It’s been a year since Tommi came out to us. 7/3/2021. 1 year. 365 days. 3 names. Many hours asking questions, doing research, trying to be the best ally I can be.

I remember talking to Brad on July 15, 2021 about Tommis announcement. I remember telling him I wanted to do this perfectly. And I remember him chuckling and telling me to forget that…it will never happen. Oh how right he was!

Instead of trying to be perfect, Brad recommended just being there. Acknowledging I was going to make mistakes, admitting to them as I made them and just doing my best to use preferred name and pronouns and being Tommi’s number one advocate…as I’ve done his entire life.

I remember talking about Tommi being way ahead of me on the LGBTQ+ train and me trying to jump on the train that Tommi had already boarded and was flying ahead of me on. I had to just scramble to digest all this information and then grab hold of the caboose and hang on for dear life. I knew next to nothing, but I think I knew more than Todd at that time.

I remember being amazed at how much Tommi knew about this community he was entering, and how I wasn’t sure how to tell anyone. Tommi was happy and excited. I hid my tears. Tommi was ready to reveal his true self in that time and place. I was terrified what it all meant to me. Tommi demanded respect, I tried to give that.

My biggest regret was how I told my mom, dad and sister. I didn’t do it in the way they deserved, and will forever be regretful for that. I just didn’t know how to say the words that early on. And without Brads guidance I don’t think I would have successfully told the rest of my family and would have continued to flounder when my patients asked about my daughter, Izzy.

With lots of therapy (lol) we made it through his birthday, meeting his boyfriend and writing “Tommi” on his Christmas presents.

And here we are…1 year later….

Tommi is surrounded and accepted by a large village of friends and family. I don’t know that he realizes how lucky he is. I actually believe he expects it. There is no one in his immediate circle who is unaccepting. He lives in a safe place. He is a blessed member of the LGBTQ+ community. I hope someday he realizes how blessed he is.

I have spent hours not only with Brad, but also attending PFLAG and Gender Nexus TransParent support group meetings to inform myself and become the Ally that Tommi needs and deserves. This is my role in Tommis journey-to be his Ally, Advocate and MamaBear.

Sure people mess up his pronouns. I’m probably 98% on using the right pronouns now. And until last week when I called him Izzy twice (!), we all solidly use his preferred name. I do have trouble calling him my son, or Jackson’s brother, but that will come with more time (and therapy).

We just pulled up to the party we go to annually on July 3 and Tommi said “you know what this means? It means I came out a year ago.” Oh child, I know! I will never forget.

So now we move to grieving Izzy. Something I never did. I was so frantic to get up to speed that I never mourned losing my daughter. Tommi doesn’t understand why we would need to do that. Which is why Tommi won’t be a part of this process. Brad will help us. He gave us a list of questions last month to ponder and answer. They are tough questions, reading through them the first time brought tears … Things we miss about Izzy, proud moments with Izzy, things we are willing to let go of, things we have to let go of. Todd and I worked through them and then talked through our answers together, and I think with Brads lead I can find that peace in moving on and placing Izzy in a special corner of my heart ♥️