Todd and I met with Brad today. I wanted to spend a couple sessions with him before he leaves where we can discuss parenting Izzy through these peaks and valleys of her early middle school years. He talked us through where we are and where and how we need to walk together to meet her in the hard. And in that discussion he said “together you have to both embrace the anger she has when she has it (give nurture) AND have consequences for those actions as appropriate (have structure).” And we must “Find the function of the dysfunction.” See Izzy uses her anger to put herself in a position of power and control. That’s the function of the dysfunction for her. Brad has seen it from Day 1. I have fallen victim to it for years and years, in this negative feedback loop that Izzy and I have perfected like a waltz. How is it that a child could figure all of that out and execute it from such a young age and Todd and I struggle to manage it. As Brad said and we’ve always known “she’s beyond smart and she’s a survivor.”

It’s hard to believe that a baby, given to adoptive parents at 20 minutes old, would ever have “adoption trauma.” But it is a very true and very real thing and it is what often times drives Izzys anger, her need for power and/or control of the situations she is in. There have been times that Izzy will push and defy and yell until it seems we all are about to break…and in those moments she is seeing how far she can push us to see if we will keep her. It’s a heartbreaking adoption reality, but reality just the same. No matter how many times we tell her she belongs, she questions…but we will continue, every minute of every day if that’s what it takes.

At the end of every session we’ve ever had with Brad, he has us look at each other and ask the other for what we need in order to move forward on the path he’s led us down that day. And today when it was my turn, I asked Todd for help in sticking with the structure and consequences we set for/with Izzy, as nurturing is more my style. I asked for grace when I fail and I asked Todd, and God, for help in reminding me that I don’t have to do all the hard parenting, the work on the home front, the worry by myself. And as I asked for that, Brad whispered (it will help you not be constantly so tired). And I realized in that moment that he is so, so right. I have to share the burden of parenting Izzy. I can’t learn the lessons of therapy and OT and keep them from Todd. I have to give him some of my burden. That whisper from Brad, was a beacon from God. Hear and abide and it will go a long way in helping you not be so mentally, physically and emotionally/spiritually exhausted.

Brad is also working through some tough things with Izzy. Her recent attitude at school, her wondering about her own mental health and where and what it will lead to, and maybe toughest of all is his imminent relocation. We have definitely decided to stay with Brad, using virtual therapy. He showed Izzy how that will work at her session yesterday. And today we discussed if Brad truly thinks it will be successful. He admitted it will take everything he has to make it work-to keep her engaged, to keep the relationship they have thriving-but he’s excited by the challenge. He is an amazing man of God, therapist, blessing to our family. I pray he is successful in this challenge that lies ahead of us…that he and Izzy can continue their journey together. Pray that prayer with me, will you…