You all know how much I love our therapist. There’s a trust and safety there that I didn’t even know I needed until we found him. He doesn’t judge, he doesn’t condemn…he looks at my life as an individual, as a wife and as a mom in a different way and leads me in safe and positive directions. He does that for each of us. He has now known us for 3+ years and can and will call us out on our bullshit, be objective, think outside the box and knows how to listen and how to talk in ways that just work for each of the 4 of us individually. Todd and I handed him our greatest frustrations of the last two weeks and he guided us into a safe space (literally and figuratively) that we can now return to and speak truths in. He told us to return to that safe space and to find our basement emotions where we can connect to each other emotionally before moving up into the details of what we need to work on and through. He taught us that “Emotions have a short shelf life” and to go with the emotion instead of veering off into the abyss and letting the emotion disappear from the room.

He knows and loves our children. He knows the peace and great joy that jackson can bring as well as the bonehead moves he can make. He knows the extreme challenges Tommi presents, but also sees AND experiences the epic love Tommi puts forward. He knows our strengths and our struggles.

This session he spoke to my overwhelming sense of failure, Todd’s practice of self sacrifice leading to grief and Tommi’s frustrating and frequent self sabotage. He reminded us that in moments when these three intense emotions share space that things will get “all fucked up.”

He introduces us to “calm and confident” and the analogy of Tommi as the aggressive, unpredictable out of control dog who needs calm and confidence from his parents to become rational, or even keeled. He likens Tommi’s anxiety to Tommi treading water while the Jaws theme song is playing…thinking or knowing “something’s in the water about to get him” and being terrified of whatever that thing is. He reminds us that when Tommi is mean, that he’s often scared.

He knows our natural tendencies to withdraw or joke in discomfort. He can read a facial expression (and sometimes maybe even read my mind) from 150 miles away on a computer screen!

He challenges us to do the hard work, return to the safe space, push each other out of our comfort zones, respect each other and COMMUNICATE because those are the ways we will find each other again and strengthen our relationship. That relationships are messy, but worth it so that you can walk into the next battle hand in hand and come out on the other side still holding hands.

I thank God for bringing us Brad; I thank Brad for bringing us hope.

Well, we fell hard and fast into that valley I alluded to in my last blog. I’m mentally and emotionally spent after the past week and a half. Autism sucks. Anxiety sucks. Sensory issues suck. While I’m at it, trich sucks. I have stepped back into diffuser mode; diffuse the anger before it gets too big if I can. 

Tommi started taking a period blocker pill 3 weeks ago. 10 days ago, Tommis period started. Tommi was furious-he was taking the pill everyday-why did his period start again? I guess we all failed to inform Tommi that it takes your body a while to stop having a period. Waiting wasn’t in Tommis plan. And if Tommis plan doesn’t go according to his wishes, well, things get rough.

Tommi likes to wear boys boxer briefs….they don’t work well with pads. He screamed that none of his underwear fit! None of his pants fit! Pads and periods are evil! And he had the cramps so bad he was down for a day. I totally get all of that! Until I had jackson I had cramps every month that took me down for at least a day. But what I didn’t have was gender dysphoria… and I know that the period is a huge part of the dysphoria.

So for the last 10 days I feel like I’ve been walking on egg shells, not knowing if fun, nice Tommi or rip my head off Tommi was going to greet me at the door. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had a significant amount of fun, nice Tommi over the past 10 days….but rip my head off Tommi has been popping up all over the place at the drop of a hat.

Tommi’s sensory issues never go away, but they are extremely heightened right now. Tommi can tell me that, but can’t tell me why. I think it all goes back to the period. Anger that it isn’t gone, Clothes that don’t feel right, pads that are bulky and move around and the underwear that he doesn’t like (and there’s no way in heaven or hell I’m gonna try and teach him to wear a tampon…that’s the stuff of nightmares. I bought him new period underwear, he hated the feel of it. I bought different pads, they were the worst ever. The feeling of a period, the hormones of a period, the cramps of a period. It’s all so much. And on top of all that, Tommis headphones he’s worn for 3 years have stopped working, so we’re trying to navigate new headphones. Sounds easy, right? But new headphones fit different and sound different and it’s caused a lot of late night anxiety and tears. All of this has combined to cause this irrational anger.

Most nights for the past two weeks, I’ve come home to an upset teenager. Either crying or yelling. A child who says he’s not yelling at me and who maybe isn’t in his head, but whose tone and volume of voice would convince one otherwise. He is confident I know nothing and my ideas to help him are never good. Forget Todd offering a solution-Tommi will have none of that crazy talk. Friends tell me it’s like this at their house too, that teenagers just naturally suck. But I guarantee you an autistic, anxious, transgender teenager sucks extra.

Tommi almost always struggles getting out of the house. Whether we give him 30 days notice or 30 minutes notice, we always get to “we’re leaving in x number of minutes, are you gonna be ready?” And World War 3 breaks out. There’s screaming, door slamming, insults, and blame. There’s “just go without me” and “I was getting ready” and “whatever.” There’s drama beyond drama and it is downright awful. We had that every day this weekend.

I try to stay cool and not implode right along side of him, and am usually successful for awhile until he continues to dig and dig and say hurtful things and I get anxious and frustrated and BOOM 💥 I lose it. And we say things that are hurtful and unkind. And in the aftermath there is shame and guilt and fatigue and sadness. and it sucks. I usually repair with Tommi quickly, but that’s even been a struggle. So I have spent some time today relistening to a couple therapy sessions I have had with Brad. Looking for the words I need to help me navigate.

So all of that to say, we’re in a valley and trying to climb back out. The therapy Todd and I have been doing has helped me reach out for Todd’s help, but even together we have no good answers. By Gods grace, we will get there, to the top of the mountain again, and we will enjoy every minute of being there because we never know how long the stop over will be.

It’s been another week plus of school, therapy, life. and right this minute, sitting at my desk watching it snow and snow, I feel so very peaceful. A strange feeling for me. Tommi is showing me he can do some schoolwork by himself….and even if his grades aren’t quite as good, he’s doing it by himself! And he is communicating with me fairly well and he is laughing more than usual. He is on a mission to beat me in a tickle fight and that just isn’t happening! He’s spent a couple recent evenings with his Dad while I’ve been out of the house and they’ve done really pretty well together. We are living in a peak this week….I breathe easy and enjoy it while it’s here because timing of the next valley is unpredictable.

Jackson is doing great at Purdue. Living his best life. He’s joined some clubs and has his interviews for RA are next Friday and Saturday. Currently living through his first real campus snow and enjoying the beauty of it.

Todd and I are on a road to better our relationship and it’s going pretty darn well. We are talking to Brad every other week and we’re jumping into some deep and unknown territories in our marriage and in ourselves. We have lots of mini date ideas ready for the grabbing and are talking more about the important stuff than we have in a long time. I see Todd working so hard. And I see changes within myself as well… I actually reached out to him this week with some pretty intense mom guilt I was feeling and he didn’t sit in it with me because I didn’t ask him to, but he did validate it and worked with me to solve it. And it felt good. I felt seen and heard and that’s a big win. I am reaching outside of my comfort zone and finding it’s not always as scary as I fear.

I have withdrawn into myself for so long it’s a safety move for me. It started with our miscarriages and just built from there. My withdrawing got worse with each miscarriage and then with each diagnosis Tommi was given and each new layer of mama bear I developed. I was mama bear-ing even with Todd. When I feel guilt or grief or anger, I withdraw. It’s easy and safe in my own space. Todd is a pursuer, but he learned over the years to not pursue me because I wouldn’t respond to that. Brad is teaching Todd to be an inviter instead. By inviting me to share, to go out on a limb, I feel the relative safety of that space and Todd can get through my internal “gatekeeper” and find gold in me giving him some access to my feelings. We’ve had some successes in this since our last therapy.

This quote below is so spot on for me. not as a mom…I can be confident and assertive as all hell as a mom…but as a human. Especially a human whose nature is to withdraw in the uncomfortable. I have been reaching beyond my comfort zone with Brad and now Todds help for several months. Some days it doesn’t feel good…some days it’s flat out terrifying…but it is getting better. I just have to remember it’s a journey, not a sprint.