We are used to talking to Brad every other week. Because of life, we hadn’t talked to him in a month. It was a month of ups and downs with Tommi…everything in my last blog post, and then some. A month where Todd and I grew closer, then in the span of about 10 minutes two Saturdays ago, we effectively forgot every therapy gain and coping strategy we’d found and fell back into our old ways. I was so angry with Todd again, turned major mama bear toward him again and withdrew far into my shell again. I knew I was doing it. But it felt like home. Returning to my natural reaction. And I stayed there for several days. I reached out to Brad on the following Tuesday and told him I was drowning in all things Tommi and I was mad at Todd and just needed to decompress with him. I felt moments away from panic.

As any good couples therapist would do, he wrote me back and told me to go home and talk to Todd. To be honest and raw and real. If that didn’t save me from drowning or start to re-break the ice, and if Todd agreed to me talking to Brad alone, he would be there to help me.

Note to self: Remember to try to turn to Todd in the hard…even if the hard is anger at Todd.

Talking=communication

Communication =understanding

Understanding =growth

So this past Tuesday night we met with Brad for the first time since this implosion and our loss of therapy gains; we spent the entire hour going over what happened, how we reacted, where our breakdown in communication happened, what we now saw in hindsight and then Brad had us re-enter the situation in our minds and walk and talk through the encounter in more productive and less volatile ways. Rewriting the narrative. So next time (and we know there will be a next time), we can try to pause in that moment, think for a second and maybe make some better decisions. Or we know how to navigate that revisit after the fact and rewrite how we should have reacted and in turn learn more strategies to use. It was a really effective tool to see the situation through each other’s eyes as well as to see how our responses led us down the path we followed; to get the understanding, to replay and restructure the whole thing with Brads guidance. Identifying how we can work to better our responses next time and that this, like everything else, is a marathon not a sprint in making forward progress.

Brad made an important observation very quickly during our session. Todd and I were both using “we” which is a word we hadn’t been using in therapy for the past 4 months, or in life for a good long time. We are parenting Tommi together more than we ever have. We are becoming a team again. It’s been a long-ass time since we were a team. And Brad assured us that as Tommi sees us parenting together and being more kind and helpful to each other, it will throw him off balance and be a powerful temperature regulator in the house. I’m holding you to that Bradley Unruh!

The best words Brad gave me this session were “you guys don’t have to knock this thing out of the park alone. Because you have a partner who is willing to do something courageous…for you. To try to show your partner appreciation when in your mind you’re pissed off at them; To try to slow down for your partner when in your mind you’re racing 100mph…Those are the things that require courage and transparency and empathy. Having a perfect scenario where no one experiences anything bad doesn’t require courage. Showing/practicing courage is hard and when you are being courageous for each other, it’s also showing each other that I’m doing this thing for you-you’re important to me.”

But the best part of everything we said in therapy Tuesday night came with 5 minutes left in our session when Todd, who has said numerous times (in no uncertain words) that he does not want to be doing therapy, said “…I didn’t want to do this [counseling] but I am so thankful that I did.” And I have that on tape!

Thank you, Bud, for agreeing to do therapy with me. It means the world to me that you will put in the time and the work for us…in and out of therapy. Thank you Brad for leading us through the hard; and encouraging, laughing and loving us along the way.

Onward and upward….

Tommi is miserable. Grumpy. Tired and depressed. Complaining about everything. A black cloud ready to strike anyone down with its thunder and lightning.

Therefore I am sometimes miserable. Grumpier than normal. Exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally. A grey cloud on the brink of releasing its raindrops at any moment.

And Todd is frustrated, tired and thirsty for a better relationship with Tommi. He’s protective of me. He’s tired of the fight. He’s also a grey cloud, but can turn into a storm cloud without warning.

It’s life. Our life. Raising an autistic, transgender, anxious, depressed teenager whose headphones no longer work properly and who is having to change to new ones; whose clothes literally don’t feel comfortable anymore; who can’t deal with multiple people talking to him or multiple stimuli occurring simultaneously. On the daily, his teeth hurt, or he has a stuffy nose, or his snot is green, or he can’t chew bc he felt a pain in his jaw, or he thinks he forgot how to swallow or a host of other issues. He lives in fear of going to the dentist and he can’t participate in the zoom meetings for school because he can’t read people or stay attentive to people on a screen…luckily he doesn’t HAVE to attend them. He just got used to having his Bubby home for spring break and now has to get used to him being gone again.

I wish I had a magic pill that could take all the anxiety and sensory overload away from him in times like these. I wish I didn’t get that feeling of impending doom when I see the angst building or get anywhere from 5-25 texts in a row while I’m trying to work. I wish he could see, really see, how hard I’m trying to do the right things by him. I know I’m a good mom. I know I’m doing my best. And it’s taken a lot of encouragement from Todd and Brad for me to say that. I’m fighting the fight daily—winning some battles and losing others. And even though the devil tells me I’m alone in this battle, I know I’m not. I do know that the devil works overtime in Tommi, I can’t even begin to imagine the clutter in his brain. How it all swirls together up there like a tornado and spins him out of control at times. I told him that I think it’s time to try some meds again. To take the edge off of his anxiety and depression. He doesn’t really agree, but we’ll see what the psychiatrist says.

The good news this week….the Depo shot must be working-no period this month to date. And we have seen some smiles and laughter shining through, especially for his Bubby.