Day 1 of the 2019 4H fair is over. A day of highs and lows. A blue ribbon for fine art and cake baking, a blue with honors for crafts and a Reserve Grand Champion for Health Family emergency kit! She was flying high this morning.

And then it was Llama Pack Obstacle. And the anxiety started. She was sick to her stomach. But she got control of it while the Seniors showed, she got ready. Boots on, wig on, Nutter Butter harnessed and lead on. Nutter Butter tied to the gate and waiting. And then it came roaring back. Fast. Hard. She started getting angry, didn’t want me to talk. Didn’t want me to be silent. Didn’t want me there but wouldn’t let me leave. Doesn’t want me to touch her. And doesn’t like any idea I have. This is where I struggle most and it’s also where Izzy needs me to be able to have my shit together most. It sucks. So so much.

This is when Izzy goes from frustrated to angry to raging in 2.2seconds. We call it IITARBSA in therapy (Izzy is ticked and raging because she’s anxious).

This is when Izzy curses. This is when Izzy throws things and calls me words I would have never thought about calling my mom. This is where I have to close my eyes, take a deep breath and say a prayer. See it gets worse if I cry. She hates it when I cry. She knows I’m crying because of her and it makes everything worse. But I’m a crier. Always have been; Always will be. I’ve gotten better at taking my emotion out of the situation so I’m kind of numb. But not today. I wanted this for her so badly. I wanted her to go out in that show ring and strut her stuff with Nutter Butter. It physically hurt me that she couldn’t make herself do it.

The llama seniors who know Izzy well had Nutter waiting for her at the gate and the llama leader tried everything to get Izzy to do the course. But we couldn’t help her. She was gone into a place I have never been in my own mind and where I cannot reach her to make things bearable for her.

So she didn’t show today. I know it’s not the end of the world. I know many of you think “so what” it’s not that big of a deal. But for Izzy, she’s been working toward this for a year. And her crappy anxiety took it from her.

Within minutes of leaving the barn, she was sorrowful and apologetic. I couldn’t accept her apologies for the words and name calling immediately–she really hurt me with that today. Maybe embarrassed is a better way to put it. But we went our separate ways for a couple hours this evening at the fair and came back together tonight with love and hugs and a fresh start. She repeatedly told me how sorry she was…Don’t be sorry to me baby girl–don’t be sorry to anyone. You fight battles daily that most adults I know couldn’t, or wouldn’t, fight. You lost this one…but you’ll come back at it tomorrow and we’ll plan better, fight harder and we’ll win. Together.