Everyone always looks forward to vacation and when it arrives it passes by so quickly. The first half of our trip is over and we’re on the Amtrak train to NYC. I can feel the prayers from our family and friends surrounding us and lifting Izzy up. Her routine is non-existent and she’s not put much food and water into her tummy…she’s been sassy and mean one minute but recovers to be kind and excited the next. She and Aunt Tina got through two mornings just the two of them and they’re still talking to each other. She has conquered the subways, trolleys and now the train. She petted stingrays and sand sharks, tried on every sparkly makeup in Sephora, tried cannolis and vegan cookies and followed the Freedom Trail. She saw history she recently studied and a 533lb sea turtle who is 90+ yrs old.

She decided not to go see Harvard or MIT this trip because she’ll go when it’s her turn to search for the perfect university. Or who knows, maybe she’ll visit Bubba here in Boston when he’s in university.

I’m immeasurably proud of her for her Boston experience. Yes, I’d love for less sass and less phone and more viewing the city and scenery, but she saw the things that were important to her…the Boston massacre, where they read the Declaration of Independence for the first time, the Boston Tea Party and Paul Reveres house and gravesite (also where the 5 victims of the Boston Massacre and Sam Adams are buried). She has memories to share with her teachers and class. I really couldn’t ask for more from her.

And now we are rolling towards the Big Apple. I can’t wait to see their faces. Keep praying…..

The kids and I and Aunt Tina leave tomorrow for the East Coast. Jackson has been invited to go see Harvard (that’s what Izzy tells people anyway….truth is I just went online and signed him up! 😂). So we’re headed to Boston to visit Harvard, MIT and to see the Boston College campus. We’re excited to visit all of the Revolutionary War sites, Izzy studied all that this Fall in 5th grade, and Jackson can’t wait for some fresh seafood. We’re then taking the train down to NYC for a quick 3 days introducing the kiddos to The Big Apple. I can’t wait to see their faces as they see this amazing city that I cannot describe in words to them. To see them look out in wonder from the top of the Empire State Building, and to view the beautiful Lady Liberty. And I can’t wait to breathe in their excitement in going to two true Broadway shows each!

I’ve been praying a lot for peace and calm, for laughter and wonderful memories to be made. I’m afraid that Izzy will be overstimulated and anxious, especially in the lights and noise of NYC, but I’m trying my best to give that worry over to God. I pray for no hair pulling, even though I know that will not happen. But the good news for Izzy….in her own words “I don’t think anyone in NYC will even think twice about a bald 11-yr old girl!” I bet you’re right kiddo. ❤️

Izzy froze tonight during dance. I had stepped out to talk with Todd and I stepped back into the studio to find Izzy completely frozen in place in a silent panic attack. As I approached her, in the one place where she always overcomes anxiety and where bad days melt away, all I saw in her eyes was fear. She couldn’t talk to me. She could barely move, Bearbear was on the floor and Izzy could only stare at me in silent panic. I think it was a reaction to a change in her class, a new face who was significantly younger than her and who didn’t know the dance and who was looking to Izzy for guidance on the steps to take. And Izzy just couldn’t do that in the moment. I asked if it was her baldness in front of someone new, she shook her head. I wondered if someone said something upsetting, she shook her head. As I lead her off the dance floor, panic still in her eyes, I kept reminding her she was safe, she was loved, I was there and I would let nothing happen to her. Some days we put unknown pressures on our babies and some days it just doesn’t work for them. As I tried to softly encourage her to return to dance class, and then Mrs. Erin tried to kindly ask her to return, it was apparent in that moment that no, she could not do it for me or Erin or even herself. She couldn’t make herself do the one thing that always fixed moments like these. She couldn’t dance. I couldn’t make her do it, I couldn’t bribe her into doing it, She had to find the strength inside herself to get back out there and be ok with dancing tonight. And if she couldn’t find that strength, Mrs. Erin and I would have to be ok with that.

She did eventually step back out on the dance floor. She watched as Mrs. Erin taught some more of the dance and then she quietly started moving her feet. She brought herself through it, but it took everything she had to do it.

She finished class, with tap and was pretty much back to herself by the end. But the minute her butt hit the car seat, she pulled hair like a maniac for the next 25 minutes. Her anxiety was so high she pulled harder and faster in order to try and feel better. I wish I understood, instead I prayed.

Izzy started new medication last week to help her with her ADHD. It’s a medication that parents on my Parent Trich FB page have mentioned has made their children’s urges to pull worse, but I knew that didn’t necessarily mean Izzy would have the same experience. Day one ended in a email from Mrs. Clarey saying she had an awesome day. The weekend was smooth and easy. She went to the llama workshop and stayed there by herself without thinking twice about it. All great things. And she’s been pulling more. Damn.

After a particularly rough pulling “event” yesterday at school, Izzy and I chatted about the new medicine. She said that she fees more focused and attentive at school, but she thinks she is definitely pulling more. Her teacher agrees with that self-assessment. And then I asked her what’s more important to her…to be focused or to not pull. And her answer…”I want it all Mama. Why can’t I have both?” Yes, thats my million dollar question too sweet girl, why can’t you have it all…

I’ve gone to the same church my entire life…except for my Purdue and Miami years where I had to find something as close as possible. Pastor Doug came to our church when I was 15, and has been a part of nearly every important event in my life. He and Pastor Al lead a monthly Healing Service and tonight Izzy agreed to go. Izzy doesn’t like church. It’s too quiet. Too organized. Too boring. Too “abstract” for her. She’s so black and white; so literal that it’s hard for her to believe in God right now in this stage of her life. She can’t see Him, so how can she believe He’s real? It makes me sad and anxious…but I believe He will reveal Himself to her in time. I believe she will find Him in her and His own time.

So her going tonight to the healing service of her own accord was big. She laid in the pew and played her phone, but as she has shown us time and again, when it seems Izzy isn’t listening, she piped up to correct Pastor Doug during his sermon!

As a part of the healing service, people are encouraged to go to the communion rail for an anointing of oil and laying of hands in prayer for whatever healing they need. Izzy did this as well and although she was anxious for those she did not know, those not in her circle, to lay their hands on or near her, she did it. Pastor Doug presented her with a prayer shawl and matching hat made by one of the church ladies. Such a wonderful outreach by our church. Such a Blessed service. God was there, whether Izzy believes it or not He was there, laying hands on her. He was there laying hands on me along with those 10 Bethel members and my beautiful Mama who lifted us up in prayer for strength, peace, health, love. He was there in the people who talked with and shared love with Izzy after the service. He was there in Pastors Doug and Al. He is walking this path with Izzy…with me; and there are days, many many days when He is carrying us down the path. And even though it’s a path I don’t particularly want to be on, I will trust my God and follow where He leads. If you are looking for a new church home, join my family at Bethel…God is there waiting for you

Have you ever had someone enter your life and make such a difference that you just want to hug them and never let go? But you know you can’t, because you might just end up with a restraining order? Lol!! I’ve never really had that kind of passionate gratitude before Izzy. But when she was in 2nd and 3rd grades I had it for her teacher. Mrs. Sellers was exactly what Izzy and I needed in that period of life. She was loving and supportive and she saw Izzys needs and went above and beyond to meet those needs. I still feel such a debt of gratitude to her, when I see her I just want to hug her.

I had a brief encounter with passionate gratitude once at the drug store when the pharmacist filled Izzys first ADHD prescription post our family changing to Todd’s insurance. It cost only $10 instead of the $175 we’d become accustomed to. I literally hugged the poor man! I don’t go to that pharmacy anymore 😉

Currently I feel it for Counselor Brad with the amazing beard. God led us to him, I know it. I’ve never seen Izzy accept someone into her inner circle as quickly as she let him in. And he interacts and supports Izzy like no professional to date. He allows her to be herself, he listens to her stories, let’s her be silly, let’s her be cranky and he works within that sphere. He sees her at her rawest, he meets her there and works within her limits to help her. Some days I want to reach out to him to let him know how much he is appreciated, but I don’t want him to write “crazy mom” on her file! So I just sit here quietly as they work and revel in the beauty of what God placed in our lives through Counselor Brad with the amazing beard.