You think things are going along really well, you feel confident and happy and like “she’s got this-we’re making progress” and then boom… mental illness rears its ugly ugly head.

Mental illness is always there-I know that. But it’s been quiet for awhile. It reared it’s ugly head this past weekend for Iz. So much so that she hasn’t been to school the last two days and we saw her psychiatrist today. Pulling is off the charts again. Dark thoughts infiltrate her mind almost constantly. Anxiety is at a 8/10 or 10/10 and then falls to a 1 or 2….but ramps back up without warning. I feel like I have to send her back to school, but I don’t think they’re prepared or knowledgeable enough about her to help her. I feel like I need to tell them everything, but I also feel like red flags and warnings iwill go up and labels might be flung in her direction. I don’t feel she’s a threat to herself or others, neither does her psychiatrist…but we live in a day and age where outsiders might…People who don’t know her might. And people at a school where the worst happened not that long ago might jump to conclusions or not give her a chance to explain a comment or thought.

And so I feel alone. Just her and me on an island. Todd isn’t on our island-he’s rarely home to be on our island. And I don’t want to put Jackson on our island…he has so much going on right now with Eagle Scout, Marching Band and College apps. So Iz and I are floating on the island trying to navigate our way through the loneliness of mental illness.

I don’t write all of this for sympathy. This blog is kind of a therapy for me. I write it because we oftentimes paint a picture to the public of a perfect and happy life. But none of our lives are perfect. And mental illness is hard, whether it effects you directly or through someone you love deeply, it’s hard. And knowing when to ask for help, when to keep your mouth closed, when to change meds or get counseling or sit down and cry seems a crap shoot some days. I wouldn’t trade my girl for anything. But I’d trade anything to give her an easier life.

We’re three weeks into middle school. On the whole, it’s all still going great. A few hiccups (not bringing homework home, talking in class, shopping amazon for sleep masks instead of researching for class) but she’s still doing amazing. I have an IEP meeting Thursday to discuss the recommendation for both paper and electronic work and hope to question her Teacher of Record as to her performance in classes. Miss Marsh is in 3 of her core classes and a different IA in the 4th. And we get a daily behavior log, which is awesome. But I always have questions! I always want more info!

She decided to wear a blonde wig Wednesday instead of the wig we picked as her school wig. I resisted, not wanting some unknowing Or uncaring middle schooler making an unkind comment to or about her. But she responded to my resistance with “Seriously mom, I can handle whatever happens” and what more could I say except ok. She had a good day btw…some kids asked her about it but it seems only with curiosity nothing more.

She also made her way through a major disappointment this week. She had been planning on auditioning for the school musical. I don’t know if she was prepared, she got annoyed every time I asked (stop nagging mom) so I stopped asking. But after school on audition day, she forgot and got on the bus and headed home. She was so upset when she realized what she’d done, so I rushed home (thank God I have a flexible job) and took her over to the school. I could feel her anxiety. And she got out of the car, walked to the door and then turned around and came back to the car. She realized she had max anxiety and didn’t really have it in herself to power through. What a moment!

The first change made to her IEP by her teacher of record was an observation. “Izzy has several friends she likes to spend time with and be social with.” That may seem like no big deal to some of our readers… but it’s HUGE!! Iz has never easily made friends. Iz has never had had more than one good friend (we love Delainey) she doesn’t go to hang out with friends, been invited to a sleepover (she wouldn’t do it anyway) and she doesn’t get invited to birthday parties. So to hear that she has several friends she likes to spend time with and to hear it only three weeks into the school year is so wonderful!

The other big thing Ms Marsh has seen in the three weeks of MS is that “Izzy is realizing when she’s uncomfortable or when she needs help and she’s emailing me for assistance.” Another Big Win!

Her pulling is still minimal compared to a few months ago. Pictures are one month ago on the left and this week on the right!

this kid has amazed me her entire life. But this last three weeks she has far exceeded all expectations I had for her. Thank you God!

Izzy has made it through 6 days of middle school. The most amazing, happy, relaxed 6 days of school I can remember since maybe kindergarten. Maybe I think that just because middle school seemed such a daunting change and I expected days filled with tears and anxiety and calls from teachers, counselors and the nurse. I guess I don’t put a lot of faith into my girl. Maybe it’s all the therapy clicking right now; maybe it’s new meds; maybe it’s growth and maturation; maybe it’s God. Maybe it’s all the things working together. Doesn’t matter. She’s in a great place right now.

I’ve been driving her to school and there’s never a moments hesitation when we arrive for her to jump out of the car, blow me a kiss or hold my hand for just a few seconds, and head confidently into that school. It gives me this feeling of elation every morning. My girl is doing it! And not only doing it, but doing it with confidence.

She loves her new teachers! Math is fun, science is great, choir is out of this world. I’ve not gotten a single complaint from her. She’s actually done some of her homework IN CLASS! That’s unheard of for Izzy!

I hear about some old friends, but I also hear some new names. Again, awesome. She went to a callout for tennis and she plans to go to the callout for the Drama Club on Monday…Beyond my wildest dreams for her.

I have had several close friends wonder aloud if she’s being so successful because she needed a change. She needed a little freedom, a little challenge, someplace new to exercise her mind, new peers who didn’t have preconceived thoughts of Izzy. Maybe that’s it. I don’t know, probably never will.

She is still pulling. She has about 4 hot spots. But she’s not pulling as much or as often. She sometimes replaces pulling with pushing on that area of her head. She always comes to me after she’s been pulling and “confesses” to her pulling session.

She still takes Bearbear to class with her. I tried my best to have her keep Bearbear in one of her many purses I bought her, but as of now no one has made fun of her and Bearbear and if that day comes, I’m sure between Iz and her teachers or IAs, it will be handled appropriately. She has however taken to one wig for school. Her HCK wig. So we don’t have to worry about the hair question from peers who don’t know her.

She had a six week med check with Dr. Kledzik today. She answered all the questions herself and gave good honest answers. Things are so much better right now that we don’t have to make any changes! And maybe the coolest part of the appointment… Izzy has grown 1 inch and gained 8lbs in the past 6 weeks!! What?!?!

I am in awe of my girl every day. She fights battles no one sees or knows about. And she still succeeds and smiles and laughs. She is my hero.

Any of you who have read my blog know how anxious we have been about Izzy going to Middle School. For over a year it was my #1 back of mind worry. I’ve worked really hard over the past several years to live in the moment…not days, weeks or months down the road. But I was not good at that when it came to middle school and Izzy. At the same time I was trying to cope with Jackson entering his Senior year at NHS and leaving for college soon. I worried so much. I would pray and give the worry to God at night, and then take it back the next day. And their 5th & 11th grades seemed to fly by in the blink of an eye.

We spent the summer visiting colleges and I can now picture Jackson being at some of them, living his best life. We spent the summer preparing for MS with OT/Speech and trying a new adhd med. and I saw growth and happiness and the “real” Izzy bursting out in a managed, but free-ier way. And we spent the summer quietly and comfortably at home, cancelling all summer camps to allow Izzy the anxiety free summer she needed. And the 8weeks of summer flew by in another blink of the eye.

And we landed on the doorstep of Middle School and Senior year. I asked for prayers and man did our village pray. They prayed us right into a peaceful, calm and happy Day 1.

Izzy surprised me with only slight anxiety in the morning. She didn’t want to get up, but she’s slept until 11 or 12 most mornings of summer. She mentioned her tummy hurt, but didn’t seem to dwell on it. She got dressed, put her wig on, make up on, and headed out the door without a moment of panic or angst. I didn’t see even the thought of pulling hair. Amazing. The only moment of panic I saw was at the bus stop when the bus pulled up and she looked at me just like a deer in headlights. I just handed her her Backpack, told her to have an amazing day and kissed her head. And she got on that bus like a boss!

It was quite possibly the longest morning of my life. I panicked just a bit when my Life 360 app told me she had arrived at school. Thanks to my friend, Christina, for easing me off that ledge! I pictured what she was doing, where she was, prayed for success with that darn locker. I think I checked my email and phone about 252 times in the 4 hours of the morning. And then she emailed me! A quick little email: “Hi Mom! I’m having a great day! I did have a panic attack but now I’m great! I love you!” That was the best gift God could have given me! What an amazing feeling. What an answered prayer.

She was still excited when I got home from work. She actually told me about her day, things she did, successes she had, that moment of panic (a broken fingernail down into the quick sending her to the nurse after she ASKED her IA for help!) and how she ate IN the cafeteria with two good friends WITHOUT her headphones!

I honestly don’t think she could have had a better first day. Some early success, a little bit of adversity and then more success, friends and fun. God is so good! I know every day won’t be the win that today was. But we’re living in today’s moments, not tomorrow’s!