Tommi has officially started sharing his goods with the public!

He has a Facebook page, a website, and his first big job! 100 cake balls and 100 thumbprint cookies!

He’s strongly considering the Farmers Market next season and is making plans about what he would need to make that prospect a success!

He’s getting a logo designed, and creating a business card! And with his first big pay, he’s going to open a debit card to … get this … save some money and buy some supplies!

Facebook: Tommi Makes Goodies

Instagram: @tommimakesgoodies

Website: http://www.tommimakesgoodies.com

Excited for what could lay ahead for Tommi. And praying he doesn’t get overwhelmed. This is what he wants to study in college and then do for a living.

I think as a parent, you can always look at your kids and picture them as a little kid. You remember the sweet or funny things they said and did and wonder how it all went by so fast. But in the same moment you marvel how they have became such amazing quasi-adults. We just spent the past 28 hours with our kids on a quick trip to Cincinnati to see Jimmy Buffett and it was really enjoyable. We didn’t have a single disagreement, we laughed and joked and thoroughly enjoyed each other.

The concert could have been a disaster. If you’ve ever been to a Buffett concert, you know the “clientele” he attracts. Fun-loving, beer-loving marijuana smoking parrot heads! And a lot of them. But thanks to Tommi’s growth, we made it through pretty much unscathed.

We got there about an hour before the concert. I let Tommi and Jackson pick our real estate on the lawn, and they chose center stage about half way back. Ok, awesome. We spread our blanket and people watched. Tommi smelled his first marijuana, we laughed at the outfits and chatted. My somewhat trained baby parrot heads were excited to dance along with Fins and Volcano and Cheeseburger

By 1/2 way through the concert, Tommi was camped out in the blanket and our real estate had gone from the size of a full size blanket to a bath mat. And without verbally communicating, Todd, Jackson and myself formed a barrier around Tommi to protect him from the increasingly drunk and high idiots surrounding us.

And with one exchange of looks between Tommi and myself with about 30 mins left, I knew we needed to get Tommi out of the ever expanding crowd. And one look from me to Todd and Jackson, they knew the same and we scooped up our stuff and like salmon swimming up river, we made our way through the sea of Buffett fans to the safety of the calm concourse. How cool is it that Jackson didn’t balk at leaving, he knew what Tommi needed and helped get him to a safe space…putting Tommi’s needs ahead of his own wants.

Once in the concourse, Tommi smiled and danced and sang until the concert was over. And despite the long walk back to the car, he stayed talkative and funny. The next day he introduced us all to rolled ice cream, and absolute delight, and we spent some fun time exploring the Newport Aquarium… a highlight of the Cincinnati area.

Tommi has shown such growth of late. I say that a lot. But he changes and grows frequently and I’m starting to see some good maturation in him.

Tommi and Jackson have really bonded this summer. They have three weeks left before Jackson leaves for school again, and I’m slightly worried Tommi will be sad when he leaves this time.

My only wish at this point is that he’d go back to in-person school. Or a hybrid program. But under the advice of Tommi’s psychiatrist, we have to go at his speed. So we will.

Tommi has started a baking business via Facebook. He’s willing to make anything a customer asks for, but his speciality is key lime pie. He’s about ready to add dog treats to his menu! It’s fun and exciting and makes him some money. So if you want some yummys for you or your dog-reach out to Tommi Makes Goodies on FB Messenger and place your order!

It’s been a year since Tommi came out to us. 7/3/2021. 1 year. 365 days. 3 names. Many hours asking questions, doing research, trying to be the best ally I can be.

I remember talking to Brad on July 15, 2021 about Tommis announcement. I remember telling him I wanted to do this perfectly. And I remember him chuckling and telling me to forget that…it will never happen. Oh how right he was!

Instead of trying to be perfect, Brad recommended just being there. Acknowledging I was going to make mistakes, admitting to them as I made them and just doing my best to use preferred name and pronouns and being Tommi’s number one advocate…as I’ve done his entire life.

I remember talking about Tommi being way ahead of me on the LGBTQ+ train and me trying to jump on the train that Tommi had already boarded and was flying ahead of me on. I had to just scramble to digest all this information and then grab hold of the caboose and hang on for dear life. I knew next to nothing, but I think I knew more than Todd at that time.

I remember being amazed at how much Tommi knew about this community he was entering, and how I wasn’t sure how to tell anyone. Tommi was happy and excited. I hid my tears. Tommi was ready to reveal his true self in that time and place. I was terrified what it all meant to me. Tommi demanded respect, I tried to give that.

My biggest regret was how I told my mom, dad and sister. I didn’t do it in the way they deserved, and will forever be regretful for that. I just didn’t know how to say the words that early on. And without Brads guidance I don’t think I would have successfully told the rest of my family and would have continued to flounder when my patients asked about my daughter, Izzy.

With lots of therapy (lol) we made it through his birthday, meeting his boyfriend and writing “Tommi” on his Christmas presents.

And here we are…1 year later….

Tommi is surrounded and accepted by a large village of friends and family. I don’t know that he realizes how lucky he is. I actually believe he expects it. There is no one in his immediate circle who is unaccepting. He lives in a safe place. He is a blessed member of the LGBTQ+ community. I hope someday he realizes how blessed he is.

I have spent hours not only with Brad, but also attending PFLAG and Gender Nexus TransParent support group meetings to inform myself and become the Ally that Tommi needs and deserves. This is my role in Tommis journey-to be his Ally, Advocate and MamaBear.

Sure people mess up his pronouns. I’m probably 98% on using the right pronouns now. And until last week when I called him Izzy twice (!), we all solidly use his preferred name. I do have trouble calling him my son, or Jackson’s brother, but that will come with more time (and therapy).

We just pulled up to the party we go to annually on July 3 and Tommi said “you know what this means? It means I came out a year ago.” Oh child, I know! I will never forget.

So now we move to grieving Izzy. Something I never did. I was so frantic to get up to speed that I never mourned losing my daughter. Tommi doesn’t understand why we would need to do that. Which is why Tommi won’t be a part of this process. Brad will help us. He gave us a list of questions last month to ponder and answer. They are tough questions, reading through them the first time brought tears … Things we miss about Izzy, proud moments with Izzy, things we are willing to let go of, things we have to let go of. Todd and I worked through them and then talked through our answers together, and I think with Brads lead I can find that peace in moving on and placing Izzy in a special corner of my heart ♥️

Tommi had appt number two at the Riley Adolescent and Gender Clinic today. I think Laura (our NP) thought she walked into the wrong room with all of the interaction and good news Tommi had to share with her. It was noted his depression and anxiety was much less today and with the second Depo shot he should see less break through bleeding and that will make life even better. I was so happy sitting by him in clinic today. He was cheery and confident and proud to share his growth with Laura. And he didn’t flinch at the shot, even though I know it hurt. We celebrated with a trip to Kung Fu Tea for a Oreo Wow Boba Tea…his new obsession.

I have a binder I take to all of Tommis medical appointments and so I had it with us today. It has all of our treatment options and decisions for Tommi written in it beginning with his ADHD diagnosis of April 2012. When we got home he asked if he could look through it and then spent the next hour pouring over my notes and the medicines he’s been on and the efforts so many have made in his young life to make things better for him. Maybe for the first time ever, he got a glimpse of understanding at what his village has done/is doing for him. There are my notes, as well as notes from Scott, Jodi (early counselor), Mrs. Sellers (2nd/3rd grade), Mrs. Clarey (5th grade), and Brad. It’s chalk full of info and he loved looking through it.

AND…..Tommi finished 8th grade today! Now to a 12-week summer! As of right now, he will do 9th grade with connections academy as well. But we had a long talk this afternoon and a listing of pros and cons of online, in-person and hybrid school options and he’s seriously considering his choices. I’m praying for hybrid or in-person.

It’s been a lovely day with this kiddo.

We are in a season of change in the VonBlon household. So many changes coming in the coming weeks that if I sit down and think about it all, my head starts to spin. Normally in times of transition, Tommi is reactive. He’s anxious and mean and you can set him off at the tip of a hat. But he’s been, for the most part, the picture of emotional calm this past month.

He started a mood stabilizer medicine 5 weeks ago. It’s made a vast difference in his anger and annoyance. But he’s remained anxious at times. To the point that he has realized he may want to take some anxiety meds again. So today at his psychiatry appointment, he told her everything that’s been going on, better mood and better sleep, asked her about his dental trauma and then asked Dr Kledzik for anxiety meds. she was blown away by his amount of talking and the info he gave her! He even asked to talk to Brad this week about a concern he had.

Jackson returns home this weekend, that is always a rough transition for Tommi. He’s been talking about J coming home, so hopefully this transition goes easier for Tommi. J is such a presence, not in a bad way at all, but our dynamic changes when he’s home and change is tough when you’re autistic, anxious and routine based.

And Tommi has been really talking about and asking questions about college and apartment living and jobs. We had a real conversation about culinary school. About him wanting to go somewhere with a campus. I REPEAT….Tommi is talking about moving out of my house sometime in the future!

And last night, Todd and I went to the Kenny Chesney concert and Tommi didn’t initiate a text to me at all. He wasn’t upset when we left, he told us to have fun and waited up for us to “make sure we got home ok and that we had a good time.”

I’m so impressed with this kiddo recently. Taking charge of his schoolwork, being so considerate, being helpful with the dogs, the cats, the laundry and cooking, and being my “coach” as I change my nutrition and fitness habits. Now if I could just get him to clean!

It’s been nearly two weeks since Tommi went to see Dr Scott to discuss many issues. We spent 40 mins with him and came away with encouragement, truth and drugs.

In the last 2 weeks I’ve seen a lot of pacing, a lot of anxiety that fades quickly, a much more routine bedtime and a kid who is taking medicine without fighting. A kid who is realizing meds will help. A kid who seems to realize anxiety causes all sorts of physical reactions such as breathing issues, tinnitus, sweaty hands and clicking jaws among other things. I’ve witnessed much more calm, many more smiles, and hugs. Lots of hugs.

I’ve also witnessed a kid with Gender dysphoria who is once again suffering through a long and arduous period. We were in hopes he would have a lighter period or no period this first cycle after getting the depo shot. No luck. It came late but it’s been heavy and it’s caused anger and panic and I think his hormones are flying around his body at the speed of light.

We have house guests this week. Lilo (dog), Otis and Chicken Joe (ducks). Tommi loves animals, and I’ve always wanted a duck. We put the ducks in my bathroom so that we could interact with them more. Within hours, he was not so in love with the ducks. Ducks have a certain smell. And right now while Tommis senses are SO VERY HEIGHTENED the smell was literally killing Tommi. So we had to move the ducks to the garage (that was a good move, believe me. This mama, who has always wanted a duck of her own, has realized ducks are smelly and messy and they don’t want me to hold/snuggle them and my life is easier just being Mama V to Otis and Chicken Joe.

And the grief. One of my favorite humans passed away 4/6/22. It was sudden and unexpected for me. And it completely devastated me. I had a trip to see her planned for early May. I couldn’t wait to hug her and spend time soaking in her love. But I didn’t make it. Tommi was by my side when mom and dad delivered the news. And as I completely lost my mind and sobbed into my moms chest, Tommi gathered himself and became my caregiver. He got me tissue, ice water, hugged me and sat in quiet with me for the evening. He as been so caring and loving and genuine with me since Wednesday. And then I got sick and he has been so gracious and helpful. This is a new side of Tommi.

And…Tommi thinks about the future! A new and profound discovery! He has mentioned to me several times of late that he’s concerned when he moves out that he won’t be economically stable enough to pay bills. And how he’d like to keep ordering hello fresh because it’s a helpful way to cook for himself because he won’t know how to go to the grocery. And he’s asked about credit and debit and how much apartments cost. and every time he says something along those lines I celebrate because I never imagined he’d be having any of those thoughts!

So on the whole, drugs have been helpful. Ducks are no longer on the bucket list, periods suck and grief holds on strong….

We are used to talking to Brad every other week. Because of life, we hadn’t talked to him in a month. It was a month of ups and downs with Tommi…everything in my last blog post, and then some. A month where Todd and I grew closer, then in the span of about 10 minutes two Saturdays ago, we effectively forgot every therapy gain and coping strategy we’d found and fell back into our old ways. I was so angry with Todd again, turned major mama bear toward him again and withdrew far into my shell again. I knew I was doing it. But it felt like home. Returning to my natural reaction. And I stayed there for several days. I reached out to Brad on the following Tuesday and told him I was drowning in all things Tommi and I was mad at Todd and just needed to decompress with him. I felt moments away from panic.

As any good couples therapist would do, he wrote me back and told me to go home and talk to Todd. To be honest and raw and real. If that didn’t save me from drowning or start to re-break the ice, and if Todd agreed to me talking to Brad alone, he would be there to help me.

Note to self: Remember to try to turn to Todd in the hard…even if the hard is anger at Todd.

Talking=communication

Communication =understanding

Understanding =growth

So this past Tuesday night we met with Brad for the first time since this implosion and our loss of therapy gains; we spent the entire hour going over what happened, how we reacted, where our breakdown in communication happened, what we now saw in hindsight and then Brad had us re-enter the situation in our minds and walk and talk through the encounter in more productive and less volatile ways. Rewriting the narrative. So next time (and we know there will be a next time), we can try to pause in that moment, think for a second and maybe make some better decisions. Or we know how to navigate that revisit after the fact and rewrite how we should have reacted and in turn learn more strategies to use. It was a really effective tool to see the situation through each other’s eyes as well as to see how our responses led us down the path we followed; to get the understanding, to replay and restructure the whole thing with Brads guidance. Identifying how we can work to better our responses next time and that this, like everything else, is a marathon not a sprint in making forward progress.

Brad made an important observation very quickly during our session. Todd and I were both using “we” which is a word we hadn’t been using in therapy for the past 4 months, or in life for a good long time. We are parenting Tommi together more than we ever have. We are becoming a team again. It’s been a long-ass time since we were a team. And Brad assured us that as Tommi sees us parenting together and being more kind and helpful to each other, it will throw him off balance and be a powerful temperature regulator in the house. I’m holding you to that Bradley Unruh!

The best words Brad gave me this session were “you guys don’t have to knock this thing out of the park alone. Because you have a partner who is willing to do something courageous…for you. To try to show your partner appreciation when in your mind you’re pissed off at them; To try to slow down for your partner when in your mind you’re racing 100mph…Those are the things that require courage and transparency and empathy. Having a perfect scenario where no one experiences anything bad doesn’t require courage. Showing/practicing courage is hard and when you are being courageous for each other, it’s also showing each other that I’m doing this thing for you-you’re important to me.”

But the best part of everything we said in therapy Tuesday night came with 5 minutes left in our session when Todd, who has said numerous times (in no uncertain words) that he does not want to be doing therapy, said “…I didn’t want to do this [counseling] but I am so thankful that I did.” And I have that on tape!

Thank you, Bud, for agreeing to do therapy with me. It means the world to me that you will put in the time and the work for us…in and out of therapy. Thank you Brad for leading us through the hard; and encouraging, laughing and loving us along the way.

Onward and upward….

Tommi is miserable. Grumpy. Tired and depressed. Complaining about everything. A black cloud ready to strike anyone down with its thunder and lightning.

Therefore I am sometimes miserable. Grumpier than normal. Exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally. A grey cloud on the brink of releasing its raindrops at any moment.

And Todd is frustrated, tired and thirsty for a better relationship with Tommi. He’s protective of me. He’s tired of the fight. He’s also a grey cloud, but can turn into a storm cloud without warning.

It’s life. Our life. Raising an autistic, transgender, anxious, depressed teenager whose headphones no longer work properly and who is having to change to new ones; whose clothes literally don’t feel comfortable anymore; who can’t deal with multiple people talking to him or multiple stimuli occurring simultaneously. On the daily, his teeth hurt, or he has a stuffy nose, or his snot is green, or he can’t chew bc he felt a pain in his jaw, or he thinks he forgot how to swallow or a host of other issues. He lives in fear of going to the dentist and he can’t participate in the zoom meetings for school because he can’t read people or stay attentive to people on a screen…luckily he doesn’t HAVE to attend them. He just got used to having his Bubby home for spring break and now has to get used to him being gone again.

I wish I had a magic pill that could take all the anxiety and sensory overload away from him in times like these. I wish I didn’t get that feeling of impending doom when I see the angst building or get anywhere from 5-25 texts in a row while I’m trying to work. I wish he could see, really see, how hard I’m trying to do the right things by him. I know I’m a good mom. I know I’m doing my best. And it’s taken a lot of encouragement from Todd and Brad for me to say that. I’m fighting the fight daily—winning some battles and losing others. And even though the devil tells me I’m alone in this battle, I know I’m not. I do know that the devil works overtime in Tommi, I can’t even begin to imagine the clutter in his brain. How it all swirls together up there like a tornado and spins him out of control at times. I told him that I think it’s time to try some meds again. To take the edge off of his anxiety and depression. He doesn’t really agree, but we’ll see what the psychiatrist says.

The good news this week….the Depo shot must be working-no period this month to date. And we have seen some smiles and laughter shining through, especially for his Bubby.

You all know how much I love our therapist. There’s a trust and safety there that I didn’t even know I needed until we found him. He doesn’t judge, he doesn’t condemn…he looks at my life as an individual, as a wife and as a mom in a different way and leads me in safe and positive directions. He does that for each of us. He has now known us for 3+ years and can and will call us out on our bullshit, be objective, think outside the box and knows how to listen and how to talk in ways that just work for each of the 4 of us individually. Todd and I handed him our greatest frustrations of the last two weeks and he guided us into a safe space (literally and figuratively) that we can now return to and speak truths in. He told us to return to that safe space and to find our basement emotions where we can connect to each other emotionally before moving up into the details of what we need to work on and through. He taught us that “Emotions have a short shelf life” and to go with the emotion instead of veering off into the abyss and letting the emotion disappear from the room.

He knows and loves our children. He knows the peace and great joy that jackson can bring as well as the bonehead moves he can make. He knows the extreme challenges Tommi presents, but also sees AND experiences the epic love Tommi puts forward. He knows our strengths and our struggles.

This session he spoke to my overwhelming sense of failure, Todd’s practice of self sacrifice leading to grief and Tommi’s frustrating and frequent self sabotage. He reminded us that in moments when these three intense emotions share space that things will get “all fucked up.”

He introduces us to “calm and confident” and the analogy of Tommi as the aggressive, unpredictable out of control dog who needs calm and confidence from his parents to become rational, or even keeled. He likens Tommi’s anxiety to Tommi treading water while the Jaws theme song is playing…thinking or knowing “something’s in the water about to get him” and being terrified of whatever that thing is. He reminds us that when Tommi is mean, that he’s often scared.

He knows our natural tendencies to withdraw or joke in discomfort. He can read a facial expression (and sometimes maybe even read my mind) from 150 miles away on a computer screen!

He challenges us to do the hard work, return to the safe space, push each other out of our comfort zones, respect each other and COMMUNICATE because those are the ways we will find each other again and strengthen our relationship. That relationships are messy, but worth it so that you can walk into the next battle hand in hand and come out on the other side still holding hands.

I thank God for bringing us Brad; I thank Brad for bringing us hope.

Well, we fell hard and fast into that valley I alluded to in my last blog. I’m mentally and emotionally spent after the past week and a half. Autism sucks. Anxiety sucks. Sensory issues suck. While I’m at it, trich sucks. I have stepped back into diffuser mode; diffuse the anger before it gets too big if I can. 

Tommi started taking a period blocker pill 3 weeks ago. 10 days ago, Tommis period started. Tommi was furious-he was taking the pill everyday-why did his period start again? I guess we all failed to inform Tommi that it takes your body a while to stop having a period. Waiting wasn’t in Tommis plan. And if Tommis plan doesn’t go according to his wishes, well, things get rough.

Tommi likes to wear boys boxer briefs….they don’t work well with pads. He screamed that none of his underwear fit! None of his pants fit! Pads and periods are evil! And he had the cramps so bad he was down for a day. I totally get all of that! Until I had jackson I had cramps every month that took me down for at least a day. But what I didn’t have was gender dysphoria… and I know that the period is a huge part of the dysphoria.

So for the last 10 days I feel like I’ve been walking on egg shells, not knowing if fun, nice Tommi or rip my head off Tommi was going to greet me at the door. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had a significant amount of fun, nice Tommi over the past 10 days….but rip my head off Tommi has been popping up all over the place at the drop of a hat.

Tommi’s sensory issues never go away, but they are extremely heightened right now. Tommi can tell me that, but can’t tell me why. I think it all goes back to the period. Anger that it isn’t gone, Clothes that don’t feel right, pads that are bulky and move around and the underwear that he doesn’t like (and there’s no way in heaven or hell I’m gonna try and teach him to wear a tampon…that’s the stuff of nightmares. I bought him new period underwear, he hated the feel of it. I bought different pads, they were the worst ever. The feeling of a period, the hormones of a period, the cramps of a period. It’s all so much. And on top of all that, Tommis headphones he’s worn for 3 years have stopped working, so we’re trying to navigate new headphones. Sounds easy, right? But new headphones fit different and sound different and it’s caused a lot of late night anxiety and tears. All of this has combined to cause this irrational anger.

Most nights for the past two weeks, I’ve come home to an upset teenager. Either crying or yelling. A child who says he’s not yelling at me and who maybe isn’t in his head, but whose tone and volume of voice would convince one otherwise. He is confident I know nothing and my ideas to help him are never good. Forget Todd offering a solution-Tommi will have none of that crazy talk. Friends tell me it’s like this at their house too, that teenagers just naturally suck. But I guarantee you an autistic, anxious, transgender teenager sucks extra.

Tommi almost always struggles getting out of the house. Whether we give him 30 days notice or 30 minutes notice, we always get to “we’re leaving in x number of minutes, are you gonna be ready?” And World War 3 breaks out. There’s screaming, door slamming, insults, and blame. There’s “just go without me” and “I was getting ready” and “whatever.” There’s drama beyond drama and it is downright awful. We had that every day this weekend.

I try to stay cool and not implode right along side of him, and am usually successful for awhile until he continues to dig and dig and say hurtful things and I get anxious and frustrated and BOOM 💥 I lose it. And we say things that are hurtful and unkind. And in the aftermath there is shame and guilt and fatigue and sadness. and it sucks. I usually repair with Tommi quickly, but that’s even been a struggle. So I have spent some time today relistening to a couple therapy sessions I have had with Brad. Looking for the words I need to help me navigate.

So all of that to say, we’re in a valley and trying to climb back out. The therapy Todd and I have been doing has helped me reach out for Todd’s help, but even together we have no good answers. By Gods grace, we will get there, to the top of the mountain again, and we will enjoy every minute of being there because we never know how long the stop over will be.