We made it through the hottest fair I can remember although the rain Sunday evening brought us the most beautiful rainbow followed by a much cooler last day of fair. 4H is something most of my friends don’t really understand. They didn’t grow up with it or they grew out of it. But I find it so important for my kids and our family. The responsibility of raising animals, the pride in showing them, the friends they have met and skills they have built. How many HS Senior guys can bake a pie from scratch? How many 11 year old girls get to spend hours each week caring for, training and loving on llamas? It’s such an amazing program and if your kids aren’t involved I highly recommend looking into it!

Izzy had an overall great fair. Yes, we had a major anxiety attack on day one in the llama barn and couldn’t do the pack obstacle; no she didn’t do showmanship because she just couldn’t make herself get up and do it. But she did two other obstacle courses, she participated in and talked to the public during Walk A Llama and she did morning chores. She showed her rabbits, with help from Bubby and got a Best of Breed with one of her Mini Satins.

And she pulled. Quite a bit. She hasn’t had a bald spot in months. She has three now at the end of fair. But we still look at the positives… she’s not pulling like she did. She’s making progress.

She gets her next HCK’s wig on Friday. She’s looking forward to getting it; and plans on it being her primary school wig. We talked how middle school is so different from her world at North and how she’s gonna be around many many new kids who don’t know her or her trich, so wearing a neutral hair color wig all the time at school will probably be a great idea. I’m also encouraging Bearbear staying at home, but she’s not giving in on that one.

So we now coast through the rest of this week. Meet Izzys teachers and find her locker on Monday and we’re knocking on the door to the 2019/2020 school year.

As in Izzys daily life we had an up, down, in between day. But mostly up. I drug her (almost literally) out of bed this morning to get to Llama Showmanship and when we arrived just outside the barn, Izzy decided she couldn’t do it. So we headed back to the car and back toward home. She was tired, she was anxious and let’s be honest… showmanship sucks! It’s boring and hard and she has to talk with the judge and that’s intimidating. I was grateful to her for deciding before we even went into the barn. And I was proud of myself for accepting her decision with no angst. Winning.

We went back home and she slept for 3 hours. She obviously made a good decision!

When we headed back we got to meet up with a fellow trich friend. A beautiful little girl who is bald like Izzy and who Izzy has gotten to know thanks to a Facebook support group us moms are in. They saw the rabbits, all of izzys projects, and joined us to watch Izzy in the llama obstacle class and her cat show. What a treat!

Today’s llama obstacle class was tough. A couple obstacles that Nutter Butter doesn’t like and one Izzy doesn’t like. They did a good job, worked together, even went first in her class. She shines out there, even when they have a rough course. It’s one of my favorite things to watch-her working through a tough obstacle or a refusal or enjoying an obstacle that goes perfect. And a unexpected positive out of Thursday’s pretty public meltdown and anxiety attack is that a number of llama kids AND parents now know us, know Izzys issues and have become very supportive of both Izzy and me. It’s refreshing.

Izzy and Jake showed in the cat show this afternoon. Jake may not be the cat show kind of cat…he apparently spent his time before his turn determining the best escape route. And he sure tried his best to make it out of there! I laughed until I cried and Izzy didn’t get upset or frustrated. She simply said “Well… that was embarrassing.” Classic Izzy.

Tomorrow Izzy shows Snowflake the Hedgehog in the pocket pet show and of course barn duty for llamas. A more relaxing day should lay ahead for us. Only two days left.

Today was a vastly different day from yesterday. We were up early for 730am llama chore duty and I knew when we got to the fair and Izzy jumped out of the car and headed to the barn without me that we had a different outlook on today. Thank God.

The rabbit show was today. The nice thing (for me) with the rabbit show is that since I’m not a leader, I technically can’t go in the barn, so Izzy has to rely on herself, Jackson, the leaders and other rabbit kids. It’s a mixed bag for me if I’m honest: I can’t help the kids, but I also really want to know that the kids are preparing and ready to get their rabbits to the show tables!

Both kids did great. Each got a best in breed! So that was fun! And Izzy took her two DQ’s in stride without being upset. And her amazing 2nd/3rd grade teacher came to see her which always brings a smile to her face. Izzys Llama obstacle for today was scheduled for about 4pm. We left the fair for awhile to get some lunch and cool down. And we returned about 3:30. She put Nutters harness on him, told me she was nervous and then went to do the walk through with the rest of the beginner group. While she did that, I leashed up Nutter and walked him to the show shoot. She grabbed his leash, got in line and hugged his neck… whispering to him to help her get through the course. And ya know what? He did just that. He did everything she asked of him and they were an awesome team! I think the best part of the whole thing…the whoops and hollers, the clapping and cheering from so many when they finished. And Marilyn and Aubrie meeting her at the finish to tell her how proud they were. And the smile and palpable relief pouring off Izzy.

She ended her evening helping with being able to feed the cria a bottle. And she volunteered for the public event for Walk a Llama. She interacted with people she didn’t know!

What a difference a day makes for anyone, but especially a little girl with autism and adhd and anxiety. Look at that picture of Izzy and Nutter Butter up top…look at NBs face…I swear he’s smiling for his girl.

Day 1 of the 2019 4H fair is over. A day of highs and lows. A blue ribbon for fine art and cake baking, a blue with honors for crafts and a Reserve Grand Champion for Health Family emergency kit! She was flying high this morning.

And then it was Llama Pack Obstacle. And the anxiety started. She was sick to her stomach. But she got control of it while the Seniors showed, she got ready. Boots on, wig on, Nutter Butter harnessed and lead on. Nutter Butter tied to the gate and waiting. And then it came roaring back. Fast. Hard. She started getting angry, didn’t want me to talk. Didn’t want me to be silent. Didn’t want me there but wouldn’t let me leave. Doesn’t want me to touch her. And doesn’t like any idea I have. This is where I struggle most and it’s also where Izzy needs me to be able to have my shit together most. It sucks. So so much.

This is when Izzy goes from frustrated to angry to raging in 2.2seconds. We call it IITARBSA in therapy (Izzy is ticked and raging because she’s anxious).

This is when Izzy curses. This is when Izzy throws things and calls me words I would have never thought about calling my mom. This is where I have to close my eyes, take a deep breath and say a prayer. See it gets worse if I cry. She hates it when I cry. She knows I’m crying because of her and it makes everything worse. But I’m a crier. Always have been; Always will be. I’ve gotten better at taking my emotion out of the situation so I’m kind of numb. But not today. I wanted this for her so badly. I wanted her to go out in that show ring and strut her stuff with Nutter Butter. It physically hurt me that she couldn’t make herself do it.

The llama seniors who know Izzy well had Nutter waiting for her at the gate and the llama leader tried everything to get Izzy to do the course. But we couldn’t help her. She was gone into a place I have never been in my own mind and where I cannot reach her to make things bearable for her.

So she didn’t show today. I know it’s not the end of the world. I know many of you think “so what” it’s not that big of a deal. But for Izzy, she’s been working toward this for a year. And her crappy anxiety took it from her.

Within minutes of leaving the barn, she was sorrowful and apologetic. I couldn’t accept her apologies for the words and name calling immediately–she really hurt me with that today. Maybe embarrassed is a better way to put it. But we went our separate ways for a couple hours this evening at the fair and came back together tonight with love and hugs and a fresh start. She repeatedly told me how sorry she was…Don’t be sorry to me baby girl–don’t be sorry to anyone. You fight battles daily that most adults I know couldn’t, or wouldn’t, fight. You lost this one…but you’ll come back at it tomorrow and we’ll plan better, fight harder and we’ll win. Together.

The psychiatrist visit at the end of June brought Izzy a change in meds. A non-stimulant med to see if it helps with the trich, while managing the adhd, trying to increase her appetite and giving her an opportunity to be more herself. She’s been on it for two and a half weeks now; wehad to slowly dose up to her therapeutic level, and the dr warned the first few weeks might be tough. But honestly, these past couple weeks have been refreshing.

Pulling has been the least it’s been since October. She’s eating…like she actually says “I’m hungry” and she is more social!

Yesterday was a bad pulling day. She pulled three small spots bald yesterday. She can’t tell me why yesterday was worse-but I can guess. The 4H fair is two days away. School is two weeks away. She’s starting to feel anxious. But also excited…and that excited part is what we’re choosing to focus on.

OT/Speech is going really well. She’s learning how to express herself, she’s labeling emotions, she’s starting to talk and think through the situation she finds herself in instead of jumping right into panic mode. We are finding some strategies to use in school. It’s been a great experience so far and Izzy loves it!

So keep her in your prayers over the next couple weeks leading us through 4H and into the start of school!

We’re off to show those rabbits, llamas, cat and hedgehog!!!