In a year where we, as a collective humanity, have been given so many challenges, we can still find so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for Todd. He works so hard for us. At a job he doesn’t love and in a home where he often meets hostility from his youngest kiddo and eye rolls from me. He loves us so much. So much so that he agreed to go to therapy with me. We have weathered so many storms together and he always is there to take my anger, frustration, fear and inability to talk. He shares his wicked sense of humor when I can’t find my smile and love even when I don’t deserve it. And he still likes holding my sweaty hand.

I am thankful for Jackson. He is a light in my life and gives me so much joy. He is my easy kid, but I try not to take that for granted. He is living his best life at the best university on earth and I’m so proud of him. I’m grateful for the random phone calls to share an experience or a frustration, for the silly snaps he sends me daily and I’m grateful for the love he gives so freely.

I am grateful for Tommi. He is my greatest challenge and my greatest gift. He is my shadow. He continues to teach me daily about mental illness, being unique, being genuine, powering through anxiety and now gender health. He is smart as a whip, mean as a snake and loving as a puppy dog. He is in my consciousness nearly every minute of a day, and he definitely receives my most fervent prayers.

I am grateful for my mom and dad, Tina and Kyle and my family. They are simply the best with their unconditional love and support. I love you all with all of my heart.

I am grateful for my mom village, my amazing friends local and afar and the women who I’ve found to support me through PFLAG, GenderNexus and Proverbs 31. You all fill me up in different ways that keep me moving forward when I’m not sure I can. Special shout-out to Tosha, Ali and Stacey. I love you all so very much.

I’m thankful for Brad. For his guidance, support, validation and spirituality. He sheds light in those dark spaces, he leads me to honesty, he welcomes my tears and he listens and laughs with me. God led him to us 3 years ago as someone who could do the BrainPaint I was hoping would solve Tommi’s problems but he has become so much more to us.

There are so many other things to be grateful for: jobs, health, home, food and faith. God richly blesses us and while I’d like to think we show our gratitude daily, I know that is not the case. It will be my goal to be more grateful in 2022.

Todd and I have been married 23 years. We were babies when we got married. And in the past 23 years we have been through about every emotion in the book. We lost Todd’s dad two months after our wedding. We had Jackson, then fought respiratory illnesses throughout his first year of life. We had 7 miscarriages, worked for our foster parent license, adopted Isabella, changed jobs, lost jobs, loved jobs and hated jobs. We have travelled down the active, involved kid road, the mental health kid road, the college kid road and now the transgender kid road. And through most all of it we took the divide and conquer tactic. We have passed like ships in the night for almost 20 years and we have found ourselves at a place of distance and regret. Parenting and holding a marriage strong is hard for any couple. Parenting and keeping a marriage strong is near impossible for a couple with a child who has mental illness.

And so we find ourselves in a place where we are no longer each other’s safe harbour. And we are embarking on a journey to come back to each other.

We met each other in the safe space, for me, of Brads therapy room this week. Todd would rather meet in his safe space…our living room with just the two of us. But I, and I believe we, need Brad at this point. Brad can keep us on track, will call us on our bullshit, and lead us through the tough but necessary conversations. We spent an hour talking, crying, laughing, listening. We said some things we’d been holding back, neither of us withdrew or got angry. And Tommi, in Brads words, gave us a freaking miracle by giving us that hour alone with each other and Brad.

Brad made sure we both know this is going to be a long ride because we both have so much regret and so many unsaid things and because our path with Tommi has been and will continue to be challenging. Therapy will be long and bumpy, but if we keep coming into his space, being honest, we’ll get there. And I believe we will. If anyone can do it, Todd, myself and Brad can.

I had this awesome conversation with Tommi last night. And I need to document it so I can keep remembering and learning as we travel through our coming days.

My question: How long do you think you’ve been considering yourself transgender? You used to be such a “girly-girl”…

Tommi: I was good at feminine expression with my clothing. I loved Barbies and Disney Princesses, but toys are so gendered and they really shouldn’t be. It’s hard for me to say when the transgender identity came through to my conscious. I used to sing a song about wanting a penis…do you remember that (yes…very clearly) and then in the last year I just started considering…do I feel more comfortable identifying male? I didn’t really know that gay and lesbian and transgenderism existed until recently. It’s not something you and dad taught me about. And that’s ok – it’s not a big thing in your lives, at least it wasn’t <wink>

Me: So do you feel like dad and I failed in that aspect of parenting?

Tommi: No. There wasn’t really a reason to bring it up at the time.

My question: Did you start pulling your hair as an initial/early sign of gender dysphoria or identity questioning?

Tommi: I don’t really think so, but I can’t say that definitively. You loved my hair, but I didn’t like my hair

My question: Do you think you will ever grow your hair back out? You keep shaving it when it starts to get long

Tommi: I’ve been shaving it because I’m trying to fill in my patches that I’ve pulled and then I want to try and grow it all out at the same length. I have two of the patches filled back in. I do really like wearing wigs though.

My question: We all know that someone at the center made an inappropriate comment about your boobs at the beginning of 2021. Did that comment have any baring on your decision to come out as transgender?

Tommi: That comment did and still does piss me off. But I don’t think so. It made me uncomfortable, but didn’t cause me to come out as transgender.

My question: So do you agree that being transgender is really different from being gay, lesbian or bi-sexual. Do you agree that gender identity isn’t necessarily the same as sexuality?

Tommi: YES! You can be transgender, and heterosexual. You can be transgender and gay or lesbian. It depends on how you identify and who you are attracted to.

My question: So you have a bf. And he is transgender male as well. So does that make you gay?

Tommi: It would. If I labeled myself that way.

My question: What’s the Q in LGBTQ?

Tommi: It’s for Queer, or Questioning. And queer is a derogative term, but if the LGBTQ community takes back ownership of it, it could no longer be derogative. But that’s complicated.

My question: You want to stop your periods, and use he/him pronouns…but tonight when I got out some of your dresses from your closet to give to a different child, you said “then you’ll need to buy me more dresses” Why do you want to wear dresses if you are TransMale?

Tommi: Because sometimes I still want to dress up and look nice, and even though they are, clothes should not be gender specific. I should be able to wear what makes me happy and comfortable. Sometimes that’s a tshirt and sweats; sometimes it’s pants and a button up mens shirt; sometimes it’s a dress.

My question: How about medicines….where’s your head on that?

Tommi: I definitely want to stop my periods. I’m not sure about Testosterone. I would like my voice a little deeper, but maybe I can work on that myself. I’m not sure I want the body changes that T makes happen. At least not now.

Me: Well you have a couple years before you can do T anyway. So you have plenty of time to consider that and make a decision.

My question: Would you feel comfortable talking to and answering questions that family or friends might have?

Tommi: Absolutely! I know a lot and I want people to understand as much as possible.

My question: Do you know why I went and talked to my aunts and uncles last weekend?

Tommi: I do. And I’m glad you did that. I could have gone with you to answer their questions. I know more than you do.

Me: Probably true in this circumstance. But my goal was to make them feel comfortable asking me anything, and to make you comfortable the next time you are around them. I didn’t know if you would be comfortable talking with them about it.

My question: Are you happy, do you feel safe and loved?

Tommi: I’m usually happy. And yes I do. I think if someone was unkind to me, or threatened me, you would protect me.

I think we both felt really good after this conversation. I thank Stacey and Brad for giving me the confidence to ask the questions of my heart. And I thank Tommi for being willing to answer them. I am blessed.

The standard dictionary definition of grace is:

1. Simple elegance

2. Courteous goodwill

3. To do honor or credit to someone by one’s presence.

The Biblical definition of grace: a spontaneous gift from God to people—Generous, free and totally unexpected and undeserved—that takes the form of divine favor, love and a share in the Devine life of God.

My definition of grace: A beautiful gift of undeserved peace, love and understanding that my God, my family and my friends bestow on me often, a gift I try to freely give others but rarely give myself. A gift Tommi extends about as regularly as a solar eclipse.

In my sessions with Brad, we’ve been working hard on giving myself grace in the midst of living with an autistic, anxious, depressive, adhd transgender teenager. Say that 5 times fast. I hold myself to a different standard than I hold others to in terms of grace. I can and will forgive, extend grace and/or repair with others quickly because nothing feels worse to me than being mad at someone I love or someone I love being mad at me. But giving myself grace…that’s hard. I’m a work in progress and luckily I have Brad, Tosha and Stacey to frequently remind me that I need to give myself that grace.

We’ve also been talking about the holidays and how to ensure that Tommi and my extended family have a comfortable and grace-filled holiday when we are blessed to get together. The idea of transgenderism isn’t something familiar to any of us, and as Todd and I have been processing the whole thing, we have limited ourselves to conversation with just our immediate family. With holidays rapidly approaching, my anxieties were elevating as to how the holidays would go with my extended family. There would be an elephant in the room this year and I didn’t want anyone, most of all Tommi, to suffer from that. Tommi’s new name and pronouns had been told to my aunts and uncles by my parents, but I was beginning to feel that they deserved more than that. They deserved a chance to ask their questions and I needed to be the one hosting that conversation.

So Brad and I sat down and made a list of the things I needed my extended family to know and to do for Tommi, if they could. A short list: use Tommi’s new chosen name, his chosen pronouns and to show him the love, support and encouragement they’ve always given Izzy. If they make a mistake, it’s not the end of the world…move on and try again next time. And that if they couldn’t give Tommi support, then we respectfully ask they didn’t speak poorly of Tommi to Tommi or us. While we love them so much, Tommi’s safety and well-being is our number one priority. Brad challenged me to take the elephant in the room and change it back into our Tommi (izzy).

Brad suggested I start with someone I felt most safe with. Honestly, that could be any of the three sets of them. But I chose my Aunt Janet. Then moved on to Aunt Mary and Uncle Jeff and will finish my Tommi tour with Aunt Andy and Chuck when they return from Florida.

From the minute I called and asked to visit so we could talk about Tommi, I felt nothing but love and grace. There it was again….grace. These people who have loved me as their own for all of my 46 years met me with so much grace. Unconditional love for me and Tommi. And their immediate support. But the grace, that’s what hit me. They met me with such a beautiful grace. They asked questions and listened to my answers. They hugged and they shared their strength and support with me. They filled my spirit and quashed my butterfly filled stomach with their kind grace. And they vowed to love Tommi in the same way they always have. I think we dissolved that elephant in the room on Saturday. I hope to do the same with Andy and Chuck soon.

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know if this will be Tommi’s life from here on out. But I do know that Tommi is damn lucky to be in a family where grace, love and encouragement are at our core.