I am weary. I am burdened. I am coming to God on my knees and asking Him to take my burden and give me rest. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding; in all your ways know him, and he will make your path straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s been a rough few days. I had the perfect storm on Thursday afternoon that landed me in a panic of nausea, heart palpitations and tinnitus as well as in a session of therapy with Brad. I cried with him for an hour-raw feelings, honest truths. He listened, validated and advised me. It’s been 4 days and I’m more peaceful, but living with held breath and a stomach of anxiety most of the time right now.

My reaction to two simultaneous situations shocked and scared me. I’ve never felt such a strong sense of overwhelming sadness and fear like that before. Brad assured me (at least 52 times) it was a normal reaction, but wow. That was intense. I talked to him while sitting on the floor of my closet behind two locked doors. I needed to find a closed in, dark, safe place…what’s safer than locked in my closet with my shoes! 😂

I am trying to be more open and less closed down when I’m uncomfortable or upset—and that’s against my nature as I don’t want confrontation. I’m trying to reach for comfort in those moments when I’m anxious or upset or angry from those who fill me with peace and love and support—and that’s against my nature as I don’t want to share my burden. I’m trying to be more in tune with Todd. I am trying to navigate Tommi’s gender, pronouns, name. I am trying to navigate giving Tommi more autonomy but knowing when to step in and how to handle his needs and expectations. Im trying to figure out the best school path for Tommi that will be acceptable to all of us. I’m trying to be there for Jackson when he wants me there but give him freedom to fly most of the time.

That’s a lot of trying. And a lot of emotions. And a lot of anxious moments and a lot of impending growth. And as Brad emphasized, with each breakthrough there will be moments of pride, moments where you want to puke, and moments when you’re so emotionally tired that you need to rest. And that resting is not avoidance of your problems. It’s a chance to recharge so you can face them more productively and successfully.

I’m also coming to learn that trauma isn’t necessarily a horrific moment of terror that changes your life in a heartbeat. It can be small moments that we don’t take the time to deal with immediately and they begin to stack on top of each other until they’re so deep that you’re treading water to stay afloat. 7 miscarriages, the decision to adopt, the adhd, the anxiety, the autism, the ocd, the transgender proclamation, the marriage on the back-burner…layer after layer of small individual traumas that I/we now have to wade through. Thank goodness for an amazing God, amazing husband, amazing family/friends and amazing Brad. We have a lot of work ahead of us.

I talked in my last blog about being available to Tommi 24/7 and how that has become a daunting task. That I need to learn to put Tommi in Todd’s hands and Todd needs to learn how to diffuse the Tommi bomb as I can. We’ve given it a try a few times in the last two weeks. Some attempts more successful than others. But I’ve also begun to make it clear that there are times I won’t bend to Tommi and times I won’t apologize. Whoo-heads are starting to spin over here! Wish us luck this Thursday as Jackson and I travel to the Music City Bowl in Nashville to root on Purdue! Team Todd and Tommi. 🖤💛🏈🚂 And my sister and brother-in-law gave us a overnight at a nearby bed and breakfast so we can get away together for a night. I’m looking forward to that with excitement and fear.

One final thought for today. I think I have been so busy trying to make sure Tommi felt supported and had the things that he needed to feel comfortable and experience less gender dysphoria and making sure every word I said was in line with showing support that I haven’t grieved fully what him being transgender really means to me. Tommi is the first to remind me that this isn’t about me…and I agree to a point…but in this I have lost the little girl that I was handed at 20minutes old, the daughter who loved to dress up in princess gowns and do make up tutorials on any victim (I mean relative) she could get to sit down, the beauty who walked down the aisle of my sisters long awaited wedding, the name we so carefully chose to be hers. That’s the part that IS about me. The part I need to grieve. I will get there, I have loads of people in my own village who will help me along the way…if I just continue to find the courage to reach out.

At the end of our last session Brad showed me several things he’d written down during our session that he wanted me to remember…. To anchor myself in. I’m trying, Brad. I’m trying. 💙

Anyone who has done therapy knows that it causes you to see things you (and others) do in a different light. You may go into therapy thinking “this situation is not my fault” or “I don’t think I need to work on anything” and come to find out that there are many things you can do to make your life and the lives of your loved ones easier. If we’re honest, every human has many things they could handle better, easier, with more grace or love. Therapy is hard work; and change, of any kind, is also hard. We want others to change for us but would rather stay firmly in our own comfort zone. But if I stay in my comfort zone, I will never grow. I will never improve. I will expect something of others that I won’t do myself. I believe with the help of a good therapist we can all move toward a better, more fulfilling life. And if you’ve read any of my blog, you know we have the best therapist!

Last week in our session, Todd and I talked about many things, not the least of which was why Todd likes to talk to me on the phone rather than texting (an ahh-ha moment for me), and how I never give my full 100% attention to him in our conversations. I’m half-listening to him while doing other things at the same time or I get bored or I’m tired and I stop listening. There are times that me giving Todd 90% (or less) of me is fine, but there are times when he wants and deserves that extra 10%. There are times I need the same thing from Todd, even though I hadn’t identified that need until we were in the midst of the conversation. Brad called them our “10% moments” and he helped us find our signal to use when Todd (or I) need that extra 10% and he challenged us to find a way to have those 10% moments without distraction… which means we may be bundling up and heading to the car to have a few quiet moments from time to time! Lol 😂 we think Tommi wouldn’t find me there for at least 3-4 minutes!

We also spent some time talking about my need for some “me time.” I am 24/7 “on call” for Tommi. I always have been. I am his person and over the past 14 yrs I have created a “momma monster” who wants me and only me when he’s in need of help. In doing so, I have made it nearly impossible to leave the house without Tommi or without Tommi texting or calling me while I’m out. I rarely do something enjoyable by myself or specifically for me or even for Todd and me alone. When I do go out for dinner or a concert or coffee with a friend, my phone is on and out just in case Tommi needs anything. On our football days Tommi often stays home, but I always have phone at the ready and he is constantly on my mind while we’re away. Even if Todd is home with Tommi, I try to prep Todd for a successful time home with Tommi but I know that ultimately I will be the one Tommi reaches out to, so again my phone is in hand while I’m out. I think part of this is just being a momma. But part of it is being a momma of a special needs kid, part of it is not allowing Todd a place of trust in Tommi’s life and part of it is being a massive momma bear.

Brad had a simple question for me. Why don’t you turn your phone off. My simple answer: I can’t. I refuse to. I won’t do that. What if someone needs something and I’m unavailable? What if they can’t find something and I know where it is? What if…..

Brad knows me well enough to know my refusal wasn’t going anywhere. So he went a different direction. What if you leave the phone on but we set some boundaries. Because the long and short of it is that I cannot diffuse a fight happening at home when I’m not at home. So….Brad proposed that Kira will tell Tommi that Todd is his go to while Kira is out. And Kira won’t respond to any text or call unless there’s blood or fire or fighting to the point of calling 911. (I asked how I know if there’s blood or fire and he said “they send you evidence via a picture!”)

So. My growth now begins and my comfort zone is stretched. And honestly Todd’s growth is also being stretched as he navigates diffusing Tommi and getting Tommi to allow him to help when I’m out of reach.

The good news is that to give ourselves opportunity for this growth, I had to make some friend dates! I had coffee with Tosha on Sunday. Phone on, but in my purse. I had Mexican with Stacey last night…phone on Do Not Disturb and in my purse. I didn’t check it for three hours! And when I did, there were 5 texts…but none from my family! Our conversation did not center around Tommi…we talked about EVERYTHING! It was refreshing and I enjoyed every minute of our time together! But maybe better even than any of that… when I walked in the door at home, Todd and Tommi were downstairs in the same space and it was peaceful! I know it may not always be this beautiful, but I also know that it can be…the potential is there.

Next week we have another opportunity for this growth when I get to enjoy dinner with Ali! And then on the 30th we will have a big huge test as I spend the day with my favorite 20 year old cheering on our Boilermakers in the Music City Bowlgame! Todd will be on 100% duty and I will be enjoying every minute of my time with the big kid! Wish us luck….on the growth AND the football game! ❤️🖤💛

I went to the KLove Christmas concert last night with an old and a new friend. As I sat between them, feeling safe and loved, I was suddenly overcome with great sadness. I sat there listening to these wonderful praise songs and was sad because our Christmas will be so different this year. Our first Christmas with Tommi. And while yes, Tommi IS Izzy, it’s just not the same. I will write Tommi on his packages. I ordered new family name ornaments for our tree, so his will say Tommi, not Izzy, and they will all match.

I was sad because Tommi does not believe in God. Does not celebrate Christmas for the same reasons I do. He is not celebrating the birth of Jesus, he is celebrating a day when he gets presents. And while this is actually the case with a lot of children, I wish it was different for him.

I listened to the words of those songs and did a lot of praying for my kid last night. I held back tears until they tumbled over my eye lids and I handed that grief over to God. Or at least I tried. Because when it comes down to the bottom line, I am blessed. I still have my kiddo. He let us know his gender identity, he tells me his truths, he gives me the opportunity to ask questions and he feels safe and happy (usually) in our home. A lot of trans kids don’t have those same blessings and many trans parents have lost their kids to being unaccepting of their kids truth and/or their kids suicide.

I am trying hard to move forward, one foot in front of the other every day. I’m using his preferred name and pronouns almost all the time, and I even use it when I’m talking about stories from the past. But I find myself still thinking in my mind with she/her pronouns. And I need to stop that.

Some days Facebook memories are especially hard. Today a memory was of Izzy dressed like Clara for her Holiday dress up day in elementary. Full head of long curly locks, beautiful dress….so girly. So Izzy.

We go to the gender clinic for our first appointment two weeks from today. I expect to leave with lots of information and a rx for period blockers. It’s not time for additional meds. Tommi said that himself.

One more thing tonight. I had a patient on Monday who asked about my kids. It happens often. I said they were fine and left it at that. He asked what year in college my son was and I told him… knowing what the next question would be. “And your daughter…?”

And there it was….This man has been my patient for 12+ years. We have talked a lot at his appointments, he knows of my family and I know of his. But did I feel safe to tell him our truth. I felt a nudge, so I said “well, Izzy now goes by Tommi and uses different pronouns.” And John nodded and said “Does Tommi go by he/him or they/them? …Because my daughter is gay….she uses she/her.”

And with that I felt a wave of acceptance and 100% comfortable to tell him more of our truth. We talked, he counseled, he gave me resources and let me in on the fact that he and his wife were very active in PFLAG and encouraged me to do the same. Tonight, he sent me a lovely email from him and his wife full of more acceptance and encouragement and links to lots of trans resources.

God is there in these people who come to me for professional help but give me the best of themselves at the same time. God was there in that theater last night as those songs were sung, that fellowship was shared and my prayers went up. And God will be there on Christmas morning to make it just as wonderful as in years past…I trust in that.