We met with Brad last week. I miss seeing him face to face. There’s so much that happens in a therapy session that is so slight. A slight change in mood or body language or the energy in the room. And Brads good, but detecting those small changes is, understandably, difficult when doing therapy virtually. Especially with a kid who doesn’t love being in view of the camera.

We started out really good last session. Good moods, smiling and laughing. And then in the retelling of an interaction from the weekend, I ticked Izzy off and she completely shut down. And then just as quickly went into aggression and the monster in the room took over. The monster in the room sucked out all the good energy and the fresh oxygen and replaced it with anger and smog and poison. I saw the monster arrive. And I saw the monster take over Izzy. And I saw her anger and aggression grow. But I didn’t just see it. I 100% felt it too.

Brad tried to draw Iz in. He tried to get her to talk. She wouldn’t. I hate the quiet when he asks a question and she won’t answer. It’s so uncomfortable to me. But he tells me it’s ok. So I try to follow his lead. And when she won’t participate he has me talk. And I do. I’m sad and I feel like a failure…But I talk. And as we go on, she listen and mutters curse words and unkind things about us. And I continue to talk. And he talks to me. He knows she is listening. But he advises me. How to parent this. How to survive an autistic adolescent daughter. “Normal” adolescents suck. Autistic adolescents super suck. Except when they don’t. Because sometimes they don’t. My words, not Brads.

I told Brad that I have made a parenting mistake and I’m in the midst of trying to correct it. Well, I’ve made millions of parenting mistakes, but I’m working on correcting one in particular. My current situation is trying to stop doing everything for Izzy. I do far too much for her. I always have. I try to think ahead so we have every little thing she might need or want when we leave the house. I talk for her when she won’t. I fix every problem. I do it because social settings are hard for her. I do it to avoid anxiety for her. I do it because her fits are hard on me and everyone around us. I do it because I don’t want a fit or fight in public because they are horrible. I do it to make her life easier. And I used to think it also made my life easier.

It’s stressful though. Always trying to read every situation to avoid issues. Always trying to make everyone happy and comfortable. Always trying to think ahead about every possible scenario and how to navigate it all.

And it’s not good for Izzy.

So Izzy has lived a life where I have catered to her every whim. And now that she’s older and I realize what I’ve done and I need and want her to think for herself, problem solve for herself and be responsible for every thing she might need or want to have with her when we leave the house. She is often angry with me as a result. She wants the control and power that we’ve talked about before, in every situation. She wants to make demands that I immediately fulfill. And I want her to step up and take that on herself, while I take the role of helper. I want to offer help. And when she decides she wants or needs my help, I want her to ask me for the help and I will happily lend her a hand. I need to be her helper, not her do-er. I will step in and help sooner than the parent of a neurotypical kid might, I will absolutely still advocate hard for her. But I have to step back and give her the time and space to start doing some things for herself. As well as hold her to some standards of daily life….like chores and cleaning up after herself!

I recently had an intake interview with her new Medicaid Family Supports case manager. Her first question to me was: “what is your goal for Izzy as an adult?” My answer: “I want her to be able to be independent, live independently and do whatever will bring her joy and success.” Step #1….be a helper, not a do-er.

Brad will keep me accountable. Maybe you all will too.