You couldn’t pay me enough money to make me be willing to relive the middle school years. Although I think you relive them in a way as your children travel through those years. And maybe it’s harder when it’s your kid…Izzy doesn’t make friends easily. She doesn’t keep good friends because she’s a different and sometimes difficult kid. So when she found Noah this school year and talked about him often and talked to him via FaceTime frequently and I heard laughter and fun, I was excited for her. But then as I spoke with his mom and overheard (maybe listened in is a better description) to their conversations, I realized that he had major depressive issues, he had anger issues, and as an adopted kiddo as well – he had major trauma he was experiencing as a result of poor decisions by his birth father.

I heard him telling her all his issues, wanting her to be his source of calm. Almost his counselor. And she tried. Bless her heart she tried.

She went home with him after a school event a few weeks ago and when she got back to our house afterward she told me she needed a break from Noah. That he was wanting to move much faster than she did, he was always there and she just needed some space. Here’s what people don’t know about people with autism, adhd, anxiety and/or depression… remember, she has all 4…it takes nearly everything they have to get through an “easy or typical day” where no one asks any extra of them. And it takes more than 100% effort to get through a day where someone else sucks your emotional energy out of you for their benefit/need. Before fall break, Izzy was tired, and anxious, pulling a lot and had lost focus on her schoolwork.

Over Fall Break Izzy didn’t talk to Noah at all. She didn’t want to. She didn’t miss him. And on the weekend before break was over she came to me with teary eyes and said she needed to stop talking to Noah and couldn’t be his girlfriend because she couldn’t handle his issues and it was making her life worse. What self-awareness! I was/am so proud of her for realizing this and for making a decision that, while difficult, is what’s best for herself. I frequently tell her that throughout her life she always needs to put herself first. It seems she listens and learns!

Noah tried to call Izzy at least 20 times on Sunday afternoon into Monday. And when she didn’t answer, he texted. She was anxious to see him at school. Physically sick over it. Yesterday Izzy had self-harm thoughts. Serious self-harm thoughts. And she reached out to me for help. How blessed am I that she trusts me enough to share those things with me So that I have the opportunity to help her. I rushed home from work (thank God I have a job where they let me put my family first) and I sat with her. Held her hand, hugged her, listened and comforted. She was so so sad. While I didn’t care for Noah, she did. And while I was happy to see him go, she lost him. She made a decision to help herself, but a decision that caused her to lose a very important person in her life. And I realized that she didn’t know how to cope with that. She had no tools to use. She was telling herself that she was stupid and dumb and a horrible person and she shouldn’t go on.

I turned to Izzys psychiatrist and her OT/speech specialists. And wow did her OT come through in a major way. Vicki and Izzy and I laid in the spot in the gym where Izzy was most comfortable and Vicki worked her magic. Izzy was curled in a ball at first and wouldn’t talk. About half way through she stretched out straight but hid her head. Vicki talked, she listened, she let Izzy cry, she gave wonderful strategies and tools for Izzy to use. She showed Izzy through the use of our animals who have passed away that the first loss we experience (of anything) is devastating and sad and anxiety causing but that each time it happens a it gets easier. And the same will happen with break ups and heartbreak. And she told Izzy that her brain and her stupid puberty hormones are telling her that she made a bad decision and she shouldn’t go on but in reality she did the best thing she could have done-she made the smartest decision she could make because she put herself first. Before we left, Izzy was sitting up, talking candidly. Vicki helped Izzy find her smile again and laughter rang for the first time in a couple days. Vicki helped my girl see the light, at least for today, and she made a huge difference to me and Iz. I thank God he brought Tatia back into my life and that through her and Vicki’s gifts, my girl benefits so greatly. If anyone needs therapy for their autistic, or sensory child… A Work In Progress in Beech Grove is 110% our recommendation.

We hurt when our kids hurt. We try to shield them from pain, but we can’t. And honestly we’re doing our kids a disservice if we do shield them from pain and disappointment and even failure. We learn how to survive life, be functional adults, from the lessons we learn in our childhood. It hurts like hell when you’re going through it, but each hard experience can make the next one just a little easier. I pray Izzy heard what myself, her teacher of record, Dr Kledzik and especially what Vicki said to her today…because she’s gonna need those lessons next time. And we all know there will be a next time.

Raising a glass (maybe a bottle) of wine to middle school heartache tonight.