I am weary. I am burdened. I am coming to God on my knees and asking Him to take my burden and give me rest. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding; in all your ways know him, and he will make your path straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s been a rough few days. I had the perfect storm on Thursday afternoon that landed me in a panic of nausea, heart palpitations and tinnitus as well as in a session of therapy with Brad. I cried with him for an hour-raw feelings, honest truths. He listened, validated and advised me. It’s been 4 days and I’m more peaceful, but living with held breath and a stomach of anxiety most of the time right now.

My reaction to two simultaneous situations shocked and scared me. I’ve never felt such a strong sense of overwhelming sadness and fear like that before. Brad assured me (at least 52 times) it was a normal reaction, but wow. That was intense. I talked to him while sitting on the floor of my closet behind two locked doors. I needed to find a closed in, dark, safe place…what’s safer than locked in my closet with my shoes! 😂

I am trying to be more open and less closed down when I’m uncomfortable or upset—and that’s against my nature as I don’t want confrontation. I’m trying to reach for comfort in those moments when I’m anxious or upset or angry from those who fill me with peace and love and support—and that’s against my nature as I don’t want to share my burden. I’m trying to be more in tune with Todd. I am trying to navigate Tommi’s gender, pronouns, name. I am trying to navigate giving Tommi more autonomy but knowing when to step in and how to handle his needs and expectations. Im trying to figure out the best school path for Tommi that will be acceptable to all of us. I’m trying to be there for Jackson when he wants me there but give him freedom to fly most of the time.

That’s a lot of trying. And a lot of emotions. And a lot of anxious moments and a lot of impending growth. And as Brad emphasized, with each breakthrough there will be moments of pride, moments where you want to puke, and moments when you’re so emotionally tired that you need to rest. And that resting is not avoidance of your problems. It’s a chance to recharge so you can face them more productively and successfully.

I’m also coming to learn that trauma isn’t necessarily a horrific moment of terror that changes your life in a heartbeat. It can be small moments that we don’t take the time to deal with immediately and they begin to stack on top of each other until they’re so deep that you’re treading water to stay afloat. 7 miscarriages, the decision to adopt, the adhd, the anxiety, the autism, the ocd, the transgender proclamation, the marriage on the back-burner…layer after layer of small individual traumas that I/we now have to wade through. Thank goodness for an amazing God, amazing husband, amazing family/friends and amazing Brad. We have a lot of work ahead of us.

I talked in my last blog about being available to Tommi 24/7 and how that has become a daunting task. That I need to learn to put Tommi in Todd’s hands and Todd needs to learn how to diffuse the Tommi bomb as I can. We’ve given it a try a few times in the last two weeks. Some attempts more successful than others. But I’ve also begun to make it clear that there are times I won’t bend to Tommi and times I won’t apologize. Whoo-heads are starting to spin over here! Wish us luck this Thursday as Jackson and I travel to the Music City Bowl in Nashville to root on Purdue! Team Todd and Tommi. 🖤💛🏈🚂 And my sister and brother-in-law gave us a overnight at a nearby bed and breakfast so we can get away together for a night. I’m looking forward to that with excitement and fear.

One final thought for today. I think I have been so busy trying to make sure Tommi felt supported and had the things that he needed to feel comfortable and experience less gender dysphoria and making sure every word I said was in line with showing support that I haven’t grieved fully what him being transgender really means to me. Tommi is the first to remind me that this isn’t about me…and I agree to a point…but in this I have lost the little girl that I was handed at 20minutes old, the daughter who loved to dress up in princess gowns and do make up tutorials on any victim (I mean relative) she could get to sit down, the beauty who walked down the aisle of my sisters long awaited wedding, the name we so carefully chose to be hers. That’s the part that IS about me. The part I need to grieve. I will get there, I have loads of people in my own village who will help me along the way…if I just continue to find the courage to reach out.

At the end of our last session Brad showed me several things he’d written down during our session that he wanted me to remember…. To anchor myself in. I’m trying, Brad. I’m trying. 💙