Tommi turned 14 this weekend. We went to Bowling Green KY to meet his bf in person. Traveling with tommi has always been hard. Travel is 100% not routine. I’ve always attempted to make it as home-like as possible, with a focus on making nighttime and morning as similar to home as possible. But it’s not possible. It’s just not.

I remember a family trip to DC where we spent a good amount of time yelling in the hotel room in the morning just trying to get Tommi dressed and out the door for our days adventures. That ended with tommi repeatedly hitting his hand with a brush until it was red and bruising. Or the afternoon in NYC where he had a massive autism meltdown on the sidewalk and I wanted more than anything to walk away and pretend I didn’t know that kid …or even myself. That one ended with Aunt Tina going back to the hotel with Tommi for a quiet evening so I could enjoy Little Italy and Chinatown with Jackson. Or even Tommis first trip to Disney World where at 22mos we had days of massive meltdowns before he could string words together to tell us it was overstimulating him and he felt out of control. I think that our big family trip to Hawaii might have been the most enjoyable trip we ever had as a family.

But I digress. I knew this trip would be hard. We were going down to meet Tommis bf and celebrate his birthday and he was going to have massive anxiety about how the meeting would go. It was a 100% unknown for all of us. Todd and I were concerned about meeting a kid and their parent whom Tommi met online. I had heard the kid and seen the kid, so I knew it was a kid…but we had no idea who this kids parents were, or what we were walking into. To say this kids mom wasn’t supportive of his declaration of being transgender or of our visit would be an understatement. Luckily the step dad is who brought Ozzy and met with us and he, while definitely from the hills of Kentucky, was kind and happy to have brought ozzy for the visit.

So a trip where 3 out of 3 people were anxious was difficult to say the least. We started it out with a hotel who’s pool was closed….and of course it was too late to cancel…and of course swimming was something Tommi was looking forward to. Todd and I took our corners-him thinking Tommi needed to just buck up and accept no pool; and me thinking we ditch this hotel and find a new one with a pool because it would be easier and Tommi would be happier. As I usually do, I bowled over Todd and made the decision to find a new hotel. Tommi, happy; Todd not so much, Kira, somewhere in the middle.

I told Brad tonight that I felt like I was walking a tightrope all weekend. Trying to keep Tommi in a good headspace, trying to keep Todd in a good mood and not saying something that would tick Tommi off and myself…well teetering on the brink of a breakdown most of the weekend (did I mention I took myself off my anxiety meds?). It’s not a good place to find oneself. It’s exhausting. But I find myself there frequently.

Tommis birthday started out good. Presents, breakfast, smiles. And then as we got closer to time to head to the restaurant suddenly those teenage fears started creeping in. You know the ones (I remember them well as does my mom) the “I hate my hair” “my outfit is stupid” “my makeup sucks.” Take your own teenage angst and multiply it by 100, that’s the teenage angst of an anxious, autistic new 14 year old. It’s not pretty. But we arrived, they arrived, the kids had an amazing 4 hours together at lunch and then the mall. Tommi even felt comfortable enough to take his wig off when he got hot! Todd and I both said we haven’t seen Tommi that happy, smiley, interactive with another kid in a long time. It was worth the drive, the multiple hotel rooms, the yelling and tears leading up to the visit.

We spent the rest of Tommis birthday having a fight at a local dairy farm about ice cream…Tommi wanted three treats, we said no you have to choose, and world war 3 broke out right there by the life-sized plastic Jersey cow. But we made it through that too (with 2 dishes of ice cream and a root beer float for Tommi) and then we had a lovely evening of swimming at the hotel.

My kids birthdays are two of the most important days of the year for me. I want their birthdays to be magical and perfect. But that’s not always real life. There were times this weekend where I wanted to throw in the towel. To rent a car and drive home and change the locks before Todd and Tommi could get back here. Where I shouted to God that I didn’t want to do this anymore. And then I heard Brads voice reminding me that I may not want to keep going, but God says “you will continue because that is your story, but I will be right by your side the whole way.”

Tommi announced late Sunday that he would like to take his hoodie to Ozzy and leave it with him. That involved a trip to Ozzys house. After arguing for a bit about taking a very dirty sweatshirt to Ozzy, we typed his address into Waze and off we went. We were in the complete boondocks of KY. And left the sweatshirt in a mailbox that we thought was Ozzys. Turns out it wasn’t. We left a dirty sweatshirt in some random family’s mailbox! Oops 😅 (Todd and I thought it was funny, probably don’t need to say that Tommi did not…but just imagine the confused person who opened their mailbox to find a dirty sweatshirt in a target bag!)

We ended our weekend feeding and petting the kangaroos and walking through a cave at Kentucky Down Under. Tommi even got to feed and pet a Joey still in its mamas pouch! No better way to end our weekend.

We now head into year 14 with Tommi. God only knows what this year will bring, but I pray for his continued growth in emotions, communication and relationships. I pray for a kiddo who starts finding his inner peace, continues to find and use his anxiety strategies and maybe finds the reason to return to in person school. And I pray for myself to just live and enjoy him, to give him more responsibilities and to just breathe.