I went to the KLove Christmas concert last night with an old and a new friend. As I sat between them, feeling safe and loved, I was suddenly overcome with great sadness. I sat there listening to these wonderful praise songs and was sad because our Christmas will be so different this year. Our first Christmas with Tommi. And while yes, Tommi IS Izzy, it’s just not the same. I will write Tommi on his packages. I ordered new family name ornaments for our tree, so his will say Tommi, not Izzy, and they will all match.

I was sad because Tommi does not believe in God. Does not celebrate Christmas for the same reasons I do. He is not celebrating the birth of Jesus, he is celebrating a day when he gets presents. And while this is actually the case with a lot of children, I wish it was different for him.

I listened to the words of those songs and did a lot of praying for my kid last night. I held back tears until they tumbled over my eye lids and I handed that grief over to God. Or at least I tried. Because when it comes down to the bottom line, I am blessed. I still have my kiddo. He let us know his gender identity, he tells me his truths, he gives me the opportunity to ask questions and he feels safe and happy (usually) in our home. A lot of trans kids don’t have those same blessings and many trans parents have lost their kids to being unaccepting of their kids truth and/or their kids suicide.

I am trying hard to move forward, one foot in front of the other every day. I’m using his preferred name and pronouns almost all the time, and I even use it when I’m talking about stories from the past. But I find myself still thinking in my mind with she/her pronouns. And I need to stop that.

Some days Facebook memories are especially hard. Today a memory was of Izzy dressed like Clara for her Holiday dress up day in elementary. Full head of long curly locks, beautiful dress….so girly. So Izzy.

We go to the gender clinic for our first appointment two weeks from today. I expect to leave with lots of information and a rx for period blockers. It’s not time for additional meds. Tommi said that himself.

One more thing tonight. I had a patient on Monday who asked about my kids. It happens often. I said they were fine and left it at that. He asked what year in college my son was and I told him… knowing what the next question would be. “And your daughter…?”

And there it was….This man has been my patient for 12+ years. We have talked a lot at his appointments, he knows of my family and I know of his. But did I feel safe to tell him our truth. I felt a nudge, so I said “well, Izzy now goes by Tommi and uses different pronouns.” And John nodded and said “Does Tommi go by he/him or they/them? …Because my daughter is gay….she uses she/her.”

And with that I felt a wave of acceptance and 100% comfortable to tell him more of our truth. We talked, he counseled, he gave me resources and let me in on the fact that he and his wife were very active in PFLAG and encouraged me to do the same. Tonight, he sent me a lovely email from him and his wife full of more acceptance and encouragement and links to lots of trans resources.

God is there in these people who come to me for professional help but give me the best of themselves at the same time. God was there in that theater last night as those songs were sung, that fellowship was shared and my prayers went up. And God will be there on Christmas morning to make it just as wonderful as in years past…I trust in that.