It’s Friday afternoon. Izzy and I took the day off because were bringing Amelia the Aussie home tomorrow. She slept in while I ran some errands. Now we’re sitting together, me reading a book and her reading on her phone. The washer is running, dogs are outside barking now and then, birds are singing…it’s a rare moment of quiet in our lives. I don’t often give myself the gift of setting my switch to the off position and doing nothing. That was the discussion Brad and I had in therapy this week….sending the “I have to get this and that done” and the Mom Guilt part of me into another room and just allowing myself a peaceful moment or 10. It will take some good work with him to actually make this a part of my life…but if my reward is quiet time to myself to decompress or time spent soft talking with Izzy, where I get to hear her inner thoughts, or the things that make her laugh, or make her think, then I’m game for trying.

Why is it that we allow our society to continue the narrative that women, whether they work at home or work outside the home, they must put in a full days work and then continue working the minute they get home until they fall into bed exhausted? Why do we allow that and why do our spouses allow that and why do we continue to pass that way of thinking and living on to our daughters? And our sons for that matter. That’s another part of the mom guilt narrative Brad and I are exploring. I want Izzy and Jackson to finish growing up knowing that home is a place for everyone to pitch in and do their part and it’s also a place for everyone to sometimes put their switch to the off position and take some judgement free down time.

Izzy’s trich won last week and I helped her shave her head at her request. But Izzy won last week too when she took charge of her trich and said “it’s time to shave and start over.” Shes the strongest kid I know. I hope, no matter what her future holds, she continues to grow and fine tune that strength. Some of that strength is naturally within her, some has been instilled in her by her family, friends, doctors and teachers.

8 weeks from today, Izzy will graduate from her ABA center. She has been given the gifts of love, acceptance, strength and resilience from them, no matter what she thinks. She has been led for these months by a strong, confident, independent and amazing Clinical Director who has pushed her and shaped her into the new version of herself. Who has illustrated the way to live a good and strong life, standing up for yourself and doing things your way. And while Izzy doesn’t always like or appreciate Angela, and while it hasn’t always been easy, and while Izzy and I are both so ready to be done with ABA, we will also be forever grateful for the lessons we are learning there. We still have a lot of work to do. A lot of confidence building and strategy fine tuning. And we’re blessed we will have Angela to reach out to when times get rough, because we know they will now and again. I am thankful Izzy is surrounded by strong women who push themselves to be the best version of themselves. I pray she continues to learn to push herself out of her comfort zone, but to also know when to flip that switch to off and enjoy a moment of quiet.

I’ve wanted to write for the last couple of weeks. I’d sit down and try, but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get the words to flow. I had a lot on my mind, my anxiety was literally living in my chest and making it hard to breathe deep. I was worrying about things that hadn’t been effecting me for months. I was literally jittery. So after feeling jittery for several days, I reached out to Brad and we set a therapy appointment. He worked some magic, my chest literally feels lighter and the words are tumbling out tonight.

It’s been two months since Jackson went back to Purdue. He’s having a great semester, he’s happy at Purdue, he has in-person classes and is working hard and making memories along the way. He had his AAMB audition last week, and I spent the better part of a week panicked about what to do if he doesn’t get a spot. I have no control over the situation, and no reason to really believe that he won’t get a spot, but I definitely been holding that in my worry spot. I think my worry is driven by a couple things-he did not get a Purdue ambassador in training spot which was disappointing. And if he’s disappointed or sad or having a bad day, I feel helpless from here to make him feel better. Tonight he told me he doesn’t think he’ll know about AAMB until Band Camp, so to shelve the worry. Ok. Will do.

Izzy needs to make some decisions, some now and some soon, and I’ve held all of that in my worry spot as well. She needs to decide if she’s staying with llamas, if she wants to show rabbits still, what she should plan for for the summer and where to go to school in the Fall. I want Izzy to make these decisions herself. I want her to know I’m confident she can make a decision and I will respect her decision. And if she makes a “poor” decision I will be there to comfort her and help her. That’s what I want to do, but that’s not what I’ve been doing. I’ve been in the drivers seat. And therein lies the problem. As parents we often give our children “choices” and then proceed to sway them toward the decision we’d like them to make…the decision that will lead to safety and the most desired outcome (according to us). When our children mature, they realize we’re doing this and they rebel against it, or at a minimum it becomes ineffective. And we must find a different way to navigate our children’s choices.

That’s where Brad struck a home run tonight. I need to learn to switch myself from the worry-ridden driver, protector and decision maker to the driver of the car in the next lane over who watches them make their decision, who is a cheerleader at them making their own decisions and the comforter if their decision turns out to be a poor one. Being the cheerleader and also the comforter, is where I want to find myself…the giver of hugs, number one fan and builder of spirits. Obviously I can do this at nearly every fork in the road for Jackson, but due to age and autism and impulsivity in Izzy, I will still drive some of her decisions…or at least be the passenger in her car (with my own steering wheel and break pedal!).

This will be a hard change. But I loved the idea. And with Brad’s guidance, I know it’s somewhere I can and will find myself. I was able to pop my bubble of protection and preparation around Izzy (thanks to Brad and ABA), I can do this too. Along the way he and I will work on me telling my anxiety self that I don’t need to hold that worry. And we will broach the helpless feeling I sometimes get when I can’t help my kiddos, which returns me to the worry spot and also circles me back to a time in my life when I felt the most helpless and most alone…those three years we tried so hard, spent so much time and money and had so much heartbreak trying to have a second baby. Maybe I’ll even allow him into that secret room where I keep that helplessness and heartbreak. I’ve barely let anyone into that room-but maybe it’s time. Maybe.

Izzys trichotillomania is fierce right now. She had grown so much hair-it was 3 inches long over a majority of her head. But no longer. It’s all gone again. Except for a small patch in the front that is still long. I’m grieving her hair again. I so hoped she’d have some hair when she went back to school in the Fall. I just continue to pray, and ask you to pray as well, as I know it’s her hearts desire to have long hair again, she just can’t help herself.

So today was my first step into becoming the decision cheerleader and comforter. Jackson called and wanted to talk about his schedule for Fall 2021. He has to take a foreign language and he could try to test out of some German and probably finish that requirement in 1 semester… or he could start a new language (Russian is his choice) and take 3 semesters. I took a breath and said “I think you’ll weigh your options, search your heart, and make a good decision. Let me know what it is and I’ll support you!” He was a little shocked I think.

And Izzy…she made one of those decisions today at ABA. I asked them to help her decide on whether or not to continue with the llama club. And she made a decision very quickly and I will support her in that decision.

Huh….two wins for my cheerleader/comforter role on day one. Yay me