It’s been two weeks since our big blow up and the suggestion from Brad to consider ABA for Izzy. I’ve done a lot of research, a lot of praying and she’s days away from being a kiddo at Autism Companion Services.

It’s been a good two weeks. She had a great 4th of July. She has enjoyed playing with Griffin lately, and didn’t kill him when he ripped a hole in Bearbears head! She had a fun session with Brad. And she has watched Hamilton about 52 times! I told her about the “autism school” on 7/6 and it didn’t go over very well. She was angry we didn’t include her in the decision, and she told her dad I was sending her to a concentration camp. Now there’s a dramatic, near teenage autistic girl for ya!

But since that day, she has settled into the idea and tonight when I said “ok, so we’re doing online Noblesville school at the Autism Center School, right?” She said “yeah” without attitude or anger. We decided we would still go tour Hamilton Heights Middle School next week so that when it’s time to go back to public school, she can make the decision of Noblesville or Heights.

Yesterday we met the centers Behavioral Analyst. Loved her. Sitting there chatting with her was like talking to an old friend who gets my life. My girl. My pride and heartbreak and goals. I think once her comfort level increases, Izzy will like Dr Angela a lot….Iz was pretty stand-off-ish toward her yesterday.

We are meeting with Jane (director of the center whom we met as a band mom 4 yrs ago) on Friday afternoon for Izzy to have a chance to ask her questions about the center. The center is brand new. It will be small. And I hope it’s perfect for our girl. I’m actually glad Jackson will be leaving soon after she starts with ABA. I think we’ll probably have some behaviors

I started writing this on Wednesday. It’s now Friday night. Izzy got herself together and made it to the rabbit show at the 4H fairgrounds this morning. Took three rabbits. Got three blues including a Best of Variety. It was so different this year, but she did great.

And we had our meeting with Jane today. We spent 90 mins with Izzy asking questions and Jane giving calm and wonderful answers. I really enjoyed watching Jane interact with Iz and was thrilled that Iz was able to ask Jane the questions we had written down. I think we were both filled with comfort and peace and I’m actually excited for this opportunity for Iz. She will spend her days with someone I trust and the people she hand picked to help her run the center. And God led us here, so that brings peace as well.

Izzy even agreed to no cell phone at the center (what?!?!) and the future of Bearbear is to be determined. I’m afraid that will be too much, but I’m not the professional and I need to leave that to them. I am the helper, not the leader. (Brad would be so proud). 😂

Today, Izzy had to go to her middle school to clean out her locker and pick up her yearbook. I prepped her several times yesterday… go in Door 1, they will give you a trash bag, you have to have a mask, leave text books behind, bag everything else, make sure to have your yearbook paper and go to the Cafeteria to get your yearbook, and then call Jackson when you’re done to see where he’s parked.

I said these words, I had her repeat them back to me, I repeated them again, I quizzed her on it. I texted everything to Jackson. I had this covered….

until she texted me when she got inside and didn’t remember where her locker was or the number.

I texted back – “I don’t have your locker number – ask a teacher, Mr. Stafford is there to help you if you need him”.

She replied “I don’t want to ask – guess I’m just f#*%ed”

Two minutes later, my phone rings. It’s Mr Stafford asking if Jackson might be able to come help because something has upset Izzy and she shut down. I told Mr Stafford she just needs her locker number. He was all “OHHHH! I can fix that!”

10 minutes later I get a notification that Izzy and Jackson have left NWMS, and a few minutes later I get a pic of her face in the yearbook.

But this, this was God, showing me again because I am a human who needs frequent reminders that things like this are the reasons she needs ABA therapy. So something like this (simple to you and me) won’t rock her world so severely.

I can’t say enough about the man who has taken our family under his therapeutic wing. I cannot thank him or tell him I appreciate him enough times to truly express my love and respect for him. He has become a safe harbour for me. A calmness for my internal storms. A voice of reason and a turnstile of ideas to help all of us navigate our days.

Friday he was raw and honest with Izzy. He is trying so hard to make this virtual therapy work for her, but in his words he’s “almost out of bullets.” and what we’ve done to date hasn’t broken through to her. I felt his hurt that he can’t help her through the screen. I know that professional hurt for those patients you hold dear. Makes you feel as if you’ve failed. And at the same time I felt Izzy’s immediate fear that she was about to lose him. I even started texting Todd in that moment that I thought we were about to break up. It was enough to pull her out of her hideyhole and into some conversation for a change.

Thursday night we had a huge blow up with Izzy. Huge. It was nasty and it was scary and it was very apparent that what we’ve been doing for Izzy isn’t doing for her what she needs. In desperation I messaged Brad. I needed to know when do I make the call for help. And who do I call? And how do I navigate this anger and these threats? And once again, he came through for me, being the voice of reason, providing advice and allowing God to speak to me through him and giving me answers to my prayers. That may seem extreme…but listen to this:

4 years ago, we met Jane. She was a marching band mom and even tho I rarely talk to people I don’t know, I talked to Jane. And I learned that Jane has an autistic daughter and Jane is an amazing advocate for the autistic community. We didn’t have an autism diagnosis yet, but Jane saw in Izzy things she really recognized and I have always felt she went above and beyond to build a little bond with our girl. Janes daughter graduated after Jackson’s Sophomore season, and my interactions with her essentially stopped. Izzy always remembered Jane though.

When Izzys autism diagnosis came April 2019, Jane was right there helping me learn about the Family Supports Waiver and talking to me about ABA. I poopooed ABA. It seemed overwhelming and uncomfortable to me. Instead I opted for therapy with a local speech pathologist and occupational therapist who specialize working with autistic kiddos. We had good sessions and not so good sessions but we saw some improvement. And I was satisfied.

But then she had a boyfriend who used her as his personal therapist and dumped all his crap on her and was constantly trying to hug her and hold her hand and she couldn’t take that. So she got out of that relationship and as a result, she suffered great depths of Depression and took a huge step backward in any gains she had made. And then hormones and periods and growing up and middle school stuff emerged and she became aggressive and angsty and forward progress stalled. And then Covid hit. And she’s been home since March 13. and, well, you’ve heard that story.

So today, when Brad responded to me, he started out by validating the fear and concern I had during Thursday nights horrible fight. And then he said he’s not a specialist in autism and maybe it’s time to consider ABA therapy where we can get full family support and where she can get appropriate behavioral and social and educational support and can come out on the other side with significant benefit. And he sent me a link to an ABA program to check out what they offer. And that link….yep, it was to Jane’s ABA center! Hello full circle. Hello Gods voice and direction. Thank you Brad.

I immediately reached out to Jane. And she immediately said we have a lot of work to do, but we will do it and she will be successful. We will have to disenroll her from public school and enroll her in their center/program. She will attend 830-430 daily. And she will receive therapy and education in an environment designed specifically for kiddos like Iz. Her Medicaid will pay 100% of fees. I will have to adjust my work a little, but I think they will be open to that. We haven’t committed yet, but I have a phone call Monday with Jane to get our long list of questions answered. Stay tuned.

I feel peace. And that is a good place to be.

Izzy had OT yesterday. OT has been difficult lately. She was frequently shutting down and being aggressive prior to Covid19, during stay-at-home she wouldn’t really participate in our virtual check-ins, and last visit being our first, she did participate, but the mask was a huge distraction.

Yesterday, Jackson drove her down to my office and then she and I went down to Beech Grove for her session. It’s about a 30 minute drive from here. She didn’t play on her phone, we chatted and laughed and listened to music. It was delightful. We got there, we sat down on a mattress, Vicki and Tatia said “today we’re going to do a reset and make some goals and see where we are and where we want to be in therapy” and she disengaged. She pulled her mask over her eyes, she laid down on the mattress and she sealed her lips….no talking from her. They asked her questions, she laid silent. So they asked me questions – and of course I answered. I gave goals I have for Izzy. They each gave goals that they have for Izzy. Izzy sat silent.

We moved away from the mattresses to a table where we could draw our goals and feelings, and we invited izzy to join us. She was silent and unmoving.

Rewind to our trip down to OT….she had a pen with her and she did a little drawing on her leg as a boredom or sensory “activity” and as we got out of the car at OT I absent-mindedly said “hope that ink can come off for our family pictures tonight.” And Izzy laughed and said “oh yeah! I forgot! I’ll get it off when we get home.” Fast forward back to my story…..she got up from the mattress, walked over to the bin where she had put her stuff, and grabbed that pen. She proceeded to walk back to the mattress and draw on nearly every inch of her legs. Lines, pictures, designs, big black boxes. I looked to Tatia and quietly said “she’s doing that to piss me off because we have family pictures tonight…..jokes on her – I’m not mad…..because I’m not the one who will look ridiculous in the pictures!” And I was proud of my own reaction to her attempt to “win” our silent argument.

When therapy was over, we silently walked to the car and got in. Izzy immediately said “I drew all over my legs to piss you off.” And I said “yep – I know.” And we drove away in silence. It takes about 5 minutes to get from their office to the interstate, and before we got to the interstate, Izzy had apologized for drawing on her legs, she promised to shower when we got home and scrub the ink off, she let me know why she was so upset during OT and she had a beautiful mood again. I didn’t have to preach or beg or ask any questions – she gave it all to me willingly and openly and it was great!

And guess what……she didn’t have ink on her legs for family pics!