We’ve been really struggling of late. Izzy is a angsty preteen with new hormones making her autism and adhd and anxiety hella crazy. She goes to school and enjoys her friends, but argues and yells and curses and yesterday she flipped off a teacher! At the exact same time I was having a phone conference with her team teachers and her TOR, she was frustrated and annoyed with her IA and she flipped her off. Flipped her off! What the hell kid? I’m trying really hard to make school school and home home, but this crosses the line. She was expected to apologize today and was told she could do it via written note, email or in person. I expected an email…Shock the heck out of me…she did it in person with her words!

We are delving deep in therapy into Izzys reactive emotions, her anger, and her behavior guilt. I can guarantee she flipped her teacher off automatically out of sheer frustration and that part of our brains that says “don’t do it-think about the consequences” was silenced by the frustration. And then her guilt came, and by the time I got home from work, she had pulled so fiercely that her head was bleeding. She has never (that I know of) made herself bleed while pulling. It was a fierce guilt session for her. And while I’m disappointed in her behavior, it beaks my heart that she did that to herself.

There are many days of late where I just want to bury my head in my hands and either scream or cry or sleep! I’m trying hard to share parenting in Izzy’s journey with Todd…we’re doing much better…I’m trying hard to be structured as well as nurturing…That structure part is hard because it makes her angry and she lashes out at me, but in the moment I often hear Brad in my head saying “it’s ok-you’re doing great” and “give her the control when appropriate but also a consequence for certain decisions” Like tonight…I can’t make you go to dance, but if you choose not to you will not have your phone during the three hours of dance. And guess what? She’s at dance.

I’ve been a passenger on the emotional rollercoaster she’s been on these past several weeks. I’m exhausted. Emotionally and mentally and physically. When my phone rings and it says NWMS, I want to throw it. I’d really like to get off the rollercoaster, but I know that she cannot take the ride by herself. I’m in it for the long, hilly, motion sick, puke-inducing ride! Lol

“Our” blog has become more than just our trich journey….although I think Izzys entire life journey can be described by “Its Trichy in here” because she’s so layered-funny, mean, quirky, quiet, anxious, loving, defiant, smart. I ask her weekly if she wants to write, she usually says “no, but tell them this…” I forgot to put bossy on that list! Tonight she said “tell them about the sandwiches we built with Brad! I was on fire with mine!”

Iz seemed off yesterday. She was talking/working with Brad, but she was struggling with most of their conversation. And I had complained to him last week about Izzys anger with our new structured homework strategy, but I just wasn’t in the mindset to talk that out last night, I didn’t want to deal with her anger. So Brad switched gears. And had us do a sandwich intervention.

One compliment, one complaint, one compliment.

It sounds easy. It’s not. And when you do it with an unfocused, squirrely, autistic, adhd kid who’s medicine is on hour 10, brace yourself for what you’re about to get! She wasn’t sure she could come up with compliments to give me, I think the best one she gave me was “I like the way your heart beats” (to which Todd later said at least it wasn’t a complaint!). Try this exercise sometime with a friend or family member. Sit facing each other and give one compliment, one complaint and one compliment. It opens your eyes to how easy it is to complain, but hard to truly compliment

When we got home last night, Izzy retreated into her space and I made her dinner. I played a little roblox with her, to show her I’m interested in the things she likes…and she complained the whole time about how much I suck at roblox. And then we had to do homework. She was mean and angry and defiant when I told her to put her phone away for homework. She complained that it was a day off and she shouldn’t have to do homework. Sorry kid. I stuck to my guns and we got it done. Then she whined and complained because she had to take a shower (“I don’t smell, Mom!”… “Are you sure about that Iz?”)

When bedtime finally rolled around, I felt exhausted and beat up. Even though we laughed a lot at therapy tonight, even though in the moment I wasn’t offended by her ridiculous surface compliments and her (in my mind) silly complaints, I felt like I’d been through battle by the time we were settling into our bedtime routine. I wanted to tell her how annoyed I was. I wanted to complain. And then, as I was packing her school bag and clearing out all of the clutter, I found this gem… a school paper from Friday where apparently they were to make some drawings. And the only thing she had completed was the “your choice” square where she’s drawn a big red heart and wrote i ❤️ mom. And just like that I felt 110% better. My tough middle school “edgy” girl had drawn this in class. I sat down next to her nearly sleeping body and whispered in her ear “in the good and the bad, I love you more than ice cream and gummy bears, and I believe God made you for me and that you are the most beautiful, smart and brave person I’ve ever met.”

No complaint. Just a whole bunch of from my heart compliments. Thanks for the sandwich intervention, Brad.❣️

Todd and I met with Brad today. I wanted to spend a couple sessions with him before he leaves where we can discuss parenting Izzy through these peaks and valleys of her early middle school years. He talked us through where we are and where and how we need to walk together to meet her in the hard. And in that discussion he said “together you have to both embrace the anger she has when she has it (give nurture) AND have consequences for those actions as appropriate (have structure).” And we must “Find the function of the dysfunction.” See Izzy uses her anger to put herself in a position of power and control. That’s the function of the dysfunction for her. Brad has seen it from Day 1. I have fallen victim to it for years and years, in this negative feedback loop that Izzy and I have perfected like a waltz. How is it that a child could figure all of that out and execute it from such a young age and Todd and I struggle to manage it. As Brad said and we’ve always known “she’s beyond smart and she’s a survivor.”

It’s hard to believe that a baby, given to adoptive parents at 20 minutes old, would ever have “adoption trauma.” But it is a very true and very real thing and it is what often times drives Izzys anger, her need for power and/or control of the situations she is in. There have been times that Izzy will push and defy and yell until it seems we all are about to break…and in those moments she is seeing how far she can push us to see if we will keep her. It’s a heartbreaking adoption reality, but reality just the same. No matter how many times we tell her she belongs, she questions…but we will continue, every minute of every day if that’s what it takes.

At the end of every session we’ve ever had with Brad, he has us look at each other and ask the other for what we need in order to move forward on the path he’s led us down that day. And today when it was my turn, I asked Todd for help in sticking with the structure and consequences we set for/with Izzy, as nurturing is more my style. I asked for grace when I fail and I asked Todd, and God, for help in reminding me that I don’t have to do all the hard parenting, the work on the home front, the worry by myself. And as I asked for that, Brad whispered (it will help you not be constantly so tired). And I realized in that moment that he is so, so right. I have to share the burden of parenting Izzy. I can’t learn the lessons of therapy and OT and keep them from Todd. I have to give him some of my burden. That whisper from Brad, was a beacon from God. Hear and abide and it will go a long way in helping you not be so mentally, physically and emotionally/spiritually exhausted.

Brad is also working through some tough things with Izzy. Her recent attitude at school, her wondering about her own mental health and where and what it will lead to, and maybe toughest of all is his imminent relocation. We have definitely decided to stay with Brad, using virtual therapy. He showed Izzy how that will work at her session yesterday. And today we discussed if Brad truly thinks it will be successful. He admitted it will take everything he has to make it work-to keep her engaged, to keep the relationship they have thriving-but he’s excited by the challenge. He is an amazing man of God, therapist, blessing to our family. I pray he is successful in this challenge that lies ahead of us…that he and Izzy can continue their journey together. Pray that prayer with me, will you…