20 years ago this weekend we had our first miscarriage. This is probably the first time in nearly that long that I used the words we and our and truly mean them. I never categorized the miscarriages as trauma. And the first time Brad did I thought he was crazy. And when he gave me the definition of trauma, I realized he might be right (he is a mental health professional after all), but I wouldn’t commit to using that word to describe what I went through. That was a word for someone who had been sexually violated, someone who saw the horrors of war or physical violence, not me who just experienced the heartache of miscarriage.

noun

1. 1. a deeply distressing or disturbingexperience.”a personal trauma like the death of a child”

I’ve been working since February 1, 2024 to reprocess the 7 miscarriages we endured as well as the 20 years of life since then. And yes, I now say I went through 3 years of trauma. Followed by adoption trauma and the trauma of being a mom of a child with significant neurodivergence. I used to think that God gave us the gift of Brad for Tommi. Now I know that God gave us the gift of Brad for Tommi, but also to heal my heart, Todd’s heart and our marriage.

Brad has led me through the vast pain and anger and the feelings of failure and regret. He has urged me to name every part, every feeling and to then work with that part to process it and see where it left me. It’s been terribly difficult work, but in May when my mind, heart and spirit felt healthier than they have in 20 years it all seemed worth the tears, anxiety, nightmares, panic and heartache of the reprocessing journey. I don’t think I could have done it with anyone other than Brad. So thanks, God, for bringing him into our lives.

While I was more than willing to give myself an A+ and move on to other topics, Brad held strong to the absolute truth that while I did this for me…I also did this for Todd and our marriage.

And now, after talking through every ending I could imagine in order to make my planner feel prepared (she’s a strong and persistent part of me), we have brought Todd into that reprocessing. And in a slow, gentle and deliberate manner we are going through it all again. Step by step, with Brad highlighting the relational dynamics and the words we are using so we don’t miss the things that sometimes get lost in translation. And I am shockingly finding memories and putting words to feelings and parts that I didn’t process the first time around (Brad didn’t warn me that could happen now that Todd is present in the reprocessing sessions and it kind of surprised me today when it happened for the first time); but I feel and see a softness in Todd that I haven’t seen or felt in so long. And that’s making it easier to let him into my trauma and to see my parts as they struggle and open up. For Todd, he is being allowed onto the island I created for myself. The place where I could escape and feel safe during the last 20years. We are just on the sands at the edge of my island… just starting this journey….but with our stellar guide, I think we’re gonna make through all of this together this time.

When I started this process in February, I thought I was going to work through my trauma and leave it behind me. I was super distressed when Brad told me that wasn’t the case. I remember asking him why I was doing this then….to which he replied so you can carry it instead of dragging it through the rest of your life; Because sometimes facing a burden together can mend two broken hearts in the end.