We met with Brad last week. I miss seeing him face to face. There’s so much that happens in a therapy session that is so slight. A slight change in mood or body language or the energy in the room. And Brads good, but detecting those small changes is, understandably, difficult when doing therapy virtually. Especially with a kid who doesn’t love being in view of the camera.

We started out really good last session. Good moods, smiling and laughing. And then in the retelling of an interaction from the weekend, I ticked Izzy off and she completely shut down. And then just as quickly went into aggression and the monster in the room took over. The monster in the room sucked out all the good energy and the fresh oxygen and replaced it with anger and smog and poison. I saw the monster arrive. And I saw the monster take over Izzy. And I saw her anger and aggression grow. But I didn’t just see it. I 100% felt it too.

Brad tried to draw Iz in. He tried to get her to talk. She wouldn’t. I hate the quiet when he asks a question and she won’t answer. It’s so uncomfortable to me. But he tells me it’s ok. So I try to follow his lead. And when she won’t participate he has me talk. And I do. I’m sad and I feel like a failure…But I talk. And as we go on, she listen and mutters curse words and unkind things about us. And I continue to talk. And he talks to me. He knows she is listening. But he advises me. How to parent this. How to survive an autistic adolescent daughter. “Normal” adolescents suck. Autistic adolescents super suck. Except when they don’t. Because sometimes they don’t. My words, not Brads.

I told Brad that I have made a parenting mistake and I’m in the midst of trying to correct it. Well, I’ve made millions of parenting mistakes, but I’m working on correcting one in particular. My current situation is trying to stop doing everything for Izzy. I do far too much for her. I always have. I try to think ahead so we have every little thing she might need or want when we leave the house. I talk for her when she won’t. I fix every problem. I do it because social settings are hard for her. I do it to avoid anxiety for her. I do it because her fits are hard on me and everyone around us. I do it because I don’t want a fit or fight in public because they are horrible. I do it to make her life easier. And I used to think it also made my life easier.

It’s stressful though. Always trying to read every situation to avoid issues. Always trying to make everyone happy and comfortable. Always trying to think ahead about every possible scenario and how to navigate it all.

And it’s not good for Izzy.

So Izzy has lived a life where I have catered to her every whim. And now that she’s older and I realize what I’ve done and I need and want her to think for herself, problem solve for herself and be responsible for every thing she might need or want to have with her when we leave the house. She is often angry with me as a result. She wants the control and power that we’ve talked about before, in every situation. She wants to make demands that I immediately fulfill. And I want her to step up and take that on herself, while I take the role of helper. I want to offer help. And when she decides she wants or needs my help, I want her to ask me for the help and I will happily lend her a hand. I need to be her helper, not her do-er. I will step in and help sooner than the parent of a neurotypical kid might, I will absolutely still advocate hard for her. But I have to step back and give her the time and space to start doing some things for herself. As well as hold her to some standards of daily life….like chores and cleaning up after herself!

I recently had an intake interview with her new Medicaid Family Supports case manager. Her first question to me was: “what is your goal for Izzy as an adult?” My answer: “I want her to be able to be independent, live independently and do whatever will bring her joy and success.” Step #1….be a helper, not a do-er.

Brad will keep me accountable. Maybe you all will too.

I have had a stomach of anxiety now for a good 2 weeks. Sometimes it’s literally a upset stomach, somedays it’s an overall feeling of unease or unrest, somenights it’s laying in bed after letting Griffin out to potty at 1:30am running through lists in my head. But every day it’s anxiety of some sort.

We’ve merged onto a new road, seemingly an interstate. For the first time in my life as a parent, I am not in control of one of my kids’ next chapter. I think, other than just plain missing seeing his face on the daily, this will be the hardest thing for me to accept in terms of college. Jackson has the access, the correspondence, the responsibility to get everything done before his feet hit Purdue’s campus 8/15/2020. Uhh, wait – I’m not sure he’s responsible enough to do any of that! It’s such an unknown feeling for me, and I don’t think I’m handling it well! I need access, I need usernames and passwords, I need control!!! LOL

I really want to be the cool mom who just trusts that it will all get done, but that’s not in my wiring! I know that this really big, really special, really life changing event is hurtling my way and I want to do something to prepare! I sent his grad party invites out 5 weeks in advance because I needed to check something off my list! I have a list in my phone of things I want to have “on display” for his party. I have things for his dorm room waiting in my Amazon cart for the day I can hit “checkout.” I have lists in my head of things he should, and things he shouldn’t, take with him. I can’t wait until I can get rid of some of these lists! Yet at the same time I don’t want to check off my lists because I think this may be the last time I get to make some of these lists. We have raised such an independent, resourceful and smart young man, that he is standing on the edge of our nest about to jump out. How do those mama eagles let their eaglets just fly?

We have another new road ahead of us…we stand at the fork in the road and are going to be making a decision of which way to turn by August 1. Izzy has been accepted for a transfer to Hamilton Heights. She was completely against it when we first got the acceptance. But with this covid world we now live in, and the changes it may bring to a large school like Noblesville, we’ve put Heights back on the table. I need a school that will be in the classroom for Izzy, and it seems that’s more possible at Heights than Noblesville. We know nothing concrete at this time, but we have to make the decision that will make the most sense for Izzy and her strengths and weaknesses. She agreed to a tour, and so the principal of HHMS should be contacting us to get that done before too much longer. And I asked to be able to talk to the middle school TOR, as she would be on the frontlines of Izzy’s success or failure should we change schools. I am grateful for the opportunity to look at two programs and decide what will work best for our girl.

So for the foreseeable future, if you’re up at 1:30am, text me…I’m most certainly making a list, or checking it twice