I had this awesome conversation with Tommi last night. And I need to document it so I can keep remembering and learning as we travel through our coming days.

My question: How long do you think you’ve been considering yourself transgender? You used to be such a “girly-girl”…

Tommi: I was good at feminine expression with my clothing. I loved Barbies and Disney Princesses, but toys are so gendered and they really shouldn’t be. It’s hard for me to say when the transgender identity came through to my conscious. I used to sing a song about wanting a penis…do you remember that (yes…very clearly) and then in the last year I just started considering…do I feel more comfortable identifying male? I didn’t really know that gay and lesbian and transgenderism existed until recently. It’s not something you and dad taught me about. And that’s ok – it’s not a big thing in your lives, at least it wasn’t <wink>

Me: So do you feel like dad and I failed in that aspect of parenting?

Tommi: No. There wasn’t really a reason to bring it up at the time.

My question: Did you start pulling your hair as an initial/early sign of gender dysphoria or identity questioning?

Tommi: I don’t really think so, but I can’t say that definitively. You loved my hair, but I didn’t like my hair

My question: Do you think you will ever grow your hair back out? You keep shaving it when it starts to get long

Tommi: I’ve been shaving it because I’m trying to fill in my patches that I’ve pulled and then I want to try and grow it all out at the same length. I have two of the patches filled back in. I do really like wearing wigs though.

My question: We all know that someone at the center made an inappropriate comment about your boobs at the beginning of 2021. Did that comment have any baring on your decision to come out as transgender?

Tommi: That comment did and still does piss me off. But I don’t think so. It made me uncomfortable, but didn’t cause me to come out as transgender.

My question: So do you agree that being transgender is really different from being gay, lesbian or bi-sexual. Do you agree that gender identity isn’t necessarily the same as sexuality?

Tommi: YES! You can be transgender, and heterosexual. You can be transgender and gay or lesbian. It depends on how you identify and who you are attracted to.

My question: So you have a bf. And he is transgender male as well. So does that make you gay?

Tommi: It would. If I labeled myself that way.

My question: What’s the Q in LGBTQ?

Tommi: It’s for Queer, or Questioning. And queer is a derogative term, but if the LGBTQ community takes back ownership of it, it could no longer be derogative. But that’s complicated.

My question: You want to stop your periods, and use he/him pronouns…but tonight when I got out some of your dresses from your closet to give to a different child, you said “then you’ll need to buy me more dresses” Why do you want to wear dresses if you are TransMale?

Tommi: Because sometimes I still want to dress up and look nice, and even though they are, clothes should not be gender specific. I should be able to wear what makes me happy and comfortable. Sometimes that’s a tshirt and sweats; sometimes it’s pants and a button up mens shirt; sometimes it’s a dress.

My question: How about medicines….where’s your head on that?

Tommi: I definitely want to stop my periods. I’m not sure about Testosterone. I would like my voice a little deeper, but maybe I can work on that myself. I’m not sure I want the body changes that T makes happen. At least not now.

Me: Well you have a couple years before you can do T anyway. So you have plenty of time to consider that and make a decision.

My question: Would you feel comfortable talking to and answering questions that family or friends might have?

Tommi: Absolutely! I know a lot and I want people to understand as much as possible.

My question: Do you know why I went and talked to my aunts and uncles last weekend?

Tommi: I do. And I’m glad you did that. I could have gone with you to answer their questions. I know more than you do.

Me: Probably true in this circumstance. But my goal was to make them feel comfortable asking me anything, and to make you comfortable the next time you are around them. I didn’t know if you would be comfortable talking with them about it.

My question: Are you happy, do you feel safe and loved?

Tommi: I’m usually happy. And yes I do. I think if someone was unkind to me, or threatened me, you would protect me.

I think we both felt really good after this conversation. I thank Stacey and Brad for giving me the confidence to ask the questions of my heart. And I thank Tommi for being willing to answer them. I am blessed.