The standard dictionary definition of grace is:

1. Simple elegance

2. Courteous goodwill

3. To do honor or credit to someone by one’s presence.

The Biblical definition of grace: a spontaneous gift from God to people—Generous, free and totally unexpected and undeserved—that takes the form of divine favor, love and a share in the Devine life of God.

My definition of grace: A beautiful gift of undeserved peace, love and understanding that my God, my family and my friends bestow on me often, a gift I try to freely give others but rarely give myself. A gift Tommi extends about as regularly as a solar eclipse.

In my sessions with Brad, we’ve been working hard on giving myself grace in the midst of living with an autistic, anxious, depressive, adhd transgender teenager. Say that 5 times fast. I hold myself to a different standard than I hold others to in terms of grace. I can and will forgive, extend grace and/or repair with others quickly because nothing feels worse to me than being mad at someone I love or someone I love being mad at me. But giving myself grace…that’s hard. I’m a work in progress and luckily I have Brad, Tosha and Stacey to frequently remind me that I need to give myself that grace.

We’ve also been talking about the holidays and how to ensure that Tommi and my extended family have a comfortable and grace-filled holiday when we are blessed to get together. The idea of transgenderism isn’t something familiar to any of us, and as Todd and I have been processing the whole thing, we have limited ourselves to conversation with just our immediate family. With holidays rapidly approaching, my anxieties were elevating as to how the holidays would go with my extended family. There would be an elephant in the room this year and I didn’t want anyone, most of all Tommi, to suffer from that. Tommi’s new name and pronouns had been told to my aunts and uncles by my parents, but I was beginning to feel that they deserved more than that. They deserved a chance to ask their questions and I needed to be the one hosting that conversation.

So Brad and I sat down and made a list of the things I needed my extended family to know and to do for Tommi, if they could. A short list: use Tommi’s new chosen name, his chosen pronouns and to show him the love, support and encouragement they’ve always given Izzy. If they make a mistake, it’s not the end of the world…move on and try again next time. And that if they couldn’t give Tommi support, then we respectfully ask they didn’t speak poorly of Tommi to Tommi or us. While we love them so much, Tommi’s safety and well-being is our number one priority. Brad challenged me to take the elephant in the room and change it back into our Tommi (izzy).

Brad suggested I start with someone I felt most safe with. Honestly, that could be any of the three sets of them. But I chose my Aunt Janet. Then moved on to Aunt Mary and Uncle Jeff and will finish my Tommi tour with Aunt Andy and Chuck when they return from Florida.

From the minute I called and asked to visit so we could talk about Tommi, I felt nothing but love and grace. There it was again….grace. These people who have loved me as their own for all of my 46 years met me with so much grace. Unconditional love for me and Tommi. And their immediate support. But the grace, that’s what hit me. They met me with such a beautiful grace. They asked questions and listened to my answers. They hugged and they shared their strength and support with me. They filled my spirit and quashed my butterfly filled stomach with their kind grace. And they vowed to love Tommi in the same way they always have. I think we dissolved that elephant in the room on Saturday. I hope to do the same with Andy and Chuck soon.

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know if this will be Tommi’s life from here on out. But I do know that Tommi is damn lucky to be in a family where grace, love and encouragement are at our core.