It’s been another week plus of school, therapy, life. and right this minute, sitting at my desk watching it snow and snow, I feel so very peaceful. A strange feeling for me. Tommi is showing me he can do some schoolwork by himself….and even if his grades aren’t quite as good, he’s doing it by himself! And he is communicating with me fairly well and he is laughing more than usual. He is on a mission to beat me in a tickle fight and that just isn’t happening! He’s spent a couple recent evenings with his Dad while I’ve been out of the house and they’ve done really pretty well together. We are living in a peak this week….I breathe easy and enjoy it while it’s here because timing of the next valley is unpredictable.

Jackson is doing great at Purdue. Living his best life. He’s joined some clubs and has his interviews for RA are next Friday and Saturday. Currently living through his first real campus snow and enjoying the beauty of it.

Todd and I are on a road to better our relationship and it’s going pretty darn well. We are talking to Brad every other week and we’re jumping into some deep and unknown territories in our marriage and in ourselves. We have lots of mini date ideas ready for the grabbing and are talking more about the important stuff than we have in a long time. I see Todd working so hard. And I see changes within myself as well… I actually reached out to him this week with some pretty intense mom guilt I was feeling and he didn’t sit in it with me because I didn’t ask him to, but he did validate it and worked with me to solve it. And it felt good. I felt seen and heard and that’s a big win. I am reaching outside of my comfort zone and finding it’s not always as scary as I fear.

I have withdrawn into myself for so long it’s a safety move for me. It started with our miscarriages and just built from there. My withdrawing got worse with each miscarriage and then with each diagnosis Tommi was given and each new layer of mama bear I developed. I was mama bear-ing even with Todd. When I feel guilt or grief or anger, I withdraw. It’s easy and safe in my own space. Todd is a pursuer, but he learned over the years to not pursue me because I wouldn’t respond to that. Brad is teaching Todd to be an inviter instead. By inviting me to share, to go out on a limb, I feel the relative safety of that space and Todd can get through my internal “gatekeeper” and find gold in me giving him some access to my feelings. We’ve had some successes in this since our last therapy.

This quote below is so spot on for me. not as a mom…I can be confident and assertive as all hell as a mom…but as a human. Especially a human whose nature is to withdraw in the uncomfortable. I have been reaching beyond my comfort zone with Brad and now Todds help for several months. Some days it doesn’t feel good…some days it’s flat out terrifying…but it is getting better. I just have to remember it’s a journey, not a sprint.

We probably each have a special place that just makes you smile. Makes you relax and fills you with peace or joy, or both. I have two such places… my mom & dads house and Purdue University.

In our house, we affectionately call Purdue “Gods Country.” It’s where Todd and I met, spent years growing and learning; becoming independent and living our best lives. We made life-long friends, learned life-long lessons and found a life-long love. And now we get to watch our Jackson do the same things in his own way at Purdue. And it fills me with so much joy.

He’s only been back to school for two weeks. But it seems more like months to this mama. So today we took the opportunity to take in a Purdue Basketball game with our Boilermaker. And that 5 hour visit to Gods Country with my boys was just what my tired, recently sick soul needed. It was 5 hours where I didn’t think about Tommi, or work, or the things I needed to be doing at the house. It was 5 hours of rooting on my team, chatting with my boy and bonding with my best friend. Believe me I soaked up every second of that 5 hours!

And we will have an exciting date opportunity to report to Brad in therapy this week. He is challenging us to make time for each other. To plan mini-dates where we can intentionally spend a short time together. And in this last two weeks, we’ve had a mini-date at home over a new puzzle, breakfast at Erika’s, and our trip to and from Purdue today. We even took The Ungame with us today to make sure we talked on our drive.

The Ungame is something we’ve played with Brad to encourage sharing opinions, feelings, memories. It’s a great way to connect or have an icebreaker with people. Tommi loves it. He loves playing it with Brad and Brad often used it as bribery for getting “the good stuff” out of Tommi. And when Brad left two years ago, he gave Tommi his version of the game. I’ve actually even used it at work during a staff meeting. Good stuff.

We started talking about mom guilt and grief in our last therapy session. Why is it moms pile this huge burden on ourselves? On top of everything we do for our family, we pile this mom guilt on top believing we did “it” wrong and now we’ve caused our children to live with some horrible irrevocable damage. Todd doesn’t experience it, doesn’t even begin to get it. I wonder in families where it’s just one dad, or two dads, does one of them take on that responsibility of “mom guilt?” And I wonder if all moms experience the mom guilt and if most moms grieve as their children transition to adulthood.

In our last therapy I expressed grief over Jackson going back to school. I don’t grieve Jacksons childhood on a daily basis. Mostly on days when I miss something he gives me, a void he fills for me that Todd and Tommi do not. And I grieve him for a day or so after he heads back to college, especially when he’s been home for awhile. But I also find great joy in his successes and I love watching him discovering things about himself and his world. I have a front row seat to that, and I wouldn’t trade that view for anything. Somehow, with a lot of hard work, love and dedication, and despite my mom guilt, we raised one hell of a human. I pray we can do it again with Tommi in spite of his mental health challenges.

My early mom guilt for Jackson was based in our miscarriages. I worried that I was so wrapped up in those 7 miscarriages that I wasn’t being a good mom to Jackson. He remembers nothing of that time, and that gives me some relief of that early mom guilt. But then I had years of mom guilt that I was too wrapped up in Tommi and figuring out how to best parent him, that I put Jackson’s needs on the back burner again. Jackson, whether he ever felt that way or not, never complained and when I’ve inquired, he completely absolves me of that guilt. Did I mention how good of a human he is?

These days my mom guilt completely centers around Tommi. Tommi is one tough cookie to parent. I wouldn’t change him being mine for an instant (though some days I wonder what God was thinking when he placed Tommi in our lives). He’s so smart, so funny, so hostile, so needy and so very manipulative. He remembers the “bad stuff” and pulls it out as ammunition at the perfect time to make that mom guilt so thick and murky it’s impossible to see through it. He is uncomfortable with my grief, tears, needy moments and he turns those into more mom guilt. And then when I’m doubting myself at a level that is nearly suffocating, he flips a switch and is the kind, gentle and loving kid I adore. I am getting better at navigating the tough, murky waters with Tommi, of saying “that’s enough” or “I’m done with this conversation” or “you need to back off and give me a moment” but in the years leading up to now, I was not good at any of that. I was full of mom guilt, anxiety over a pending tantrum or a desire for peace and it led to me doing whatever made the situation better. Whatever made the angst of the moment go away. Settling or giving in or giving up in order to move forward. In order to find peace. Mom guilt is exhausting and it’s a constant thread in my mind…mom guilt that my need for peace allowed Tommi to learn manipulation and to learn to use my past words or actions against me. Mom guilt that I’ve parented him “wrong” and caused his current attitude or behavior or whatever it may be. Mom guilt is no joke.

I have a lot of work to do on this. I believe that parenting Tommi will never truly be over. Due to his mental health needs and autism he will always need us in ways Jackson will not. And we will have to find that balance. To give Tommi independence, but make sure he’s being mature enough to handle said independence. To help him when he asks and sit back when he doesn’t. To allow him to struggle, fail, get back up and try again. To be on guard of those whom he decides to befriend and make sure they have his best interests at heart. To be his cheerleader or comforter, not his decision-maker. To not let my mom guilt be my life-long companion.

Having an autistic child makes my mom guilt different from mom guilt for a neurotypical kid. Since I have one of each, I think I have the right to say that. I think it makes the mom guilt harder, thicker, deeper. If I mess something up or make a situation harder for my autistic kid, I have negatively impacted not just this moment, but every similar moment in the future until I can “undo” the “damage.” And that’s a challenge of gargantuan proportions. And it brings a lot of guilt. What I need right now is to find a way to recognize and navigate that mom guilt in a way that lets us all move forward. Where Tommi doesn’t use it against me, where Todd can recognize it and not jump in and solve it, but jump in and sit with me in it. And then together we can walk through it and manage it. Todd, myself and Tommi have a lot of work to do. With Brads help and guidance, we’ll get there.

I am weary. I am burdened. I am coming to God on my knees and asking Him to take my burden and give me rest. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding; in all your ways know him, and he will make your path straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s been a rough few days. I had the perfect storm on Thursday afternoon that landed me in a panic of nausea, heart palpitations and tinnitus as well as in a session of therapy with Brad. I cried with him for an hour-raw feelings, honest truths. He listened, validated and advised me. It’s been 4 days and I’m more peaceful, but living with held breath and a stomach of anxiety most of the time right now.

My reaction to two simultaneous situations shocked and scared me. I’ve never felt such a strong sense of overwhelming sadness and fear like that before. Brad assured me (at least 52 times) it was a normal reaction, but wow. That was intense. I talked to him while sitting on the floor of my closet behind two locked doors. I needed to find a closed in, dark, safe place…what’s safer than locked in my closet with my shoes! 😂

I am trying to be more open and less closed down when I’m uncomfortable or upset—and that’s against my nature as I don’t want confrontation. I’m trying to reach for comfort in those moments when I’m anxious or upset or angry from those who fill me with peace and love and support—and that’s against my nature as I don’t want to share my burden. I’m trying to be more in tune with Todd. I am trying to navigate Tommi’s gender, pronouns, name. I am trying to navigate giving Tommi more autonomy but knowing when to step in and how to handle his needs and expectations. Im trying to figure out the best school path for Tommi that will be acceptable to all of us. I’m trying to be there for Jackson when he wants me there but give him freedom to fly most of the time.

That’s a lot of trying. And a lot of emotions. And a lot of anxious moments and a lot of impending growth. And as Brad emphasized, with each breakthrough there will be moments of pride, moments where you want to puke, and moments when you’re so emotionally tired that you need to rest. And that resting is not avoidance of your problems. It’s a chance to recharge so you can face them more productively and successfully.

I’m also coming to learn that trauma isn’t necessarily a horrific moment of terror that changes your life in a heartbeat. It can be small moments that we don’t take the time to deal with immediately and they begin to stack on top of each other until they’re so deep that you’re treading water to stay afloat. 7 miscarriages, the decision to adopt, the adhd, the anxiety, the autism, the ocd, the transgender proclamation, the marriage on the back-burner…layer after layer of small individual traumas that I/we now have to wade through. Thank goodness for an amazing God, amazing husband, amazing family/friends and amazing Brad. We have a lot of work ahead of us.

I talked in my last blog about being available to Tommi 24/7 and how that has become a daunting task. That I need to learn to put Tommi in Todd’s hands and Todd needs to learn how to diffuse the Tommi bomb as I can. We’ve given it a try a few times in the last two weeks. Some attempts more successful than others. But I’ve also begun to make it clear that there are times I won’t bend to Tommi and times I won’t apologize. Whoo-heads are starting to spin over here! Wish us luck this Thursday as Jackson and I travel to the Music City Bowl in Nashville to root on Purdue! Team Todd and Tommi. 🖤💛🏈🚂 And my sister and brother-in-law gave us a overnight at a nearby bed and breakfast so we can get away together for a night. I’m looking forward to that with excitement and fear.

One final thought for today. I think I have been so busy trying to make sure Tommi felt supported and had the things that he needed to feel comfortable and experience less gender dysphoria and making sure every word I said was in line with showing support that I haven’t grieved fully what him being transgender really means to me. Tommi is the first to remind me that this isn’t about me…and I agree to a point…but in this I have lost the little girl that I was handed at 20minutes old, the daughter who loved to dress up in princess gowns and do make up tutorials on any victim (I mean relative) she could get to sit down, the beauty who walked down the aisle of my sisters long awaited wedding, the name we so carefully chose to be hers. That’s the part that IS about me. The part I need to grieve. I will get there, I have loads of people in my own village who will help me along the way…if I just continue to find the courage to reach out.

At the end of our last session Brad showed me several things he’d written down during our session that he wanted me to remember…. To anchor myself in. I’m trying, Brad. I’m trying. 💙

Anyone who has done therapy knows that it causes you to see things you (and others) do in a different light. You may go into therapy thinking “this situation is not my fault” or “I don’t think I need to work on anything” and come to find out that there are many things you can do to make your life and the lives of your loved ones easier. If we’re honest, every human has many things they could handle better, easier, with more grace or love. Therapy is hard work; and change, of any kind, is also hard. We want others to change for us but would rather stay firmly in our own comfort zone. But if I stay in my comfort zone, I will never grow. I will never improve. I will expect something of others that I won’t do myself. I believe with the help of a good therapist we can all move toward a better, more fulfilling life. And if you’ve read any of my blog, you know we have the best therapist!

Last week in our session, Todd and I talked about many things, not the least of which was why Todd likes to talk to me on the phone rather than texting (an ahh-ha moment for me), and how I never give my full 100% attention to him in our conversations. I’m half-listening to him while doing other things at the same time or I get bored or I’m tired and I stop listening. There are times that me giving Todd 90% (or less) of me is fine, but there are times when he wants and deserves that extra 10%. There are times I need the same thing from Todd, even though I hadn’t identified that need until we were in the midst of the conversation. Brad called them our “10% moments” and he helped us find our signal to use when Todd (or I) need that extra 10% and he challenged us to find a way to have those 10% moments without distraction… which means we may be bundling up and heading to the car to have a few quiet moments from time to time! Lol 😂 we think Tommi wouldn’t find me there for at least 3-4 minutes!

We also spent some time talking about my need for some “me time.” I am 24/7 “on call” for Tommi. I always have been. I am his person and over the past 14 yrs I have created a “momma monster” who wants me and only me when he’s in need of help. In doing so, I have made it nearly impossible to leave the house without Tommi or without Tommi texting or calling me while I’m out. I rarely do something enjoyable by myself or specifically for me or even for Todd and me alone. When I do go out for dinner or a concert or coffee with a friend, my phone is on and out just in case Tommi needs anything. On our football days Tommi often stays home, but I always have phone at the ready and he is constantly on my mind while we’re away. Even if Todd is home with Tommi, I try to prep Todd for a successful time home with Tommi but I know that ultimately I will be the one Tommi reaches out to, so again my phone is in hand while I’m out. I think part of this is just being a momma. But part of it is being a momma of a special needs kid, part of it is not allowing Todd a place of trust in Tommi’s life and part of it is being a massive momma bear.

Brad had a simple question for me. Why don’t you turn your phone off. My simple answer: I can’t. I refuse to. I won’t do that. What if someone needs something and I’m unavailable? What if they can’t find something and I know where it is? What if…..

Brad knows me well enough to know my refusal wasn’t going anywhere. So he went a different direction. What if you leave the phone on but we set some boundaries. Because the long and short of it is that I cannot diffuse a fight happening at home when I’m not at home. So….Brad proposed that Kira will tell Tommi that Todd is his go to while Kira is out. And Kira won’t respond to any text or call unless there’s blood or fire or fighting to the point of calling 911. (I asked how I know if there’s blood or fire and he said “they send you evidence via a picture!”)

So. My growth now begins and my comfort zone is stretched. And honestly Todd’s growth is also being stretched as he navigates diffusing Tommi and getting Tommi to allow him to help when I’m out of reach.

The good news is that to give ourselves opportunity for this growth, I had to make some friend dates! I had coffee with Tosha on Sunday. Phone on, but in my purse. I had Mexican with Stacey last night…phone on Do Not Disturb and in my purse. I didn’t check it for three hours! And when I did, there were 5 texts…but none from my family! Our conversation did not center around Tommi…we talked about EVERYTHING! It was refreshing and I enjoyed every minute of our time together! But maybe better even than any of that… when I walked in the door at home, Todd and Tommi were downstairs in the same space and it was peaceful! I know it may not always be this beautiful, but I also know that it can be…the potential is there.

Next week we have another opportunity for this growth when I get to enjoy dinner with Ali! And then on the 30th we will have a big huge test as I spend the day with my favorite 20 year old cheering on our Boilermakers in the Music City Bowlgame! Todd will be on 100% duty and I will be enjoying every minute of my time with the big kid! Wish us luck….on the growth AND the football game! ❤️🖤💛

I went to the KLove Christmas concert last night with an old and a new friend. As I sat between them, feeling safe and loved, I was suddenly overcome with great sadness. I sat there listening to these wonderful praise songs and was sad because our Christmas will be so different this year. Our first Christmas with Tommi. And while yes, Tommi IS Izzy, it’s just not the same. I will write Tommi on his packages. I ordered new family name ornaments for our tree, so his will say Tommi, not Izzy, and they will all match.

I was sad because Tommi does not believe in God. Does not celebrate Christmas for the same reasons I do. He is not celebrating the birth of Jesus, he is celebrating a day when he gets presents. And while this is actually the case with a lot of children, I wish it was different for him.

I listened to the words of those songs and did a lot of praying for my kid last night. I held back tears until they tumbled over my eye lids and I handed that grief over to God. Or at least I tried. Because when it comes down to the bottom line, I am blessed. I still have my kiddo. He let us know his gender identity, he tells me his truths, he gives me the opportunity to ask questions and he feels safe and happy (usually) in our home. A lot of trans kids don’t have those same blessings and many trans parents have lost their kids to being unaccepting of their kids truth and/or their kids suicide.

I am trying hard to move forward, one foot in front of the other every day. I’m using his preferred name and pronouns almost all the time, and I even use it when I’m talking about stories from the past. But I find myself still thinking in my mind with she/her pronouns. And I need to stop that.

Some days Facebook memories are especially hard. Today a memory was of Izzy dressed like Clara for her Holiday dress up day in elementary. Full head of long curly locks, beautiful dress….so girly. So Izzy.

We go to the gender clinic for our first appointment two weeks from today. I expect to leave with lots of information and a rx for period blockers. It’s not time for additional meds. Tommi said that himself.

One more thing tonight. I had a patient on Monday who asked about my kids. It happens often. I said they were fine and left it at that. He asked what year in college my son was and I told him… knowing what the next question would be. “And your daughter…?”

And there it was….This man has been my patient for 12+ years. We have talked a lot at his appointments, he knows of my family and I know of his. But did I feel safe to tell him our truth. I felt a nudge, so I said “well, Izzy now goes by Tommi and uses different pronouns.” And John nodded and said “Does Tommi go by he/him or they/them? …Because my daughter is gay….she uses she/her.”

And with that I felt a wave of acceptance and 100% comfortable to tell him more of our truth. We talked, he counseled, he gave me resources and let me in on the fact that he and his wife were very active in PFLAG and encouraged me to do the same. Tonight, he sent me a lovely email from him and his wife full of more acceptance and encouragement and links to lots of trans resources.

God is there in these people who come to me for professional help but give me the best of themselves at the same time. God was there in that theater last night as those songs were sung, that fellowship was shared and my prayers went up. And God will be there on Christmas morning to make it just as wonderful as in years past…I trust in that.

In a year where we, as a collective humanity, have been given so many challenges, we can still find so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for Todd. He works so hard for us. At a job he doesn’t love and in a home where he often meets hostility from his youngest kiddo and eye rolls from me. He loves us so much. So much so that he agreed to go to therapy with me. We have weathered so many storms together and he always is there to take my anger, frustration, fear and inability to talk. He shares his wicked sense of humor when I can’t find my smile and love even when I don’t deserve it. And he still likes holding my sweaty hand.

I am thankful for Jackson. He is a light in my life and gives me so much joy. He is my easy kid, but I try not to take that for granted. He is living his best life at the best university on earth and I’m so proud of him. I’m grateful for the random phone calls to share an experience or a frustration, for the silly snaps he sends me daily and I’m grateful for the love he gives so freely.

I am grateful for Tommi. He is my greatest challenge and my greatest gift. He is my shadow. He continues to teach me daily about mental illness, being unique, being genuine, powering through anxiety and now gender health. He is smart as a whip, mean as a snake and loving as a puppy dog. He is in my consciousness nearly every minute of a day, and he definitely receives my most fervent prayers.

I am grateful for my mom and dad, Tina and Kyle and my family. They are simply the best with their unconditional love and support. I love you all with all of my heart.

I am grateful for my mom village, my amazing friends local and afar and the women who I’ve found to support me through PFLAG, GenderNexus and Proverbs 31. You all fill me up in different ways that keep me moving forward when I’m not sure I can. Special shout-out to Tosha, Ali and Stacey. I love you all so very much.

I’m thankful for Brad. For his guidance, support, validation and spirituality. He sheds light in those dark spaces, he leads me to honesty, he welcomes my tears and he listens and laughs with me. God led him to us 3 years ago as someone who could do the BrainPaint I was hoping would solve Tommi’s problems but he has become so much more to us.

There are so many other things to be grateful for: jobs, health, home, food and faith. God richly blesses us and while I’d like to think we show our gratitude daily, I know that is not the case. It will be my goal to be more grateful in 2022.

Todd and I have been married 23 years. We were babies when we got married. And in the past 23 years we have been through about every emotion in the book. We lost Todd’s dad two months after our wedding. We had Jackson, then fought respiratory illnesses throughout his first year of life. We had 7 miscarriages, worked for our foster parent license, adopted Isabella, changed jobs, lost jobs, loved jobs and hated jobs. We have travelled down the active, involved kid road, the mental health kid road, the college kid road and now the transgender kid road. And through most all of it we took the divide and conquer tactic. We have passed like ships in the night for almost 20 years and we have found ourselves at a place of distance and regret. Parenting and holding a marriage strong is hard for any couple. Parenting and keeping a marriage strong is near impossible for a couple with a child who has mental illness.

And so we find ourselves in a place where we are no longer each other’s safe harbour. And we are embarking on a journey to come back to each other.

We met each other in the safe space, for me, of Brads therapy room this week. Todd would rather meet in his safe space…our living room with just the two of us. But I, and I believe we, need Brad at this point. Brad can keep us on track, will call us on our bullshit, and lead us through the tough but necessary conversations. We spent an hour talking, crying, laughing, listening. We said some things we’d been holding back, neither of us withdrew or got angry. And Tommi, in Brads words, gave us a freaking miracle by giving us that hour alone with each other and Brad.

Brad made sure we both know this is going to be a long ride because we both have so much regret and so many unsaid things and because our path with Tommi has been and will continue to be challenging. Therapy will be long and bumpy, but if we keep coming into his space, being honest, we’ll get there. And I believe we will. If anyone can do it, Todd, myself and Brad can.

I had this awesome conversation with Tommi last night. And I need to document it so I can keep remembering and learning as we travel through our coming days.

My question: How long do you think you’ve been considering yourself transgender? You used to be such a “girly-girl”…

Tommi: I was good at feminine expression with my clothing. I loved Barbies and Disney Princesses, but toys are so gendered and they really shouldn’t be. It’s hard for me to say when the transgender identity came through to my conscious. I used to sing a song about wanting a penis…do you remember that (yes…very clearly) and then in the last year I just started considering…do I feel more comfortable identifying male? I didn’t really know that gay and lesbian and transgenderism existed until recently. It’s not something you and dad taught me about. And that’s ok – it’s not a big thing in your lives, at least it wasn’t <wink>

Me: So do you feel like dad and I failed in that aspect of parenting?

Tommi: No. There wasn’t really a reason to bring it up at the time.

My question: Did you start pulling your hair as an initial/early sign of gender dysphoria or identity questioning?

Tommi: I don’t really think so, but I can’t say that definitively. You loved my hair, but I didn’t like my hair

My question: Do you think you will ever grow your hair back out? You keep shaving it when it starts to get long

Tommi: I’ve been shaving it because I’m trying to fill in my patches that I’ve pulled and then I want to try and grow it all out at the same length. I have two of the patches filled back in. I do really like wearing wigs though.

My question: We all know that someone at the center made an inappropriate comment about your boobs at the beginning of 2021. Did that comment have any baring on your decision to come out as transgender?

Tommi: That comment did and still does piss me off. But I don’t think so. It made me uncomfortable, but didn’t cause me to come out as transgender.

My question: So do you agree that being transgender is really different from being gay, lesbian or bi-sexual. Do you agree that gender identity isn’t necessarily the same as sexuality?

Tommi: YES! You can be transgender, and heterosexual. You can be transgender and gay or lesbian. It depends on how you identify and who you are attracted to.

My question: So you have a bf. And he is transgender male as well. So does that make you gay?

Tommi: It would. If I labeled myself that way.

My question: What’s the Q in LGBTQ?

Tommi: It’s for Queer, or Questioning. And queer is a derogative term, but if the LGBTQ community takes back ownership of it, it could no longer be derogative. But that’s complicated.

My question: You want to stop your periods, and use he/him pronouns…but tonight when I got out some of your dresses from your closet to give to a different child, you said “then you’ll need to buy me more dresses” Why do you want to wear dresses if you are TransMale?

Tommi: Because sometimes I still want to dress up and look nice, and even though they are, clothes should not be gender specific. I should be able to wear what makes me happy and comfortable. Sometimes that’s a tshirt and sweats; sometimes it’s pants and a button up mens shirt; sometimes it’s a dress.

My question: How about medicines….where’s your head on that?

Tommi: I definitely want to stop my periods. I’m not sure about Testosterone. I would like my voice a little deeper, but maybe I can work on that myself. I’m not sure I want the body changes that T makes happen. At least not now.

Me: Well you have a couple years before you can do T anyway. So you have plenty of time to consider that and make a decision.

My question: Would you feel comfortable talking to and answering questions that family or friends might have?

Tommi: Absolutely! I know a lot and I want people to understand as much as possible.

My question: Do you know why I went and talked to my aunts and uncles last weekend?

Tommi: I do. And I’m glad you did that. I could have gone with you to answer their questions. I know more than you do.

Me: Probably true in this circumstance. But my goal was to make them feel comfortable asking me anything, and to make you comfortable the next time you are around them. I didn’t know if you would be comfortable talking with them about it.

My question: Are you happy, do you feel safe and loved?

Tommi: I’m usually happy. And yes I do. I think if someone was unkind to me, or threatened me, you would protect me.

I think we both felt really good after this conversation. I thank Stacey and Brad for giving me the confidence to ask the questions of my heart. And I thank Tommi for being willing to answer them. I am blessed.

The standard dictionary definition of grace is:

1. Simple elegance

2. Courteous goodwill

3. To do honor or credit to someone by one’s presence.

The Biblical definition of grace: a spontaneous gift from God to people—Generous, free and totally unexpected and undeserved—that takes the form of divine favor, love and a share in the Devine life of God.

My definition of grace: A beautiful gift of undeserved peace, love and understanding that my God, my family and my friends bestow on me often, a gift I try to freely give others but rarely give myself. A gift Tommi extends about as regularly as a solar eclipse.

In my sessions with Brad, we’ve been working hard on giving myself grace in the midst of living with an autistic, anxious, depressive, adhd transgender teenager. Say that 5 times fast. I hold myself to a different standard than I hold others to in terms of grace. I can and will forgive, extend grace and/or repair with others quickly because nothing feels worse to me than being mad at someone I love or someone I love being mad at me. But giving myself grace…that’s hard. I’m a work in progress and luckily I have Brad, Tosha and Stacey to frequently remind me that I need to give myself that grace.

We’ve also been talking about the holidays and how to ensure that Tommi and my extended family have a comfortable and grace-filled holiday when we are blessed to get together. The idea of transgenderism isn’t something familiar to any of us, and as Todd and I have been processing the whole thing, we have limited ourselves to conversation with just our immediate family. With holidays rapidly approaching, my anxieties were elevating as to how the holidays would go with my extended family. There would be an elephant in the room this year and I didn’t want anyone, most of all Tommi, to suffer from that. Tommi’s new name and pronouns had been told to my aunts and uncles by my parents, but I was beginning to feel that they deserved more than that. They deserved a chance to ask their questions and I needed to be the one hosting that conversation.

So Brad and I sat down and made a list of the things I needed my extended family to know and to do for Tommi, if they could. A short list: use Tommi’s new chosen name, his chosen pronouns and to show him the love, support and encouragement they’ve always given Izzy. If they make a mistake, it’s not the end of the world…move on and try again next time. And that if they couldn’t give Tommi support, then we respectfully ask they didn’t speak poorly of Tommi to Tommi or us. While we love them so much, Tommi’s safety and well-being is our number one priority. Brad challenged me to take the elephant in the room and change it back into our Tommi (izzy).

Brad suggested I start with someone I felt most safe with. Honestly, that could be any of the three sets of them. But I chose my Aunt Janet. Then moved on to Aunt Mary and Uncle Jeff and will finish my Tommi tour with Aunt Andy and Chuck when they return from Florida.

From the minute I called and asked to visit so we could talk about Tommi, I felt nothing but love and grace. There it was again….grace. These people who have loved me as their own for all of my 46 years met me with so much grace. Unconditional love for me and Tommi. And their immediate support. But the grace, that’s what hit me. They met me with such a beautiful grace. They asked questions and listened to my answers. They hugged and they shared their strength and support with me. They filled my spirit and quashed my butterfly filled stomach with their kind grace. And they vowed to love Tommi in the same way they always have. I think we dissolved that elephant in the room on Saturday. I hope to do the same with Andy and Chuck soon.

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know if this will be Tommi’s life from here on out. But I do know that Tommi is damn lucky to be in a family where grace, love and encouragement are at our core.

Tommi turned 14 this weekend. We went to Bowling Green KY to meet his bf in person. Traveling with tommi has always been hard. Travel is 100% not routine. I’ve always attempted to make it as home-like as possible, with a focus on making nighttime and morning as similar to home as possible. But it’s not possible. It’s just not.

I remember a family trip to DC where we spent a good amount of time yelling in the hotel room in the morning just trying to get Tommi dressed and out the door for our days adventures. That ended with tommi repeatedly hitting his hand with a brush until it was red and bruising. Or the afternoon in NYC where he had a massive autism meltdown on the sidewalk and I wanted more than anything to walk away and pretend I didn’t know that kid …or even myself. That one ended with Aunt Tina going back to the hotel with Tommi for a quiet evening so I could enjoy Little Italy and Chinatown with Jackson. Or even Tommis first trip to Disney World where at 22mos we had days of massive meltdowns before he could string words together to tell us it was overstimulating him and he felt out of control. I think that our big family trip to Hawaii might have been the most enjoyable trip we ever had as a family.

But I digress. I knew this trip would be hard. We were going down to meet Tommis bf and celebrate his birthday and he was going to have massive anxiety about how the meeting would go. It was a 100% unknown for all of us. Todd and I were concerned about meeting a kid and their parent whom Tommi met online. I had heard the kid and seen the kid, so I knew it was a kid…but we had no idea who this kids parents were, or what we were walking into. To say this kids mom wasn’t supportive of his declaration of being transgender or of our visit would be an understatement. Luckily the step dad is who brought Ozzy and met with us and he, while definitely from the hills of Kentucky, was kind and happy to have brought ozzy for the visit.

So a trip where 3 out of 3 people were anxious was difficult to say the least. We started it out with a hotel who’s pool was closed….and of course it was too late to cancel…and of course swimming was something Tommi was looking forward to. Todd and I took our corners-him thinking Tommi needed to just buck up and accept no pool; and me thinking we ditch this hotel and find a new one with a pool because it would be easier and Tommi would be happier. As I usually do, I bowled over Todd and made the decision to find a new hotel. Tommi, happy; Todd not so much, Kira, somewhere in the middle.

I told Brad tonight that I felt like I was walking a tightrope all weekend. Trying to keep Tommi in a good headspace, trying to keep Todd in a good mood and not saying something that would tick Tommi off and myself…well teetering on the brink of a breakdown most of the weekend (did I mention I took myself off my anxiety meds?). It’s not a good place to find oneself. It’s exhausting. But I find myself there frequently.

Tommis birthday started out good. Presents, breakfast, smiles. And then as we got closer to time to head to the restaurant suddenly those teenage fears started creeping in. You know the ones (I remember them well as does my mom) the “I hate my hair” “my outfit is stupid” “my makeup sucks.” Take your own teenage angst and multiply it by 100, that’s the teenage angst of an anxious, autistic new 14 year old. It’s not pretty. But we arrived, they arrived, the kids had an amazing 4 hours together at lunch and then the mall. Tommi even felt comfortable enough to take his wig off when he got hot! Todd and I both said we haven’t seen Tommi that happy, smiley, interactive with another kid in a long time. It was worth the drive, the multiple hotel rooms, the yelling and tears leading up to the visit.

We spent the rest of Tommis birthday having a fight at a local dairy farm about ice cream…Tommi wanted three treats, we said no you have to choose, and world war 3 broke out right there by the life-sized plastic Jersey cow. But we made it through that too (with 2 dishes of ice cream and a root beer float for Tommi) and then we had a lovely evening of swimming at the hotel.

My kids birthdays are two of the most important days of the year for me. I want their birthdays to be magical and perfect. But that’s not always real life. There were times this weekend where I wanted to throw in the towel. To rent a car and drive home and change the locks before Todd and Tommi could get back here. Where I shouted to God that I didn’t want to do this anymore. And then I heard Brads voice reminding me that I may not want to keep going, but God says “you will continue because that is your story, but I will be right by your side the whole way.”

Tommi announced late Sunday that he would like to take his hoodie to Ozzy and leave it with him. That involved a trip to Ozzys house. After arguing for a bit about taking a very dirty sweatshirt to Ozzy, we typed his address into Waze and off we went. We were in the complete boondocks of KY. And left the sweatshirt in a mailbox that we thought was Ozzys. Turns out it wasn’t. We left a dirty sweatshirt in some random family’s mailbox! Oops 😅 (Todd and I thought it was funny, probably don’t need to say that Tommi did not…but just imagine the confused person who opened their mailbox to find a dirty sweatshirt in a target bag!)

We ended our weekend feeding and petting the kangaroos and walking through a cave at Kentucky Down Under. Tommi even got to feed and pet a Joey still in its mamas pouch! No better way to end our weekend.

We now head into year 14 with Tommi. God only knows what this year will bring, but I pray for his continued growth in emotions, communication and relationships. I pray for a kiddo who starts finding his inner peace, continues to find and use his anxiety strategies and maybe finds the reason to return to in person school. And I pray for myself to just live and enjoy him, to give him more responsibilities and to just breathe.