We’ve been really struggling of late. Izzy is a angsty preteen with new hormones making her autism and adhd and anxiety hella crazy. She goes to school and enjoys her friends, but argues and yells and curses and yesterday she flipped off a teacher! At the exact same time I was having a phone conference with her team teachers and her TOR, she was frustrated and annoyed with her IA and she flipped her off. Flipped her off! What the hell kid? I’m trying really hard to make school school and home home, but this crosses the line. She was expected to apologize today and was told she could do it via written note, email or in person. I expected an email…Shock the heck out of me…she did it in person with her words!

We are delving deep in therapy into Izzys reactive emotions, her anger, and her behavior guilt. I can guarantee she flipped her teacher off automatically out of sheer frustration and that part of our brains that says “don’t do it-think about the consequences” was silenced by the frustration. And then her guilt came, and by the time I got home from work, she had pulled so fiercely that her head was bleeding. She has never (that I know of) made herself bleed while pulling. It was a fierce guilt session for her. And while I’m disappointed in her behavior, it beaks my heart that she did that to herself.

There are many days of late where I just want to bury my head in my hands and either scream or cry or sleep! I’m trying hard to share parenting in Izzy’s journey with Todd…we’re doing much better…I’m trying hard to be structured as well as nurturing…That structure part is hard because it makes her angry and she lashes out at me, but in the moment I often hear Brad in my head saying “it’s ok-you’re doing great” and “give her the control when appropriate but also a consequence for certain decisions” Like tonight…I can’t make you go to dance, but if you choose not to you will not have your phone during the three hours of dance. And guess what? She’s at dance.

I’ve been a passenger on the emotional rollercoaster she’s been on these past several weeks. I’m exhausted. Emotionally and mentally and physically. When my phone rings and it says NWMS, I want to throw it. I’d really like to get off the rollercoaster, but I know that she cannot take the ride by herself. I’m in it for the long, hilly, motion sick, puke-inducing ride! Lol