Well, we fell hard and fast into that valley I alluded to in my last blog. I’m mentally and emotionally spent after the past week and a half. Autism sucks. Anxiety sucks. Sensory issues suck. While I’m at it, trich sucks. I have stepped back into diffuser mode; diffuse the anger before it gets too big if I can. 

Tommi started taking a period blocker pill 3 weeks ago. 10 days ago, Tommis period started. Tommi was furious-he was taking the pill everyday-why did his period start again? I guess we all failed to inform Tommi that it takes your body a while to stop having a period. Waiting wasn’t in Tommis plan. And if Tommis plan doesn’t go according to his wishes, well, things get rough.

Tommi likes to wear boys boxer briefs….they don’t work well with pads. He screamed that none of his underwear fit! None of his pants fit! Pads and periods are evil! And he had the cramps so bad he was down for a day. I totally get all of that! Until I had jackson I had cramps every month that took me down for at least a day. But what I didn’t have was gender dysphoria… and I know that the period is a huge part of the dysphoria.

So for the last 10 days I feel like I’ve been walking on egg shells, not knowing if fun, nice Tommi or rip my head off Tommi was going to greet me at the door. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had a significant amount of fun, nice Tommi over the past 10 days….but rip my head off Tommi has been popping up all over the place at the drop of a hat.

Tommi’s sensory issues never go away, but they are extremely heightened right now. Tommi can tell me that, but can’t tell me why. I think it all goes back to the period. Anger that it isn’t gone, Clothes that don’t feel right, pads that are bulky and move around and the underwear that he doesn’t like (and there’s no way in heaven or hell I’m gonna try and teach him to wear a tampon…that’s the stuff of nightmares. I bought him new period underwear, he hated the feel of it. I bought different pads, they were the worst ever. The feeling of a period, the hormones of a period, the cramps of a period. It’s all so much. And on top of all that, Tommis headphones he’s worn for 3 years have stopped working, so we’re trying to navigate new headphones. Sounds easy, right? But new headphones fit different and sound different and it’s caused a lot of late night anxiety and tears. All of this has combined to cause this irrational anger.

Most nights for the past two weeks, I’ve come home to an upset teenager. Either crying or yelling. A child who says he’s not yelling at me and who maybe isn’t in his head, but whose tone and volume of voice would convince one otherwise. He is confident I know nothing and my ideas to help him are never good. Forget Todd offering a solution-Tommi will have none of that crazy talk. Friends tell me it’s like this at their house too, that teenagers just naturally suck. But I guarantee you an autistic, anxious, transgender teenager sucks extra.

Tommi almost always struggles getting out of the house. Whether we give him 30 days notice or 30 minutes notice, we always get to “we’re leaving in x number of minutes, are you gonna be ready?” And World War 3 breaks out. There’s screaming, door slamming, insults, and blame. There’s “just go without me” and “I was getting ready” and “whatever.” There’s drama beyond drama and it is downright awful. We had that every day this weekend.

I try to stay cool and not implode right along side of him, and am usually successful for awhile until he continues to dig and dig and say hurtful things and I get anxious and frustrated and BOOM 💥 I lose it. And we say things that are hurtful and unkind. And in the aftermath there is shame and guilt and fatigue and sadness. and it sucks. I usually repair with Tommi quickly, but that’s even been a struggle. So I have spent some time today relistening to a couple therapy sessions I have had with Brad. Looking for the words I need to help me navigate.

So all of that to say, we’re in a valley and trying to climb back out. The therapy Todd and I have been doing has helped me reach out for Todd’s help, but even together we have no good answers. By Gods grace, we will get there, to the top of the mountain again, and we will enjoy every minute of being there because we never know how long the stop over will be.