I opened my devotional from Proverbs 31 today and was met with the story of Abraham, Sarah and Hagar. And guess what…this is exactly what we have been talking about! God used this devotional today to remind me what Brad keeps taking me to in my past sessions. God sees me in my hard. He sees me when I speak out loud the hard truth that I’ve buried deep within. He sees me as I struggle with Tommis faith and my baptismal promises for Tommi. He is with me as we discover Tommis truths and needs. He sees me when I think I can’t continue down the path we are walking. He sees me, He loves me. He tells me that He is with me and He may not save me from my pain but He is walking this path with me.

As Kara Tippets said in her amazing book The Hardest Peace (I cannot recommend Karas book enough!)…Suffering is not the absence of Gods goodness because He’s present in our pain.

Thank you, God, for the life you have given me. For the love and light places. For the hard and dark places. Because through it all, I am learning to listen, I am strengthening my faith and I am growing closer to You.

There are weeks where I feel no need to write; and then this week where I can’t stop writing. Writing this blog about Tommi and the life we live is therapy and a way to look back if/when a similar situation happens again down the road…and after I have a session with Brad, my mind and heart are usually so open that things just flow out. Brad and I met yesterday. Before we met, I felt this small sadness in my body – I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I told Tosha that something is there and I hoped that talking with Brad would bring it to the surface. Things have been good with Tommi, Todd and Jackson lately. We’ve had no major issues or disappointments or disagreements. Yet I could feel this sadness taking root. And 20 minutes into my session with Brad, out it came.

I don’t know exactly what happens when I’m in session with Brad that these deep seated fears/thoughts/feelings just come bubbling out. Maybe it’s his amazing therapeutic skills (which he seriously has), or that I feel 100% safe, maybe it’s that I feel he’s one of the least judgmental people in my life, or that I know Brad will listen and won’t take my “story” and make it his own, or maybe it’s that my subconscious knows this is my time to let it all out….maybe it’s all those things….but I start talking about one thing – me taking yoga and doing something for myself – and suddenly I’m divulging these thoughts and feelings that I couldn’t even pinpoint just minutes before.

Yesterday we were chatting about Yoga and how I am ready to make that a priority in my life, and that I’m allowing myself the space and time to do something for myself – when Brad said something about giving me accolades for being a wonderful mom who has put her children first and given everything in my being to them for 20 years and I said that I don’t want or deserve those accolades. And Brad pushed back – you don’t deserve or want that? Nope – I don’t. I don’t feel that I deserve any sort of medal or glowing acknowledgement for that….because that’s why I’m on this Earth….to grow good children. And because I still feel I’ve failed in at least one aspect of their lives, their religion. I don’t deserve it because I have failed in my promises to God at Tommi’s baptism. I haven’t taken Tommi to church and taught him God’s Word…afterall, Tommi tells me that he doesn’t believe in God. That he’s athiest. And that makes me sad and fearful because I have failed in my baptismal promise. And I can’t help but think what if something happens to Tommi, where will he go?

I realize that I don’t have to take Tommi to the physical building of a church to worship and believe. I don’t let Tommi’s views stop me from worshiping God and praying to God around Tommi and FOR Tommi. Brad asked me to take that part of me who feels sad and fearful and balled up and to put her in a room where Jesus and myself can be with her. To see that Jesus sees this part of me and comes to me and moves toward me with compassion. That he is not angry. That he wants to give that part of me (and me as a whole being) his compassion, peace, grace and love. That despite me feeling undeserving, Jesus is telling me that “it’s ok. you’re ok. Tommi will be ok” Brad and I discussed that Jesus didn’t meet his people, his followers, his disciples in a church….he met them in their spaces, in their sicknesses, in their sin and he brought with him his grace and peace and healing and gentleness. He did that, he gave of himself to those people, even though the world said he shouldn’t because while society said those people didn’t deserve it, Jesus knew that those people deserved it more than the high priests and leaders.

Up until today, I avoided this conversation with Tommi. He would say he doesn’t believe in God and I would not respond, or I would change the subject. But as I sat there with Brad, I realized that I’m now curious about what Tommi does believe in. And I’m ready to ask the tough questions. Brad asked me to visit this space we went to today, with this part of me and Jesus, before I move into the conversation with Tommi. To accept Jesus’s grace and peace and healing and gentleness before I ask Tommi “If you don’t believe in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, then what do you believe in? What do you think is beyond this world? Where in your body, your life, your circumstances was this non-belief in God born?”

Today, my amazing friend Tosha shared with me her thoughts on this sadness I feel deep in my spirit (although not nearly as deep and sad as before my session with Brad). She reminded me that most people struggle with their faith. The person who would tell you they carry 100% undoubting faith throughout their entire life is either rare or lying. Even my mom, the most faith-filled person I know has had times where she was angry with God and couldn’t pray. And that our faith usually is born out of our parent’s faith. But that not all people carry their parent’s faith through their own life. I show Tommi my faith…it’s up to Tommi to continue to live that belief or to move from that belief. And that just because right now, in 2021, Tommi says he’s an athiest does not mean that he will be an athiest in 10 years; and that even if he is, I didn’t fail Tommi or God. I raised Tommi in my belief system, and Tommi chose his path, and I will today and forever continue to love and pray for Tommi.

I will never be able to thank Brad and Tosha enough for their listening, love and support…God placed them in my life at this point in my life as a vessel to send His grace and peace and healing and gentleness to me. We are hardest on ourselves and are blessed when we have loved ones around us who remind us who we are and how much we are worth. And I will likewise use my voice and my love and my prayers and my witness to continue to send God’s love to Tommi. And we will see what path Tommi chooses to follow. But I will never stop trying to show Tommi how much our God and our Jesus love him.

Tommi is a month into online school with Connections Academy. For the first couple of weeks he did his schoolwork during the day while I was at work. Then he started getting migraines when he would sit at the computer for any length of time. Migraines so bad that he would cry and moan in pain and be nauseous for hours. So he has decided he wants to do his work with me in the evenings so I can help with the computer part of the work – so he stays up late, sleeps in, does who knows what during the days and at 8pm we go upstairs together and do his schoolwork. Do I love that? yes and no. He has good grades because I’m right there, reading with him and asking him questions and helping him get things done. But it does take a dedication from me that I wasn’t truly anticipating. It is my hope that as we move through this year, I can get him to start doing at least part of his work during the day when I’m not home. Our next stop is the eye doctor.

We’re also almost a month into Tommi taking no medication aside from medicine to help him fall asleep. Tommi has taken medication for ADHD for almost 10 years, and medication for anxiety for at least 5 years. We’ve tried so many meds, thrown the dart at the dartboard of medication and dosing more than I ever knew was possible. Medication for mental health issues is really such an experimental science. Let’s try this…….have we ever used this medication……we could do this combo……maybe we need to increase the dose. Our doctors have been amazing on the medication trail, but it’s usually a “let’s see what happens” decision and we never truly know if we’re making the best decision possible. Taking him off the meds almost a month ago seemed an easy decision. He’s in a safe place during the days, no large crowds of students in the hallways or teachers he can’t effectively communicate with. Our psychiatrist was really open to the idea and agreed with giving it a go….finding a new baseline and rebuilding from there. Brad was encouraging, and I think amazed that our psychiatrist was willing to go forward with no meds. Todd typically follows along on whatever I think is best. And Tommi was all for no meds. Since we stopped meds, I have been keeping a daily journal of Tommi’s behavior and emotions. I don’t document a lot, just rough patches, things he struggles with, the anxious moments; but also the calm moments, the positive changes, the laughter we’ve seen. I was super impressed two weeks ago when Tommi went to the Purdue football game with us and sat there the entire evening, playing his phone but also clapping to the school song, cheering when Purdue scored and talking a smidge to the guys sitting in front of us (who, btw, were super glad they sat in front of a mom who thought to bring a roll of paper towel to a football game to wipe off our wet seats!). He even told us at the end of the game that he wants to come back to the other games! This is Tommi med-free! In the last month, I have witnessed a big change in Tommi. He is happier, he is more interactive. He comes downstairs when I get home in the evening and he stays downstairs with us and the dogs throughout the night. He talks to us. He makes jokes. He laughs. He eats. He willingly goes upstairs with me at 8pm and does schoolwork with me. He still curses like a sailor and he still has a mighty temper – but those are not my worries when it comes to Tommi.

I’ve been a little sad this week as it’s Homecoming week at Noblesville Schools and there have been some fun posts on Facebook of Tommi’s teachers from elementary and 6th/7th grade having homecoming fun. It makes me sad that he’s not in that in-person school setting. That he doesn’t have that teacher/student and student/student interaction and the fun events of school. But it doesn’t make Tommi sad. So I need to just have my moment and move on.

The world of mental health/illness is much like that merry-go-round on the playground (you know, the old rusty one painted in the primary colors that your friends held onto one of the bars of and ran alongside of until they finally jumped on and you both spun around on so fast your head was literally spinning when you finally made your way to the safety of the ground!). There are days when we get on and the ride is slow and gentle – like your grandma was the one pushing the merry-go-round. There are days when you are flying so fast, but laughing so hard that you can’t see the world as it’s flying past you because of the smiles and laughter that fill the space around you. There are days when you’re the one running along, trying to push the merry-go-round for your friend, when you’re just trying to keep up and make them happy. And there are days when the meanest bully on the playground spins you so fast that you fall on your face. But no matter which merry-go-round Tommi and I are on each day, we’re on it together.

A few weeks ago, before he went off meds, Tommi and I had a real row one evening. We were supposed to be going somewhere, he was having a moment of no confidence and nothing to wear and complete irritation and I was making it worse by consistently saying “come on, we have to leave. Let’s go.” And in those moments of Tommi yelling “I’m ugly, my life sucks and I hate being in this family and I just want to die” I made a statement that I’ve had in my head before, but I’ve never ever said it outloud until that day when I said it outloud to Jackson. Tommi didn’t hear me say it. But Jackson did. And God did. And I immediately felt horrible for having said it. For giving life to those thoughts/words. And I carried that with me for 10 days until I got to talk to Brad and those words, the sorrow, the guilt, the anger flowed out of me and into the safe space Brad creates for me. And Brad made those words ok for me to have felt, thought and said. He reminded me that I have the toughest job on the planet – parenting…but not only parenting…but parenting a special needs child. And I am not the first, nor will I be the last, that would utter words of despair toward/about their special needs child. He asked me what God would have said to me had he been in the room at that moment…and I told him I thought God would be disappointed with me and would think I wasn’t a good Christian. And Brad immediately and firmly disagreed. He reminded me that when Jesus was praying in the Garden before his crucifixion, he asked God – his father – to take this cup from him. To not make him complete this task God had handed him. And that God said no. God heard his cries, heard his overwhelming fear, heard his heartache, and yet God said no. I know this is hard. I know you deserve better. But I will not take this cup from you. And Brad made me hear that God would say the same to me in that particular hard moment and in every hard moment. God has the master plan. He knew Tommi was coming into this world. He knew that Tommi would have many struggles. He knew that Tommi needed me and that I needed Tommi. And He knew that even in the dark days, the yelling days, the days when I want to throw in the towel and say “I give up” that He will remind me that I am enough. That Tommi is enough. That He will fill us with grace and love and help us find a way to continue to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking forward, even if it’s with baby steps. Mental illness is hard. But with God’s grace, Tommi and Todd and Jackson and myself will keep moving forward. That’s what families do. Thats what our village supports us to do. That’s what God wants us to do.

Dear Lord, Hold my hand when fear threatens to overwhelm and disable me. When I feel inadequate, insignificant or discouraged. Give me the strength to keep going, the courage to stand up for what I believe in, and a desire to give you nothing less than my very best. Give me faith that conquers fear. Help me to be prepared to endure everything with patience, while joyfully giving thanks.