There are weeks where I feel no need to write; and then this week where I can’t stop writing. Writing this blog about Tommi and the life we live is therapy and a way to look back if/when a similar situation happens again down the road…and after I have a session with Brad, my mind and heart are usually so open that things just flow out. Brad and I met yesterday. Before we met, I felt this small sadness in my body – I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I told Tosha that something is there and I hoped that talking with Brad would bring it to the surface. Things have been good with Tommi, Todd and Jackson lately. We’ve had no major issues or disappointments or disagreements. Yet I could feel this sadness taking root. And 20 minutes into my session with Brad, out it came.

I don’t know exactly what happens when I’m in session with Brad that these deep seated fears/thoughts/feelings just come bubbling out. Maybe it’s his amazing therapeutic skills (which he seriously has), or that I feel 100% safe, maybe it’s that I feel he’s one of the least judgmental people in my life, or that I know Brad will listen and won’t take my “story” and make it his own, or maybe it’s that my subconscious knows this is my time to let it all out….maybe it’s all those things….but I start talking about one thing – me taking yoga and doing something for myself – and suddenly I’m divulging these thoughts and feelings that I couldn’t even pinpoint just minutes before.

Yesterday we were chatting about Yoga and how I am ready to make that a priority in my life, and that I’m allowing myself the space and time to do something for myself – when Brad said something about giving me accolades for being a wonderful mom who has put her children first and given everything in my being to them for 20 years and I said that I don’t want or deserve those accolades. And Brad pushed back – you don’t deserve or want that? Nope – I don’t. I don’t feel that I deserve any sort of medal or glowing acknowledgement for that….because that’s why I’m on this Earth….to grow good children. And because I still feel I’ve failed in at least one aspect of their lives, their religion. I don’t deserve it because I have failed in my promises to God at Tommi’s baptism. I haven’t taken Tommi to church and taught him God’s Word…afterall, Tommi tells me that he doesn’t believe in God. That he’s athiest. And that makes me sad and fearful because I have failed in my baptismal promise. And I can’t help but think what if something happens to Tommi, where will he go?

I realize that I don’t have to take Tommi to the physical building of a church to worship and believe. I don’t let Tommi’s views stop me from worshiping God and praying to God around Tommi and FOR Tommi. Brad asked me to take that part of me who feels sad and fearful and balled up and to put her in a room where Jesus and myself can be with her. To see that Jesus sees this part of me and comes to me and moves toward me with compassion. That he is not angry. That he wants to give that part of me (and me as a whole being) his compassion, peace, grace and love. That despite me feeling undeserving, Jesus is telling me that “it’s ok. you’re ok. Tommi will be ok” Brad and I discussed that Jesus didn’t meet his people, his followers, his disciples in a church….he met them in their spaces, in their sicknesses, in their sin and he brought with him his grace and peace and healing and gentleness. He did that, he gave of himself to those people, even though the world said he shouldn’t because while society said those people didn’t deserve it, Jesus knew that those people deserved it more than the high priests and leaders.

Up until today, I avoided this conversation with Tommi. He would say he doesn’t believe in God and I would not respond, or I would change the subject. But as I sat there with Brad, I realized that I’m now curious about what Tommi does believe in. And I’m ready to ask the tough questions. Brad asked me to visit this space we went to today, with this part of me and Jesus, before I move into the conversation with Tommi. To accept Jesus’s grace and peace and healing and gentleness before I ask Tommi “If you don’t believe in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, then what do you believe in? What do you think is beyond this world? Where in your body, your life, your circumstances was this non-belief in God born?”

Today, my amazing friend Tosha shared with me her thoughts on this sadness I feel deep in my spirit (although not nearly as deep and sad as before my session with Brad). She reminded me that most people struggle with their faith. The person who would tell you they carry 100% undoubting faith throughout their entire life is either rare or lying. Even my mom, the most faith-filled person I know has had times where she was angry with God and couldn’t pray. And that our faith usually is born out of our parent’s faith. But that not all people carry their parent’s faith through their own life. I show Tommi my faith…it’s up to Tommi to continue to live that belief or to move from that belief. And that just because right now, in 2021, Tommi says he’s an athiest does not mean that he will be an athiest in 10 years; and that even if he is, I didn’t fail Tommi or God. I raised Tommi in my belief system, and Tommi chose his path, and I will today and forever continue to love and pray for Tommi.

I will never be able to thank Brad and Tosha enough for their listening, love and support…God placed them in my life at this point in my life as a vessel to send His grace and peace and healing and gentleness to me. We are hardest on ourselves and are blessed when we have loved ones around us who remind us who we are and how much we are worth. And I will likewise use my voice and my love and my prayers and my witness to continue to send God’s love to Tommi. And we will see what path Tommi chooses to follow. But I will never stop trying to show Tommi how much our God and our Jesus love him.