I recently read the book Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté. It’s a book about ADD, the origins and healing of it specifically. It hits hard if you’re reading it as a parent of a child with ADHD and resonates if you’re married to someone with ADHD.

Having become Tommi’s mom when he was only 20 minutes old, the me of back then never realized that Tommi would have adoption trauma. He was only 20minutes old-how could that be traumatic? Having watched ADHD present itself in Tommi in his 3-4yr old self, the me of back then never realized my own trauma-suffering self could have had anything to do with the development of Tommis ADHD. But at about 10 pages into this book, Gabor Maté told me that removing Tommi from his birth mother in those first precious moments after birth threw a wrench into his developing neurons… the ones tuned into the voice and smell of his birthmom. And a few pages after that, Gabor Maté told me that my own depression and anxieties and sadness I was carrying over my miscarriages had a negative impact on the motor neurons that were developing in Tommi and despite me smiling and singing and laughing to Tommi, his little self knew it wasn’t 100% genuine. He could feel the sadness I had and it impacted him. And all of that helped to cause the ADHD that would present itself in only a few short years.

Bam. It was like I walked straight into a wall. I had always blamed Tommis genetics on the ADHD. Now I was being blamed for some of it myself. If Gabor Maté had been in the room with me I surely would have shared a few choice words with him.

I stuck with the book probably only because Brad suggested it. And ultimately I’m glad I did. The stories the author shared of his own life and his family’s life was a path I knew well from parenting Tommi. The teenage years he described validated and taught me some lessons. And led me to validating a few current things with Tommi.

But it also hurt deep and I had big emotions at the end of the book. So I brought it to Brad to navigate. And it was another healing conversation

“You two met in the middle of massive trauma. But look at this tho….

Look at how the two of you attached to each other-in the middle of an attachment desert your process and Tommi’s process at the time would have been extremely difficult to facilitate anything healthy, anything secure out of that because of how much trauma was happening all around you. Yet you two have this really special thing…

It’s problematic sometimes.

It’s stupid sometimes

But from my 6 years with you, it’s so obvious that you and Tommi have so much security. For as much security as Tommi is able to feel, he feels the maximum security with you, far more than with any other person. And that’s no small feat when you understand what both of you had to fight through to make that happen.

It’s not just Kira showing up over the years. It’s also Tommi taking risks and letting himself feel safe. A lot of kids in the adoptee story are really reactive to their adoptive family. They don’t have security and closure like Tommi does.

You two are successful. You fight hard for each other it’s very admirable. You’d probably be surprised how many people find sheer beauty in your story”

I took some parts of this book, that didn’t always paint an adoptive mom in the throws of her own pain in a very good light, and I discussed them with Tommi and Tommi said “it’s ok mom. You’re the best mama for me”

And Brad reminds me that “acknowledging and apologizing to tommi, saying that you had a part in Tommi’s trauma, that your own trauma influenced his, and having Tommi then say to you ‘you’re the best mama I could have had. April is not my mom. You are. And that makes me loved and happy’ Kira, that’s amazing and that’s healing if you let it be. And it’s beautiful. And it’s YOUR story. You made mistakes, every parent does. But you made Tommi yours and you even forget at times that he’s adopted. That is what I love most about your story”

🩷