with crafts and games and puzzles and of course our phones. The Elearning has been so so hard for her. But with the schedule we created (with lots of break time) and alarms on the phone, she really knocked it out of the park this first week back. She got to Zoom with her TOR and BSD class today, and her math teacher was on there with them also. They did a kahoot together and it was so wonderful to hear her interact and laugh with them. It actually made me sad…because they all need that interaction so much. But I shed my few tears in the bathroom so I didn’t make her sad. Iz won’t FaceTime her school friends because she’s just sure they don’t want to hear from her. Her friend Lainie is the only one she’s talked to and hasn’t even been able to talk to Lainie much.

She learned to ride her bike over spring break and is very much enjoying the freedom that comes with that. She has hit a couple parked cars, a mailbox, a garbage can and several bushes. And went head on into a bridge that is on one of our bike paths, but each time has brushed off the minor injuries and gotten right back on that bike. That’s impressive.

We had a tough session with Brad this week. She was doing great and then got ticked off and stopped communicating. It’s a mixed blessing when that happens when we’re “with” Brad. I don’t want our sessions to be tense and stressful because I feel like it’s wasting our session but if it’s gonna happen, I guess having it happen when Brad is fully available to us is a good thing.

She’s pulling like crazy now that school is “back in session.” She pulled two quarter sized bald patches on day one and continues to pull as we work through assignments.

This past weekend Jackson surprised us by choosing Purdue for his college days. And then Izzy had the extreme pleasure of helping Jackson announce his College decision to his family and friends via Facebook Live. He asked her to make yellow and black whipped cream and then put a pie tin full of it in his face to show his new school’s colors. She took that very seriously and prepared the perfect product. And wow how she enjoyed putting that whipped cream in his face and his hair! She has no idea how much she is going to miss him. 🖤💛

Izzy and Brad has their first virtual session tonight. She followed his one rule (phone is not in the same room as their session) and of course had to give him a tour of the house and introduce him to all of the animals and show him her comfy therapy space. So with the 10 minutes we had left, they worked hard. 😂. Just kidding, the tour and introductions were quick and if Brad is prone to motion sickness I’m sure he was really glad when she stopped flinging the iPad this way and that! They talked for about an hour. She was highly distracted at first, but settled in and Brad talked her through how she handled Period #1 and her past several days at school. I’ve been forwarding him her daily behavior charts to give him insight into her days so he can read, from the school, how her frustration has transitioned into anger and disrespect really rapidly nearly every day at school and at home.

On a regular basis, they talk about her different selfs…her anger part (fights for justice when she feels wronged)… her guilty part (engages after anger has subsided)…her anxiety and sadness parts, her autism parts and of course her happy/silly parts. And tonight in that discussion, Brad gave her two words to write down and asked her if she thought she knew the difference between them. The words:

Aggressive

Assertive

He challenged her to take her frustration at a situation and lead it away from being aggressive and toward being assertive. Because aggression is anger, disrespect, shut down mode. Being assertive is more constructive. It can allow for standing up for ones self, but without the anger. Without the disrespect. And instead, with power, problem solving and confidence. It will take practice. It will take time. But he’s going to work with her to help her learn to remind herself and move herself from one to the other. I love it. The minute he asked her to write those two words on her white board I thought “Yes! He’s on to something!”

He started her on it right away. Izzy had an interaction with a classmate today where the classmate wanted something Izzy had because Izzy wasn’t being productive in their group work and this classmate wanted to be. When the classmate reached for the object, Izzy pushed her hand away…the classmate said she slapped her arm away. Semantics. 🙄 But anyway, the classmate told on Iz, admin was called to talk with Iz about it and they suggested her apologize. Iz refused to apologize.

Izzy shared this situation with Brad. so he had her retell the story replacing the aggression with being assertive. With his guidance, she did it! And she saw how the story and the outcome would have been different (more positive for Izzy) with being assertive rather than aggressive.

I love this. It’s so simple. So understandable. It won’t be easy for her. Aggression is her go to. But she seemed to understand what he was asking her to do and I think will work toward that end goal once we beat it into her head for awhile!

I praise God that this first session went pretty well. I learned some things—like don’t allow the animals to roam freely in/out of her room, they’re a distraction, and have a snack and water at the ready so she doesn’t have an excuse to roam during Bradtime. Oh and maybe, just maybe, if he tells her enough times that her bedroom is such an amazing space, maybe she’ll sleep in there!

We’ve been really struggling of late. Izzy is a angsty preteen with new hormones making her autism and adhd and anxiety hella crazy. She goes to school and enjoys her friends, but argues and yells and curses and yesterday she flipped off a teacher! At the exact same time I was having a phone conference with her team teachers and her TOR, she was frustrated and annoyed with her IA and she flipped her off. Flipped her off! What the hell kid? I’m trying really hard to make school school and home home, but this crosses the line. She was expected to apologize today and was told she could do it via written note, email or in person. I expected an email…Shock the heck out of me…she did it in person with her words!

We are delving deep in therapy into Izzys reactive emotions, her anger, and her behavior guilt. I can guarantee she flipped her teacher off automatically out of sheer frustration and that part of our brains that says “don’t do it-think about the consequences” was silenced by the frustration. And then her guilt came, and by the time I got home from work, she had pulled so fiercely that her head was bleeding. She has never (that I know of) made herself bleed while pulling. It was a fierce guilt session for her. And while I’m disappointed in her behavior, it beaks my heart that she did that to herself.

There are many days of late where I just want to bury my head in my hands and either scream or cry or sleep! I’m trying hard to share parenting in Izzy’s journey with Todd…we’re doing much better…I’m trying hard to be structured as well as nurturing…That structure part is hard because it makes her angry and she lashes out at me, but in the moment I often hear Brad in my head saying “it’s ok-you’re doing great” and “give her the control when appropriate but also a consequence for certain decisions” Like tonight…I can’t make you go to dance, but if you choose not to you will not have your phone during the three hours of dance. And guess what? She’s at dance.

I’ve been a passenger on the emotional rollercoaster she’s been on these past several weeks. I’m exhausted. Emotionally and mentally and physically. When my phone rings and it says NWMS, I want to throw it. I’d really like to get off the rollercoaster, but I know that she cannot take the ride by herself. I’m in it for the long, hilly, motion sick, puke-inducing ride! Lol

“Our” blog has become more than just our trich journey….although I think Izzys entire life journey can be described by “Its Trichy in here” because she’s so layered-funny, mean, quirky, quiet, anxious, loving, defiant, smart. I ask her weekly if she wants to write, she usually says “no, but tell them this…” I forgot to put bossy on that list! Tonight she said “tell them about the sandwiches we built with Brad! I was on fire with mine!”

Iz seemed off yesterday. She was talking/working with Brad, but she was struggling with most of their conversation. And I had complained to him last week about Izzys anger with our new structured homework strategy, but I just wasn’t in the mindset to talk that out last night, I didn’t want to deal with her anger. So Brad switched gears. And had us do a sandwich intervention.

One compliment, one complaint, one compliment.

It sounds easy. It’s not. And when you do it with an unfocused, squirrely, autistic, adhd kid who’s medicine is on hour 10, brace yourself for what you’re about to get! She wasn’t sure she could come up with compliments to give me, I think the best one she gave me was “I like the way your heart beats” (to which Todd later said at least it wasn’t a complaint!). Try this exercise sometime with a friend or family member. Sit facing each other and give one compliment, one complaint and one compliment. It opens your eyes to how easy it is to complain, but hard to truly compliment

When we got home last night, Izzy retreated into her space and I made her dinner. I played a little roblox with her, to show her I’m interested in the things she likes…and she complained the whole time about how much I suck at roblox. And then we had to do homework. She was mean and angry and defiant when I told her to put her phone away for homework. She complained that it was a day off and she shouldn’t have to do homework. Sorry kid. I stuck to my guns and we got it done. Then she whined and complained because she had to take a shower (“I don’t smell, Mom!”… “Are you sure about that Iz?”)

When bedtime finally rolled around, I felt exhausted and beat up. Even though we laughed a lot at therapy tonight, even though in the moment I wasn’t offended by her ridiculous surface compliments and her (in my mind) silly complaints, I felt like I’d been through battle by the time we were settling into our bedtime routine. I wanted to tell her how annoyed I was. I wanted to complain. And then, as I was packing her school bag and clearing out all of the clutter, I found this gem… a school paper from Friday where apparently they were to make some drawings. And the only thing she had completed was the “your choice” square where she’s drawn a big red heart and wrote i ❤️ mom. And just like that I felt 110% better. My tough middle school “edgy” girl had drawn this in class. I sat down next to her nearly sleeping body and whispered in her ear “in the good and the bad, I love you more than ice cream and gummy bears, and I believe God made you for me and that you are the most beautiful, smart and brave person I’ve ever met.”

No complaint. Just a whole bunch of from my heart compliments. Thanks for the sandwich intervention, Brad.❣️

Todd and I met with Brad today. I wanted to spend a couple sessions with him before he leaves where we can discuss parenting Izzy through these peaks and valleys of her early middle school years. He talked us through where we are and where and how we need to walk together to meet her in the hard. And in that discussion he said “together you have to both embrace the anger she has when she has it (give nurture) AND have consequences for those actions as appropriate (have structure).” And we must “Find the function of the dysfunction.” See Izzy uses her anger to put herself in a position of power and control. That’s the function of the dysfunction for her. Brad has seen it from Day 1. I have fallen victim to it for years and years, in this negative feedback loop that Izzy and I have perfected like a waltz. How is it that a child could figure all of that out and execute it from such a young age and Todd and I struggle to manage it. As Brad said and we’ve always known “she’s beyond smart and she’s a survivor.”

It’s hard to believe that a baby, given to adoptive parents at 20 minutes old, would ever have “adoption trauma.” But it is a very true and very real thing and it is what often times drives Izzys anger, her need for power and/or control of the situations she is in. There have been times that Izzy will push and defy and yell until it seems we all are about to break…and in those moments she is seeing how far she can push us to see if we will keep her. It’s a heartbreaking adoption reality, but reality just the same. No matter how many times we tell her she belongs, she questions…but we will continue, every minute of every day if that’s what it takes.

At the end of every session we’ve ever had with Brad, he has us look at each other and ask the other for what we need in order to move forward on the path he’s led us down that day. And today when it was my turn, I asked Todd for help in sticking with the structure and consequences we set for/with Izzy, as nurturing is more my style. I asked for grace when I fail and I asked Todd, and God, for help in reminding me that I don’t have to do all the hard parenting, the work on the home front, the worry by myself. And as I asked for that, Brad whispered (it will help you not be constantly so tired). And I realized in that moment that he is so, so right. I have to share the burden of parenting Izzy. I can’t learn the lessons of therapy and OT and keep them from Todd. I have to give him some of my burden. That whisper from Brad, was a beacon from God. Hear and abide and it will go a long way in helping you not be so mentally, physically and emotionally/spiritually exhausted.

Brad is also working through some tough things with Izzy. Her recent attitude at school, her wondering about her own mental health and where and what it will lead to, and maybe toughest of all is his imminent relocation. We have definitely decided to stay with Brad, using virtual therapy. He showed Izzy how that will work at her session yesterday. And today we discussed if Brad truly thinks it will be successful. He admitted it will take everything he has to make it work-to keep her engaged, to keep the relationship they have thriving-but he’s excited by the challenge. He is an amazing man of God, therapist, blessing to our family. I pray he is successful in this challenge that lies ahead of us…that he and Izzy can continue their journey together. Pray that prayer with me, will you…

I wish you knew how amazing you are. You are my hero because you overcome obstacles daily. Even when you are convinced you cannot

I wish you saw how beautiful you are. You’re right, you have no hair…but the hair on your head does not define your beauty and if anyone tells you it does, they are not your friend and they are superficial and they are just plain wrong.

I wish you believed me when I tell you that you inspire others. You do! With your knack for always telling the truth. When you overcome and rise above. When you run through the fire because you have no other choice. You inspire others.

I wish you saw more than mental illness when you look at yourself in the mirror. There is so much more to you. Layers and layers of amazing creativity, passion and artistry.

I wish you believed me that every girl is scared to get boobs but that someday you will grow to love them because they represent the fact that you lived through puberty!

I wish you knew that having “fat rolls” when you scrunch up your tummy and thighs that “jiggle” when you run and dance does not mean that you’re fat or lesser as a human being. Even the skinniest of humans can give themselves a fat roll if they really try.

I wish you knew that you are one of the smartest 12 yr olds I know. You don’t always apply your knowledge in school, but you show us all daily how smart you truly are. And being smart is cool.

I wish you knew that people are not usually mad at you. And when they give you options to help solve your problems, they are simply trying to help because they care for you.

I wish you knew that God truly and deeply loves you. That you are a child of God and He will always be there for you. Believing in things you cannot see if difficult for you, my black and white girl, but it’s ok to to try. God understands. He made you the way you are!

I wish you knew that your village of people on Team Izzy expands far beyond your comprehension. And even people whom you have never met love you and root for you.

I wish you knew that your courage is just plain amazeballs. You got up in front of 30+ 5th graders and explained to them about your trich. You get on a stage ALL BY YOURSELF and dance! You enter a show ring with a 300lb llama and you get that llama to perform! You went to a new school this year where you knew like 10people-and you were a rock star! And I wish you knew that I’m not the only one who knows you are insanely courageous!

Yes, you have hard days. Yes, you can yell and scream at us or grunt and flip us off. Yes you are stubborn and yes you will make an assumption or jump to a conclusion and it takes an act of God to change your mind…. but you also have such a fierce loyalty, an infectious laugh, a smile that can light a room and love for those in your circle that is strong and complete.

I wish you knew that you are loved beyond measure. By your keeper family, your birth family, your teachers, your church, your friends. Our love for you is unconditional and you belong in our family. You. Belong.

It’s been 15 months since Izzy started pulling head hair. She has shaved her head twice, has about a dozen wigs and more hats and headbands than I care to count. It’s become our norm. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me when I find a heap of hairs in my bathroom sink. It makes me sad and makes me mourn all that beautiful curly blonde hair. I will often stand there for just a few seconds and wonder what her blonde curly locks would actually look like if they were allowed to grow back. It seems, from her current regrowth, that it would be dark. But would it be the same curls, would it be coarser, would it ever be allowed to get to the length it once was. And then I remind myself what I’ve told Izzy countless times, your hair does not define you and being safe and happy and loving yourself is all that matters.

I see some positive changes in Izzy of late. Not on the hair front, but in getting herself ready for school, in personal hygiene, in learning how to try and communicate with her words when she’s upset. Yesterday she was upset searching for something she couldn’t find at school and she asked for help. She asked her teacher for help with her words! Baby steps!

She has a major change coming up in her life. Her amazing therapist, Brad, is relocating. The news came to us all as a gut punch, and big alligator tears accompanied her finding out. Izzy rarely cries. So the tears at Brads news we’re overwhelming for all of us. He’s opening his own practice and will offer virtual counseling…so we’re gonna give that a try and see how it goes. I don’t know, but it might allow her a chance to be more open with him and to talk through some of the hard stuff with more ease. I absolutely believe that God led us to Brad, and I will do whatever it takes to keep her relationship with him available for as long as she needs him. We talked that Columbus OH isn’t that far away, and maybe once a quarter we could travel to him for a session.

I got to see most of her important North Elementary peeps this week and hug them and tell them “yeah, she’s doing really well in MS” and “yes, she’s still pulling but she rocks those wigs and has complete confidence in having new hair everyday despite the judgement and meanness that can come in MS” and my favorite thing to tell them was “she’s made three fantastic friends who motivate her to go to school daily and who seem to comfort and support her and who GET her like no friends she’s ever had!” It was such a treat to see them all and know that their love for my girl stretches beyond the years she was there in their classrooms. Blessed by the best.

One last thought. We got a scholarship to attend the BFRB conference in April! So we’ll be spending 4 days of our spring break with kids and adults like Izzy! People who pull hair and skin pick like she does! I can’t wait to take her! I know it won’t give us a solution, but it will give her a hotel full of people who get it.

It’s been 15 months since Izzy started pulling head hair. She has shaved her head twice, has about a dozen wigs and more hats and headbands than I care to count. It’s become our norm. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me when I find a heap of hairs in my bathroom sink. It makes me sad and makes me mourn all that beautiful curly blonde hair. I will often stand there for just a few seconds and wonder what her blonde curly locks would actually look like if they were allowed to grow back. It seems, from her current regrowth, that it would be dark. But would it be the same curls, would it be coarser, would it ever be allowed to get to the length it once was. And then I remind myself what I’ve told Izzy countless times, your hair does not define you and being safe and happy and loving yourself is all that matters.

I see some positive changes in Izzy of late. Not on the hair front, but in getting herself ready for school, in personal hygiene, in learning how to try and communicate with her words when she’s upset. Yesterday she was upset searching for something she couldn’t find at school and she asked for help. She asked her teacher for help with her words! Baby steps!

She has a major change coming up in her life. Her amazing therapist, Brad, is relocating. The news came to us all as a gut punch, and big alligator tears accompanied her finding out. Izzy rarely cries. So the tears at Brads news we’re overwhelming for all of us. He’s opening his own practice and will offer virtual counseling…so we’re gonna give that a try and see how it goes. I don’t know, but it might allow her a chance to be more open with him and to talk through some of the hard stuff with more ease. I absolutely believe that God led us to Brad, and I will do whatever it takes to keep her relationship with him available for as long as she needs him. We talked that Columbus OH isn’t that far away, and maybe once a quarter we could travel to him for a session.

I got to see most of her important North Elementary peeps this week and hug them and tell them “yeah, she’s doing really well in MS” and “yes, she’s still pulling but she rocks those wigs and has complete confidence in having new hair everyday despite the judgement and meanness that can come in MS” and my favorite thing to tell them was “she’s made three fantastic friends who motivate her to go to school daily and who seem to comfort and support her and who GET her like no friends she’s ever had!” It was such a treat to see them all and know that their love for my girl stretches beyond the years she was there in their classrooms. Blessed by the best.

One last thought. We got a scholarship to attend the BFRB conference in April! So we’ll be spending 4 days of our spring break with kids and adults like Izzy! People who pull hair and skin pick like she does! I can’t wait to take her! I know it won’t give us a solution, but it will give her a hotel full of people who get it.

We made it through Christmas. It’s always a hard day for my girl. It’s overwhelming, over stimulating and overly emotional. It’s wanting so many things and being excited to get some, upset to not get others. It’s counting presents to make sure Jackson doesn’t get more than she does. It’s running around like a party girl one minute and curling in a ball the next. And it’s staying up late, even though she took her sleep meds, and sleeping in late the next day to recover. But we made it through. And funny enough, I saw no hair pulling!

We did have a Christmas snafu…I didn’t think Izzy still believed in Santa so I planned a Santa free Christmas. I guess she actually did…or really wanted to still. I got a little nervous when she mentioned the reindeer food and then sat out cookies and milk. Santa has always left his gifts unwrapped under our tree. This year, all the presents were wrapped and Izzy was so upset that Santa forgot us. Crap. She wouldn’t let me say the words, so I simply said “once we reach a certain age, mom and dad take over the gift giving for Santa.” She was so angry. All day. At me….not her dad, just me. I’m used to her anger, but it set us up for a day full of snark and impatience and glares. I tried my best, but I was definitely in the doghouse all day. Oh well, someday we’ll laugh about it (maybe). Rosebud made a Christmas snafu today…she snacked on the foot of Izzys new doll. Oops 😬 🐶

Even though Christmas Day itself is hard, these Christmas Break days are treasured. There’s no homework, no school-induced stress. There’s game playing, movie watching, puzzle making, animal snuggling, wine drinking (haha!) and very little pulling. Here’s to another 11 days of break 🥂