It’s Friday afternoon. Izzy and I took the day off because were bringing Amelia the Aussie home tomorrow. She slept in while I ran some errands. Now we’re sitting together, me reading a book and her reading on her phone. The washer is running, dogs are outside barking now and then, birds are singing…it’s a rare moment of quiet in our lives. I don’t often give myself the gift of setting my switch to the off position and doing nothing. That was the discussion Brad and I had in therapy this week….sending the “I have to get this and that done” and the Mom Guilt part of me into another room and just allowing myself a peaceful moment or 10. It will take some good work with him to actually make this a part of my life…but if my reward is quiet time to myself to decompress or time spent soft talking with Izzy, where I get to hear her inner thoughts, or the things that make her laugh, or make her think, then I’m game for trying.

Why is it that we allow our society to continue the narrative that women, whether they work at home or work outside the home, they must put in a full days work and then continue working the minute they get home until they fall into bed exhausted? Why do we allow that and why do our spouses allow that and why do we continue to pass that way of thinking and living on to our daughters? And our sons for that matter. That’s another part of the mom guilt narrative Brad and I are exploring. I want Izzy and Jackson to finish growing up knowing that home is a place for everyone to pitch in and do their part and it’s also a place for everyone to sometimes put their switch to the off position and take some judgement free down time.

Izzy’s trich won last week and I helped her shave her head at her request. But Izzy won last week too when she took charge of her trich and said “it’s time to shave and start over.” Shes the strongest kid I know. I hope, no matter what her future holds, she continues to grow and fine tune that strength. Some of that strength is naturally within her, some has been instilled in her by her family, friends, doctors and teachers.

8 weeks from today, Izzy will graduate from her ABA center. She has been given the gifts of love, acceptance, strength and resilience from them, no matter what she thinks. She has been led for these months by a strong, confident, independent and amazing Clinical Director who has pushed her and shaped her into the new version of herself. Who has illustrated the way to live a good and strong life, standing up for yourself and doing things your way. And while Izzy doesn’t always like or appreciate Angela, and while it hasn’t always been easy, and while Izzy and I are both so ready to be done with ABA, we will also be forever grateful for the lessons we are learning there. We still have a lot of work to do. A lot of confidence building and strategy fine tuning. And we’re blessed we will have Angela to reach out to when times get rough, because we know they will now and again. I am thankful Izzy is surrounded by strong women who push themselves to be the best version of themselves. I pray she continues to learn to push herself out of her comfort zone, but to also know when to flip that switch to off and enjoy a moment of quiet.

I’ve wanted to write for the last couple of weeks. I’d sit down and try, but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get the words to flow. I had a lot on my mind, my anxiety was literally living in my chest and making it hard to breathe deep. I was worrying about things that hadn’t been effecting me for months. I was literally jittery. So after feeling jittery for several days, I reached out to Brad and we set a therapy appointment. He worked some magic, my chest literally feels lighter and the words are tumbling out tonight.

It’s been two months since Jackson went back to Purdue. He’s having a great semester, he’s happy at Purdue, he has in-person classes and is working hard and making memories along the way. He had his AAMB audition last week, and I spent the better part of a week panicked about what to do if he doesn’t get a spot. I have no control over the situation, and no reason to really believe that he won’t get a spot, but I definitely been holding that in my worry spot. I think my worry is driven by a couple things-he did not get a Purdue ambassador in training spot which was disappointing. And if he’s disappointed or sad or having a bad day, I feel helpless from here to make him feel better. Tonight he told me he doesn’t think he’ll know about AAMB until Band Camp, so to shelve the worry. Ok. Will do.

Izzy needs to make some decisions, some now and some soon, and I’ve held all of that in my worry spot as well. She needs to decide if she’s staying with llamas, if she wants to show rabbits still, what she should plan for for the summer and where to go to school in the Fall. I want Izzy to make these decisions herself. I want her to know I’m confident she can make a decision and I will respect her decision. And if she makes a “poor” decision I will be there to comfort her and help her. That’s what I want to do, but that’s not what I’ve been doing. I’ve been in the drivers seat. And therein lies the problem. As parents we often give our children “choices” and then proceed to sway them toward the decision we’d like them to make…the decision that will lead to safety and the most desired outcome (according to us). When our children mature, they realize we’re doing this and they rebel against it, or at a minimum it becomes ineffective. And we must find a different way to navigate our children’s choices.

That’s where Brad struck a home run tonight. I need to learn to switch myself from the worry-ridden driver, protector and decision maker to the driver of the car in the next lane over who watches them make their decision, who is a cheerleader at them making their own decisions and the comforter if their decision turns out to be a poor one. Being the cheerleader and also the comforter, is where I want to find myself…the giver of hugs, number one fan and builder of spirits. Obviously I can do this at nearly every fork in the road for Jackson, but due to age and autism and impulsivity in Izzy, I will still drive some of her decisions…or at least be the passenger in her car (with my own steering wheel and break pedal!).

This will be a hard change. But I loved the idea. And with Brad’s guidance, I know it’s somewhere I can and will find myself. I was able to pop my bubble of protection and preparation around Izzy (thanks to Brad and ABA), I can do this too. Along the way he and I will work on me telling my anxiety self that I don’t need to hold that worry. And we will broach the helpless feeling I sometimes get when I can’t help my kiddos, which returns me to the worry spot and also circles me back to a time in my life when I felt the most helpless and most alone…those three years we tried so hard, spent so much time and money and had so much heartbreak trying to have a second baby. Maybe I’ll even allow him into that secret room where I keep that helplessness and heartbreak. I’ve barely let anyone into that room-but maybe it’s time. Maybe.

Izzys trichotillomania is fierce right now. She had grown so much hair-it was 3 inches long over a majority of her head. But no longer. It’s all gone again. Except for a small patch in the front that is still long. I’m grieving her hair again. I so hoped she’d have some hair when she went back to school in the Fall. I just continue to pray, and ask you to pray as well, as I know it’s her hearts desire to have long hair again, she just can’t help herself.

So today was my first step into becoming the decision cheerleader and comforter. Jackson called and wanted to talk about his schedule for Fall 2021. He has to take a foreign language and he could try to test out of some German and probably finish that requirement in 1 semester… or he could start a new language (Russian is his choice) and take 3 semesters. I took a breath and said “I think you’ll weigh your options, search your heart, and make a good decision. Let me know what it is and I’ll support you!” He was a little shocked I think.

And Izzy…she made one of those decisions today at ABA. I asked them to help her decide on whether or not to continue with the llama club. And she made a decision very quickly and I will support her in that decision.

Huh….two wins for my cheerleader/comforter role on day one. Yay me

Yesterday was Izzys last day with therapist Extroardinare, Jasmon. Monday she starts a new therapist, and her newly defined goals. It’s something they do in ABA, rotate therapists. I now see the reasoning and need for that, but we’re gonna miss Jasmon.

Izzys first 6 mos of ABA are under her belt and she’s progressed so much. We’re looking forward to May when she will complete her program and enjoy a free summer before returning to public school in the Fall. Where she will be going is still to be determined.

Izzy started with Jasmon in September, And she has been so great for the whole family. Izzy and Jasmon started in-center, did in-home for 5 weeks and are now back in-center. Jasmon pushed Izzy like no other. She immediately identified needs and goals for Izzy and she dove right in on getting those accomplished. And the results—a daily routine, no defiance, communication, interacting successfully with others whom Izzy doesn’t like interacting with, ability to do virtual learning and virtual conversations (zoom), chores at home and the center, sleeping in her own room/bed, picking out her own clothes, showering frequently, keeping her room clean(ish), eating her breakfast downstairs, having a morning routine that gets us out the door on time(ish) and doing her schoolwork independently. All of these changes in addition to having fun while doing it. Izzy adores Jasmon.

Izzy still pulls her hair, although apparently not at the center. Which makes me happy she doesn’t pull at the center, but a little frustrated that she pulls at home/around us. And Bearbear is still very much her comfort item. And they are not going to try and “get rid” of Bearbear as a part of her program. And for that I am grateful. If we are honest with ourselves, we each have that comfort item in our own life. Mine is a teddy bear who sleeps in my bed…and also my hair. I twirl my hair when I’m anxious. No one asks me, or expects me to leave those items behind, and no one will ask that of Izzy. She will do it in her own time…if she wants to.

Our clinical director came to the house this week to review Izzys progress and upcoming program goals with Todd and I. It was so encouraging seeing the progress in her report and hearing how proud Angela is of Izzy. Hearing so many good things about her and the things she does at the center was refreshing. (We haven’t had many of those discussions in the past). Angela was practically gushing about our girl. They have her looking at clubs to join in school and ways to make some good friends once she gets back to school. They have her identify her values and her goals, and encourage her not only thinking about what she wants to do after HS, but researching those ideas. Izzy can visualize being a baker or chef, or a vet or vet tech, even a business owner some day.

Angela sees compassion in Izzy as she interacts and assists the other kids at the center (some much more impacted by their autism than she is). And she sees how Izzy learns about and accepts others who are different than herself. Izzy has a huge heart, and she loves fiercely to those whom she lets near. This week, Izzy had to come back to my office with me after ABA for a meeting I had. I asked Ashley and Tammy to go in and speak to her and let me know how Izzy reacted. My report from both of them was exciting! She talked and answered questions (without eye contact) appropriately and even wished Ashley a “good night” Major stuff.

I avoided ABA for so long. I wasn’t educated on it and what it could do for my girl. Without the push from Brad, I probably never would have actually looked into it. And without Brad and my wonderful support system I never would have enrolled her in it and dealt with those first few weeks where she was so angry, sad and scared about being there and I just wanted to tell her we’d quit. Think of the progress we would have lost had I done that.

As we travel the road of these last few months of ABA we will work hard on increasing Izzys self confidence, and furthering her strategies for those tough situations. I asked Angela what we do if she forgets those strategies and starts to revert. Her answer was simple: We work with her, and if that doesn’t help, we call Angela. How comforting it is to me that she’s there for Izzy even after we leave the program. Jasmon told us the same. What a blessing.

I have a wonderful friend who has travelled this road with us, who has been trying to get her daughter diagnosed for years, but because they were so proactive with therapies beginning at a very young age and her daughter has so many good strategies, no one would diagnose Autism. Her daughter had testing at the center last month. This week, they got the diagnosis they’ve been wanting, and not wanting, all along. I celebrated and cried with her. I know that mixed bag of feelings oh so well. I was right there in her shoes less than two years ago. But as she will now see, and I learned so quickly with the help of others (Tatia and Vicki and Jane), now they can get all the services they need.

I can’t thank our village enough these past 6 months (and ALL the months prior). I have been allowed, without judgement from my coworkers, to come to work at 9 and leave at 4 to get Izzy to and from the center. I will never be able to thank my doctors and Ali and Ashley enough for that bit of grace.

We are loved by those who celebrate the victories and encourage in the storms. Our storms are few and far between and our victories many right now. After years of struggles, we are breathing in the beauty of that statement.

I think we’ve all waited anxiously for the Christmas season this year. The lights and decorations and songs we enjoy only one season a year make our lives seem more lovely. More peaceful. Less pandemic-y. Yeah, I just made that word up. 😅 I know the holiday season can make some stressed and others lonely, and I pray for those people. But for me this year I have spent this season feeling blessed by the best.

Blessed by:

God. He has provided for us this year and lead us through the pandemic with grace and mercy.

Todd, Jackson and Isabella. I would be nothing without them. Todd has worked harder this year than maybe any year prior to provide for our family. Jackson probably lost more than any of us with the impact the pandemic has had on the end of his Senior year and the beginning of his college experience…but through it all he has stayed positive and encouraging to the rest of us. And Izzy…we joke that she’s been training for quarantine her whole life. But in all reality she lost a lot of confidence and social skills in 2020. But she’s working her tail off in ABA and it’s making a difference in her life.

Our Health, we’ve had our issues this year, but we have been safe from Covid or any other serious illness.

My job and Todd’s. Despite the pandemic, we are still employed and have remained healthy despite high levels of interaction we have with the public

My parents, Tina and Kyle. We realize even more this year how important they are to us. The Cooper family has been challenged like never before with a health crisis this year, and have loved and supported each other through it all and continue to do so into 2021.

Our friends near and far. You have given us joy and love and checked in on us as we have on you. You have helped us through the dark days and celebrated the daily victories with us.

Our pets. We lost Princess this year, she blessed us for 15 wonderful years. We lost a best friend, and we gained a crazy friend. Griffin makes us smile and laugh maybe more than any dog we’ve ever had. The cats and especially Rosebud are sources of unconditional love.

Purdue University. They made it possible for our boy to GO to college and to march in the AAMB and start finding his way in the world. Purdue did it successfully when the country thought their plans were risky and others universities didn’t even try. And for a university of 50,000+ people, that’s a major blessing and accomplishment. And while it sounds almost ridiculous, I’m so grateful for FaceTime and Snapchat as well, as they allow quick and easy communication and proof of life check ins with my boy while he’s at Purdue!

Autism Companion Services. They were opening just as we needed an ABA program for Izzy. They have helped her in ways I never knew possible and have changed and blessed our family in amazing ways. Sara, Sarah, Jasmon, Angela and Jane have set high goals that I never imagined would be reached, but they have been. She has about another 6 months in the program.

Brad Unruh. We’re “on a break” because things are going so well in our lives right now, but he got us to this point. And he’s who said “It’s time for something more for Izzy.” I will say that without him, we’d still be struggling with the emotions and anger and blow ups that were a part of our DAILY lives only 5 mos ago. It’s a blessing to know he’s there for us all should we need him. He may have blessed Izzy more so than any of us, helping her deal with big emotions and hard diagnoses.

Noblesville Schools. While we are not “in-person” with them this year, they have allowed for the opportunity for Izzy to complete 7th grade online while being full time at ABA. And they’ve made it through a semester when many thought they wouldn’t make it a week. While I don’t know where Izzy will land for 8th grade, Noblesville Schools has been nothing but wonderful to our girl and I’m proud to be a Miller Family.

Our church. For figuring out a way to allow us to worship virtually. Even though I’ve never been one for “you have to be in the building to worship” it’s nice to join in that community of faith at Bethel.

My patients at work. Nearly every one of them genuinely inquire how I am doing working during the pandemic. It hasn’t always been easy, but working with a fabulous staff and kind and caring patients has made it easier.

As we look to 2021… I pray for Izzy to find a way to lessen her trich. She doesn’t see herself as pretty because of the pulling, and that breaks my heart. I pray she maintains the tremendous strides she’s making even post ABA and can apply all of her newfound strategies as she travels her future days. I pray for a more active and interactive semester for Jackson at Purdue. I pray for continued improvement in health for Dad, and Tina and for Mom to get that new knee so she can walk as far and long as she wants. I pray for continued health for all of us and a lessening of restrictions due to covid. The vaccine is on its way and I pray that my family, friends and patients line up for that vaccine to safeguard themselves AND me.

It’s been a tough and trying year, but we’ve learned a lot about ourselves, our family and our community. Thank you God for the blessings and the lessons. Now bring on 2021 🎉🍾🥳

It’s been awhile! We’ve had a surge of Corona virus, all of us have remained healthy. We’ve gotten Jackson home for the holidays, and made it through a quiet but nice thanksgiving. We’re sitting at less than 3 weeks until Christmas and almost to the end of this really weird year. Not that 2021 is going to start off any different, but I sure hope and pray it looks worlds different this time next year.

Izzy is now doing in-home ABA with Jasmon. She will return to the center, in their new teen space, in January. I thought being home would be great because she wouldn’t have to get up as early and I could drive straight to work…but I also didn’t think about the dogs being here or the fact that I like that time in the car with her because we talk during that time.

We wanted her to start sleeping in her room so much, now she’s in her room and loves being there and is there AL THE TIME. In her bed on her phone or sleeping. She rarely comes out and when I go in she wants me to leave. I hate it.

I’ve tried to be cool about it. I let her eat up there and I come and go in very brief visits. But it makes me nervous and I reached out to her clinical director today for reassurance or help. I’m grateful I have these people in our village who I can reach out to. My first go around with a teen was easy….this one will be a bit, no a whole heck of a lot, different.

It’s been two years since Izzy started pulling. Trich has robbed her of her beautiful hair and I still mourn that on occasion. Izzy tells me she hated her hair and the curls she had and I often wonder if that’s true or if it’s a defense mechanism to protect herself. She talks about growing it back. Yet she still pulls, fiercely at times. Her therapists at the center want her to grow it. They are watching the pulling trying to determine if it truly is a BFRB or if it is a behavior. We have become accepting of it, and rarely draw her attention to it or question as to why she’s pulling. I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do, but it’s where we’ve landed at this point.

We drive about 42 miles a day together to and from the center. She’s opened up to me and has begun to share her taste in music with me. I was pleasantly surprised that I actually know and like some of it. It’s not dark and broody and filled with curse words like I expected. We talk about the songs and why she likes them. It’s nice to hear what interests her and why. Some mornings she practices her German she’s decided to learn through Rosetta Stone. Some mornings she sleeps. But those 36 minutes twice a day have become a time to either learn about her or pray for her.

She suddenly stopped sleeping in our room 5 nights ago. She has slept on our floor since she was 4. She decided Saturday that she wanted to sleep in Bubbys room, and so she does. It’s so weird. Just boom, I want to sleep in a bed and I want a bed that Blair can sleep with me in so I’m sleeping in Bubs bed. Dr Scott always told me she wouldn’t be sleeping in my room at 16. I never believed him. Lol 😂

I see so many changes and such growth in her. I’m so proud of her. She’s ready to go back to school, but she has to get to the point where the things she’s working so hard for at ABA are her immediate strategies when difficulties arise. It was tough for her to accept that she didn’t have a fall break, she won’t have an extended Christmas break or a spring break. Her next big challenge will be her 13 yr check up with Dr Scott. Will she do all the things without a melt down? I am anxious to find out! stay tuned! 🤪

Izzys initial ABA therapist left suddenly a few weeks ago. We were nervous and unsure. But Jane assured us it would be fine. And wow-Jane was right.

We have had two and a half weeks of stellar drop offs, good days at the center and pick ups full of laughter and love between her and her therapists. Nights where she talks to us or gives ideas on what we should do or watch. I see more smiles and hear more laughter than I did. And I see her and her daddy conversing. We get hugs, and so do others in her inner circle. On days when she has to go back to the office with me for a meeting or late scheduled patients, she talks to my coworkers (usually without eye contact and usually very softly…but she talks!).

They are pushing independence. “Why does mom pack your bag, carry your bag, put your shoes on you, you need to do those things.”

“I don’t ask her to do those things, she just does them.”

“Then tell her you can do it and then do it.”

And It comes back to my session with Brad where we discussed me being the helper, not the doer. So I try to step back and encourage her instead of doing things myself and I see her trying to do those things.

They are making her state need. Instead of shutting down and grunting, we say “I can help you if you can tell me what you need.” And I see her trying to do that. Many times stating need before I have to ask.

And down the road in her program… working on moving back to her own bedroom to sleep.

Once again, in moments of doubt, God shows me AGAIN that we’re doing the right thing for Iz. Stay the course…

We are about 6 hours away from the moment Isabella Raechelle Holt VonBlon entered the world and our lives. We knew about four months before she arrived that we were being blessed with the most selfless gift another person could give us. Their perfect baby girl. They were both the longest and the most thought provoking months of our lives. I couldn’t wait for that baby to arrive, but what if something happened and I couldn’t have the opportunity to be her momma? I didn’t know April, she was a young single-mom…fresh out of high school and a child herself who didn’t have the greatest start to her own life. But I put my faith in God and April, and oh what a story we all have written.

6/18/2007. Todd and I had completed our Foster Parent training in May 2007 and were awaiting our license so we could begin the journey of foster parenting in hopes of adopting a baby. I returned to my desk at the end of work that day and Misty, another employee at my office, and her sister April were at my desk looking at my family pictures. They asked if they could talk to me and we proceeded to go into one of the audiology rooms (room 4 for those who’ve been there) where Misty calmly said “If I knew someone who was pregnant and couldn’t keep their baby, would you and Todd be able to adopt the baby?”

Wait…What?? What did she just say? That doesn’t happen! No one walks up to you at 5pm on a weekday at your work and asks you to adopt their unborn niece! I think my exact words were “I assume you’re talking about April?” And April awkwardly smiled and held her belly where Izzy was growing. I told them I needed to talk to Todd and that I’d let them know ASAP. How weird is that statement? “Yeah-I’m not sure, but don’t give that baby to anyone else until I talk to my husband…..” lol

I went back to my desk and immediately burst into tears. My boss was still there and I told her what had just happened. I remember her “warning” me that it would be a close relationship (meaning the babys aunt would be someone I saw daily) and to really think things through. I ran to my car and called Todd…sobbing as I told him. Rightfully so, he was both elated and shocked! He said he would head home and we’d talk. I called my mom in tears still and told her! Again, elation and shock! And then I called my sisters best friend, Lisa, who had three bio and two adopted babies herself and I told her what had just happened and that I didn’t know what to do. And I will never forget her response:

“Kira. You’ve been trying to have a baby for 3 years. God just laid a baby into your hands. You say yes and you adopt that baby. If it doesn’t work out, we adjust and move forward.”

Her statement seemed so simple. Why hadn’t I thought of that? And in that moment, I knew that April was carrying my new child. I couldn’t get Misty and April on the phone fast enough. “Don’t give my baby away!” From that moment throughout the next 4 months, I never doubted April.

At the ultrasound a week later (6/25/2007), we saw that beautiful baby, and when the doctor said “it’s a girl” I think we all sighed a big sigh of relief. April already had a daughter, she wouldn’t be tempted to keep the baby because it was the opposite sex of what she already had. And we already had a son, and would be beyond thrilled to fill our home with the things little girls need and love. April gave me those ultrasound pictures that day. My first pictures of my new baby girl.

We met several times between then and when Izzy was born. We got to know each other a little. April asked questions, I asked questions. We invited her into our home to meet Jackson and see what would be the nursery. I learned how to text. My very first text ever was sent to April-and it was more of a letter than a short text.

I remember April telling me that this baby girl was coming from a long line of very hot tempered women (I’ve learned that’s no joke!). And I heard her tell people that she was just renting out her womb for a family who couldn’t have another baby. I know she was nervous and sad. But I hope she was also content and settled about her decision. I told her over and again that this baby would be loved like no other baby ever was. Todd and I had a heck of a time choosing a perfect name for this miracle baby. I loved Maleiah and Kylie; he liked boring, ugly names. We were driving somewhere one day and I said “how about Isabella?” And Todd responded “can I call her Izzy?” And we had named our baby girl. (Funny story-when we told my Grandma Donnie we had chosen Isabella as her name, Grandma quickly replied “well for Gods sake don’t call her Izzy-it rhymes with dizzy!”)

We were going to use the middle name of Grace. Isabella Grace. How perfect. And then we had an epiphany…Let’s see if April wants to give Isabella her middle name. And she did. Raechelle. Which is also April’s middle name. So she would be called Isabella Raechelle VonBlon.

We were able to secure our documents from the foster parent organization, and we signed on a wonderful attorney. And they led us through the legalities of adoption. As we travelled through the early fall days, it became apparent that Izzy wasn’t going to make her arrival in September as I had hoped, and then we prayed that she wouldn’t make her arrival on Jackson’s 6th birthday, and she didn’t. 13 years ago this afternoon, April and Misty let me know that she was headed to the hospital and then they let me know it was time for Todd and I to head that way too.

We put our plan into action. Tina came to stay with Jackson and Todd and I went to wait. I spent my time with Todd in the waiting room, and with April and Misty and Tyler and Jhordan in the delivery room. We had made a plan that when it was time for April to push, I would leave and go wait with Todd. And April, and her crew and Jhordan would be able to have some time with Isabella before we met her.

When Misty came and got us, we walked into that delivery room to the most beautiful sight of April holding our Isabella Raechelle. And when she put her into my arms, all I could think was “Thank you God, and April, for this gift of a perfect and beautiful Angel to complete my family and heal my heart.” Those words have never left my heart. I say them every day.

Isabella had April’s nose. That might have been the first thing I said out loud! It was well after 2am when we left the hospital to come home. And I got up and returned to the hospital at 6am. The only time I worried about whether I’d be bringing Izzy home was those 4 sleepless hours. The hospital was wonderful. They knew who I was, they let me sit with Izzy in the nursery the entire day of 10/10/2007. I talked to her and sang her songs. We slept and rocked the day away. And then they allowed me to have a patient room with her for the remainder of her stay in the hospital.

Todd and I had told everyone who loves us that we would let them know when Isabella arrived but none of them were to visit us while April was still in the hospital, not until she had signed the papers and said her goodbyes. Todd actually did “sneak” my best friend Stacy Peters in to surprise me that first evening. It was a wonderful surprise and so special to share Isabella and our joy with Stacy.

The morning April and Jhordan signed the paperwork, I couldn’t be on the premises. That was probably the longest morning of my life. The minute it was all signed, the advocate from our foster care/adoption company came to the house for us to sign papers and then I jetted to the hospital to be with MY girl! And I’ve always joked that when we called Mom and Dad to tell them they could come meet her, they must have been camping out in the hospital parking lot because they were in our room holding their new granddaughter within minutes. And that’s the day, 10/11/2007, when Papa gave Isabella her Bearbear. 💗

I never doubted our beautiful birth Angel, April. And though I’ve probably thanked her a mere million times in 13 years, it will never be enough. Izzy has healed my broken heart and made me believe in miracles. She has challenged me as a mom and a human, but she has also taught me so many things. How to live life and not care what others think. How to sing loud and proud and to find the rhythm in your soul and dance your dance. She has made me laugh and cry. She has made me question my sanity and bite my tongue. She has made me a mama bear and taught me to advocate for those who can’t advocate for themselves. She’s taught me that the house doesn’t have to be clean and that marker on your skin or dirt under your fingernails means you’ve had a great day. She’s shown me how to love fiercely and fight for what you believe in. She has taught me the power of animal interaction and that having long and beautiful hair isn’t what makes a person beautiful. She’s shown me that adhd is a workable challenge and that autism isn’t anything to fear. She’s taught me that even on the hardest days, you will find forgiveness and peace and move on. She continues to teach me daily.

I cannot believe that out of all the deserving mamas out there, that I was chosen to be the mama of this spirited, brilliant, loving child.

Happy 13th birthday our beautiful Isabella Raechelle! You are my hero and my heart.

Today might have been the best day Izzy and I have had in months. We got out the door on time-ish. When we got to the center Izzy told me she was nervous but that she knew it would be ok because Angela would be there. Jasmon met us at the car, Izzy put her shoes on and got out of the car with a smile on her face. She gave me three wonderful hugs and walked into the center with confidence and a smile still on her face. I got in the car, closed the door and screamed “Thank You!” to God for that amazing blessing he gave us!

When I arrived at the center this afternoon she came out with her three therapists smiling and joking and they all 4 reported a fantastic day! As they walked back in the building she quietly said “I have a whole team for me” Yes kiddo, you do. And it’s bigger than you’d ever imagine!

She talked to me the whole way home…what?!? She took care of the dog chores, scared away the toad for me, and ate her dinner! She asked me if I’d like to watch The Masked Singer with her and we did that together with no phones!

She got us snacks and made Griffin and Rosebud peanut butter kongs and she sat back down with me and said “Mama, this has been just a great night.”

Yes, kiddo, it’s been perfect.

I don’t expect every day and night to be this wonderful. But boy was it incredible tonight…. I’m so proud of my girl. She’s working hard, fighting hard and making so much progress.

It’s been a crazy two weeks. And I see proof of that in the huge bald spot on the top of Izzys head. She was pulling so fiercely at one point that her scalp was swollen. So fiercely that it was causing me anxiety and I wanted to lash out and grab her hands and tell her she had to stop before I lost my mind! I didn’t do that, btw, but I was oh so close.

We had to put our beautiful Princess down on Sept 8th as she was no longer able to get up or walk. She was 15yrs old and gave us a lifetime of unconditional love and beauty. I was so sad that Jackson wasn’t going to be able to be there, but he called us on FaceTime and was with us for her final 30 minutes. She was his 4th birthday present…his ever faithful friend.

Then Wednesday September 9th my mom called saying dad was in an emergency surgery for a large bleeding ulcer and it was touch and go. He made it through and is now home, after 10 days in the hospital. We are thanking God he is still with us.

And then there’s Griffin the Husky Pup. He’s a handful. And if he weren’t so darn cute I’d kick him to the curb! But instead I’ll keep taking him to the vet to rewrap/bandage his broken foot and sore leg bc despite a cone he can still reach and chew on his bandages. Because husky….

Izzy is having some rough days at ABA. I drop her off and she is sad and doesn’t want me to go. A day like today happens where she won’t get out of the car and they all come out to try and encourage her and today one of the Behaviorists told me to step away because she’s manipulating the situation by trying to talk to me and draw it out. I was fearful they were going to grab her and carry her inside. I literally stood at the back corner of my car and prayed to God to move her feet out of the car and into the center. She stood up and quickly slipped by them to run to me and hug me with all her might. I reminded her that she’s safe and loved there and I did the right thing and walked her to the door of the center. But nearly every cell in my body wanted to jump in the car with her and take her home and just cuddle with her all day in the safety of our house. I hate seeing her like this.

Most mornings at drop off she gives me all the hugs and then asks for one more and then walks in with Sara. Some days she texts me to say she is sad, or she loves me or misses me. Most days when I pick her up, she is smiles and I get a “we had a good day” report. I am thankful for that. But I see too her desire to go back to her “normal” life. To be in school with her peers. To have friends. To have a shorter day and a day where she’s not doing uncomfortable things and working so hard on emotions. She is making progress. But to her I think it seems like she’s in a deep hole just trying to climb to the top.

Last night she and I met with Brad. she hasn’t talked to Brad since July and I know she was excited to see his face. I emailed him early in the day to see if we couldn’t have a “fun” session since things have been so hard lately. He eagerly agreed and had a plan. We used play doh to create something that represented our current life. Izzy made the logo of the ABA center because that’s her life right now. She told him that she hated it. Then she corrected to “well, I like some of it but it’s really hard.” And then she smashed her play doh creation. Mine was a to-do list. We all know they’re my jive and I have them for every aspect of my life. And Brads, glasses. He tried to tell me he’s journeyed to the land of “old” Ha!

And then he had us sculpt something to represent the next chapter of our life. Izzy quickly made a sunshine. It represented her life after ABA. She responded to both tasks so quickly. She didn’t think about it. She never said “idk” she didn’t try to get out of it. She sculpted an ABA center logo and then a sunshine. Speaks volumes to me. ABA is helping her. I know it is. But the hard is hard. And breaks my heart. A friend this evening, who met me in my tears as I arrived at work this morning, told me to pray not only that God will move Izzy feet toward our goal line with ABA, but to also protect my heart (and hers) from the hard. “The best view comes after the hardest climb”

We will do this hard. We will get through it together. And we will reach the peak and find the most beautiful view.