We probably each have a special place that just makes you smile. Makes you relax and fills you with peace or joy, or both. I have two such places… my mom & dads house and Purdue University.

In our house, we affectionately call Purdue “Gods Country.” It’s where Todd and I met, spent years growing and learning; becoming independent and living our best lives. We made life-long friends, learned life-long lessons and found a life-long love. And now we get to watch our Jackson do the same things in his own way at Purdue. And it fills me with so much joy.

He’s only been back to school for two weeks. But it seems more like months to this mama. So today we took the opportunity to take in a Purdue Basketball game with our Boilermaker. And that 5 hour visit to Gods Country with my boys was just what my tired, recently sick soul needed. It was 5 hours where I didn’t think about Tommi, or work, or the things I needed to be doing at the house. It was 5 hours of rooting on my team, chatting with my boy and bonding with my best friend. Believe me I soaked up every second of that 5 hours!

And we will have an exciting date opportunity to report to Brad in therapy this week. He is challenging us to make time for each other. To plan mini-dates where we can intentionally spend a short time together. And in this last two weeks, we’ve had a mini-date at home over a new puzzle, breakfast at Erika’s, and our trip to and from Purdue today. We even took The Ungame with us today to make sure we talked on our drive.

The Ungame is something we’ve played with Brad to encourage sharing opinions, feelings, memories. It’s a great way to connect or have an icebreaker with people. Tommi loves it. He loves playing it with Brad and Brad often used it as bribery for getting “the good stuff” out of Tommi. And when Brad left two years ago, he gave Tommi his version of the game. I’ve actually even used it at work during a staff meeting. Good stuff.

We started talking about mom guilt and grief in our last therapy session. Why is it moms pile this huge burden on ourselves? On top of everything we do for our family, we pile this mom guilt on top believing we did “it” wrong and now we’ve caused our children to live with some horrible irrevocable damage. Todd doesn’t experience it, doesn’t even begin to get it. I wonder in families where it’s just one dad, or two dads, does one of them take on that responsibility of “mom guilt?” And I wonder if all moms experience the mom guilt and if most moms grieve as their children transition to adulthood.

In our last therapy I expressed grief over Jackson going back to school. I don’t grieve Jacksons childhood on a daily basis. Mostly on days when I miss something he gives me, a void he fills for me that Todd and Tommi do not. And I grieve him for a day or so after he heads back to college, especially when he’s been home for awhile. But I also find great joy in his successes and I love watching him discovering things about himself and his world. I have a front row seat to that, and I wouldn’t trade that view for anything. Somehow, with a lot of hard work, love and dedication, and despite my mom guilt, we raised one hell of a human. I pray we can do it again with Tommi in spite of his mental health challenges.

My early mom guilt for Jackson was based in our miscarriages. I worried that I was so wrapped up in those 7 miscarriages that I wasn’t being a good mom to Jackson. He remembers nothing of that time, and that gives me some relief of that early mom guilt. But then I had years of mom guilt that I was too wrapped up in Tommi and figuring out how to best parent him, that I put Jackson’s needs on the back burner again. Jackson, whether he ever felt that way or not, never complained and when I’ve inquired, he completely absolves me of that guilt. Did I mention how good of a human he is?

These days my mom guilt completely centers around Tommi. Tommi is one tough cookie to parent. I wouldn’t change him being mine for an instant (though some days I wonder what God was thinking when he placed Tommi in our lives). He’s so smart, so funny, so hostile, so needy and so very manipulative. He remembers the “bad stuff” and pulls it out as ammunition at the perfect time to make that mom guilt so thick and murky it’s impossible to see through it. He is uncomfortable with my grief, tears, needy moments and he turns those into more mom guilt. And then when I’m doubting myself at a level that is nearly suffocating, he flips a switch and is the kind, gentle and loving kid I adore. I am getting better at navigating the tough, murky waters with Tommi, of saying “that’s enough” or “I’m done with this conversation” or “you need to back off and give me a moment” but in the years leading up to now, I was not good at any of that. I was full of mom guilt, anxiety over a pending tantrum or a desire for peace and it led to me doing whatever made the situation better. Whatever made the angst of the moment go away. Settling or giving in or giving up in order to move forward. In order to find peace. Mom guilt is exhausting and it’s a constant thread in my mind…mom guilt that my need for peace allowed Tommi to learn manipulation and to learn to use my past words or actions against me. Mom guilt that I’ve parented him “wrong” and caused his current attitude or behavior or whatever it may be. Mom guilt is no joke.

I have a lot of work to do on this. I believe that parenting Tommi will never truly be over. Due to his mental health needs and autism he will always need us in ways Jackson will not. And we will have to find that balance. To give Tommi independence, but make sure he’s being mature enough to handle said independence. To help him when he asks and sit back when he doesn’t. To allow him to struggle, fail, get back up and try again. To be on guard of those whom he decides to befriend and make sure they have his best interests at heart. To be his cheerleader or comforter, not his decision-maker. To not let my mom guilt be my life-long companion.

Having an autistic child makes my mom guilt different from mom guilt for a neurotypical kid. Since I have one of each, I think I have the right to say that. I think it makes the mom guilt harder, thicker, deeper. If I mess something up or make a situation harder for my autistic kid, I have negatively impacted not just this moment, but every similar moment in the future until I can “undo” the “damage.” And that’s a challenge of gargantuan proportions. And it brings a lot of guilt. What I need right now is to find a way to recognize and navigate that mom guilt in a way that lets us all move forward. Where Tommi doesn’t use it against me, where Todd can recognize it and not jump in and solve it, but jump in and sit with me in it. And then together we can walk through it and manage it. Todd, myself and Tommi have a lot of work to do. With Brads help and guidance, we’ll get there.