We have 4 days of school left until summer vacation. 4 days left of elementary. 4 days left of the known. She’s been really positive about leaving North and heading to middle school. But then we had her big 5th grade field trip on Friday and being on this field trip we’ve talked about since the beginning of the year she has realized the end of 5th grade is here. And her stomach is hurting and her pulling is frequent. Breaks my heart. She was doing so well. But it’s just a valley.

I expect this summer to be full of peaks and valleys. To be honest, we have peaks and valleys in the course of every day. She has quiet days at home, swimming with no hair (it’s fine in a hotel-I wonder how she’ll do at our community pool), Llama Jamboree, College visits with Bubby, Conner Prairie camps, 4H Fair all ahead of her this summer, and possibly the largest transition of her life at the end of all of that.

But first, 4 last days of 5th grade. Tuesday holds Careers on wheels, Wednesday is Field Day (she hates field day LOL!), Thursday is awards day and walking the halls of North and Friday the kickball tourney and 5th grade party. It’s a fun filled week. Let’s pray she can enjoy it

I leaned over to pick something up this morning and when I rose up, apparently with the force of a herd of elephants, I cracked my head on the corner of our mule chest, causing an inch long “gash” on my scalp. I remember dropping to the floor thinking I might pass out and reaching up to see what I did and pulling my hand away to see it covered in blood. I didn’t scream and I didn’t cry…I didn’t even curse! But I did bleed. And bleed and bleed. And I also scared Izzy more than she’s maybe ever been scared.

I realized a little too late that this was a situation that her Autistic and Anxiety ridden brain couldn’t handle. She literally panicked, but also kept her head enough to think maybe she should call 911. I talked her out of that, opting to call my Dad and Mom instead. And I realized, as my scalp was bleeding more than I’ve ever experienced, that I had to keep my cool because my girl wasn’t able to keep hers. How would I have felt at 11 if my mom was bleeding from the head and I was the only other person home at the time. I would have panicked and I don’t have any of the issues Izzy has! I told her I was going to go downstairs to call my boss, and wait on nana and papa. She screamed at me to just “go to the damn hospital!” I tried to keep our morning rolling by making her some breakfast and calling her to come downstairs to which she screamed “maybe I would if you’d go to the damn hospital!”

After my head was taken care of, and my mom and dad headed back home, I went up to show Izzy that I was fine and to see about getting her to school. All she could say was that I gave her PTSD and she was so mad at me for hurting myself. I was taken aback and a little annoyed at her blaming me for getting hurt. And then I realized, her seeing me, her person, hurt and bleeding from the head had to be terrifying. I know it was terrifying because when I got home from work tonight, she was still scared and my sink had lots of tiny little peach fuzz hairs in it. My accident made her so upset she pulled, and pulled hard, because she didn’t know how else to handle it. Breaks my heart. But ya know what makes me proud? She pulled herself together and made herself go to school…because she’s the bravest little girl I know.

It’s Mother’s Day. My husband told me Happy Mother’s Day first words out of his mouth today. I woke up to several texts from friends wishing me a happy day. Jackson said it after a couple hours of us being up. Izzy hasn’t said it. I don’t even think she knows today is Mother’s Day. She made me an amazing craft in her classroom at school and couldn’t wait to give it to me, so she presented me with it on Friday. I love it. I truly do. But I wanted her to say the words to me today. That sounds rotten and selfish. I know it does. But her knowing nothing of the date, having no concept of anything outside of her phone and her tiny little safety bubble really made me sad today. I often feel like I’m failing her and not meeting her needs and three little words, “happy Mother’s Day” would make me smile. And then this evening she sent me a little 5 second video she made. A video of a little goth-looking girl with a speech bubble that said “Mom…..I don’t like you…..” and then the little goth girl turns into a little girl with wide open arms and a huge smile and red hearts all over yelling “I LOVE YOU!” That was my Happy Mother’s Day wish from Izzy. And that made me smile.

The week we just finished was a busy one. Not a rough one necessarily, but a draining week. Izzy and I had her OT Eval, and they “diagnosed” her with Sensory Processing Disorder and recommended OT once a week. I knew that was coming, I expected that. And Friday I had her IEP Case Conference. An IEP conference is a hard thing to sit through as a parent. There were 6 amazing professionals and me around that table. And they all talked about my girl and what she struggles with and what she needs. It’s a barrel of mixed emotions as a mom. Here are these wonderful educators talking about my girl–first the positives, then everything my girl can’t do, then everyone’s goals for her. I kept thinking we should have done this for her earlier, but we didn’t and she has thrived despite that because she had a 504 and she had people who worked their asses off to make sure she succeeded. She thrived because she was in the safe arms of these fabulous women and men of North Elem. I sat there and listened and wondered how we will do this in three short weeks. How we will make this huge transition to middle school and to people who don’t know my girl, who don’t love her or accept her. I guess we do it by putting our fears and faith in God and going at it one day at a time… just like we did when she arrived at North Elem and Mrs. Krent swept her under her wing and lead her away. Someone will be there to take her under their wing and lead her forward to her next phase of life.

I have felt really down since Izzys autism diagnosis. She has a list of diagnoses as long as she is tall. The diagnoses along with her leaving North and Jackson entering his Senior year really gave me down. I don’t worry about Jackson. He’ll no doubt have an amazing senior year. But I do worry about Izzy. Preteen and teen years are tough enough without all this that she has to deal with in addition to the hormones and drama of the middle school years. But I have to remind myself that for every challenge she has, she has tenfold that in strength. She is the strongest kid I’ve ever met. God will take care of her through me as her mama bear and through the village she leaves behind and the one she’s about to meet.

This Mother’s Day, I thank God for my babies. I wouldn’t give either of them up for the world. I am a better person because of them…whether they say the words “Happy Mother’s Day” or not.