Izzy froze tonight during dance. I had stepped out to talk with Todd and I stepped back into the studio to find Izzy completely frozen in place in a silent panic attack. As I approached her, in the one place where she always overcomes anxiety and where bad days melt away, all I saw in her eyes was fear. She couldn’t talk to me. She could barely move, Bearbear was on the floor and Izzy could only stare at me in silent panic. I think it was a reaction to a change in her class, a new face who was significantly younger than her and who didn’t know the dance and who was looking to Izzy for guidance on the steps to take. And Izzy just couldn’t do that in the moment. I asked if it was her baldness in front of someone new, she shook her head. I wondered if someone said something upsetting, she shook her head. As I lead her off the dance floor, panic still in her eyes, I kept reminding her she was safe, she was loved, I was there and I would let nothing happen to her. Some days we put unknown pressures on our babies and some days it just doesn’t work for them. As I tried to softly encourage her to return to dance class, and then Mrs. Erin tried to kindly ask her to return, it was apparent in that moment that no, she could not do it for me or Erin or even herself. She couldn’t make herself do the one thing that always fixed moments like these. She couldn’t dance. I couldn’t make her do it, I couldn’t bribe her into doing it, She had to find the strength inside herself to get back out there and be ok with dancing tonight. And if she couldn’t find that strength, Mrs. Erin and I would have to be ok with that.

She did eventually step back out on the dance floor. She watched as Mrs. Erin taught some more of the dance and then she quietly started moving her feet. She brought herself through it, but it took everything she had to do it.

She finished class, with tap and was pretty much back to herself by the end. But the minute her butt hit the car seat, she pulled hair like a maniac for the next 25 minutes. Her anxiety was so high she pulled harder and faster in order to try and feel better. I wish I understood, instead I prayed.