So during the quarantine we bought a “hot tub.” And Izzy and I have been in it several times so far. Tonight was our first night hot tubbing and it was perfect. The water was amazing. The stars were shining bright. And the conversation was beyond anything we’ve had in awhile.

When Izzy was little, bedtime was when she would decompress about her day and verbally tell me things she would never say in the light of day. It’s when I got the good stuff. There were nights I would lay with her and once she talked herself to sleep I would run to my bedroom and write down as many things as I could remember her saying. Some for memories or her annual birthday letter, but most for her teacher or counselor. Little morsels of what was going on in her head. Things that might make her tomorrows a little easier or happier. She hasn’t done this in forever.

Tonight in the hot tub was one of those nights. She just started talking and didn’t stop. We talked about the quarantine and Elearning. She told me she didn’t mind Elearning now that we have a schedule because it doesn’t take near as long as school did and because I break it down and help her do it. She said school is tough because…wait for it Brad….because she has no power there. She has to do it their way and has no power to make them do it her way! They aren’t push overs (like mom) and they hold the control. Boom. There it is. She’s admitting what Brads been telling me. Home and elementary-we let her have as much power and/or control as she needs to get through things. We did/do things for her her way because it’s “just easier.” That’s not how life works and NWMS is showing her that and making her live that. It’s challenging her. It’s putting her way out of her comfort zone. It’s hard. It’s necessary. Wow.

She told me that she’s having intrusive thoughts again. These come and go for Izzy. She isn’t sure why they’re back, but I’m sure they will come and go for Izzy throughout her life. She hadn’t told me she was having them again and when I asked her why, she simply said “I think maybe because I didn’t want you to have to worry about me.” I worry about you every minute of every day. So share them. Please. I want to help. Or at least know.

We talked about Brad. And virtual therapy. It isn’t easy. I see brad trying his absolute best. But Izzy being hyper and active and not sitting and talking or Izzy shutting down in person is different than Izzy being distracted or shutting down in a virtual space where she can slide off camera and refuse to participate. She has so much trouble talking about her feelings. So some of this stuff we work on with Brad is just hard. It was hard before he left, it’s hard virtually. She wondered aloud if maybe she shouldn’t take her meds on a Brad day because she’s a lot less inhibited and more talkative off meds. I’m game if she and Brad are. We’ll see. One thing she was adamant about was she needs to keep seeing Brad.

We talked about Western medicine vs Alternative medicine. She’s been researching this. We talked about how I believe in practicing both, western medicine with meds and medical advances as well as meditation, acupuncture, cupping, reiki, and how I miss my chiropractor very much right now. Izzy likes how open my mind is on that even though I practice in a Western medicine medical practice.

We talked about how our life is about to change in a major way. About Jackson leaving. How life will be without him here every day. How his life will be at Purdue. About visiting him, missing him, finding their time together in his new world of college. I told her that while I mourn the things both of them have lost in this corona virus time, I also am trying hard to look at it as a gift from God. Where we can have extra time with each other, but maybe especially Jackson, that otherwise would be flying by us in a flurry of activity. I’m soaking up my extra time with Jackson.

We talked about Nana and how Nana knows so much about the stars and birds and history. She wondered what it would be like to just sit down and have a conversation with Nana. So, Nana, when quarantine is over you and Izzy need to have a conversation date. May I suggest you do it at night. In the hot tub. ❤️❤️